Which mother is worse than a forty or a cuckoo. Why do mothers become cuckoos? I want to get out here

What is common in the behavior of mother and bird? The cuckoo lays her eggs with unhatched chicks in other people's nests. The cuckoo mother also shifts the care of her own child to someone else - to a grandmother or a nanny.

What is important to remember?

So that the child does not become an obstacle in your life path, does not cause irritation and annoyance, give birth to him at the right time for you. Organize your life so that you are not distracted by doubts “to give birth or not”, exams, career, professional tasks.

Tune in for childbirth, for the appearance of a new person in your life that you need to take care of, spending almost all your time. Avoid any stress, do not get involved in quarrels and conflicts at work, with friends and relatives.

Accept the child as a gift of fate: with such an appearance and such a gender. Put aside all your affairs for a while, devote your life with joy and pleasure to caring for a child in the first years of his life. Remember that in the first days, months, years of life, emotions, the ability to communicate, to human contacts, especially with mother, develop most actively.

Mom Investigator

Mom-investigator is very energetic, emotional, curious. She is a powerful and knowledgeable woman.

Exaggerated demands, inability to assess the abilities of your child, give him the right to make a mistake can lead to the fact that the baby first tries to say not everything, hide or lie, just to avoid reproaches and punishments. And then whims, stubbornness, neurotic behavior of the child may appear.

Photo source: pixabay.com

What is important to remember?

You can’t accumulate dissatisfaction with the behavior of your child in order to choose the time to throw out all the “materials of the investigation” on your son or daughter like an avalanche.

Don't get into a power struggle with your child. If suddenly there comes a moment when he does not want to fulfill your requirements - “I don’t want to! I won’t, and that’s it!”, - find out the reasons for this behavior. Maybe the child is not satisfied with the demand itself, but with your authoritarian, tough tone.

There are few rules and prohibitions, but they must be constant and logical.

And the most important advice. If you feel that you are wrong, that your educational tactics resemble the position of an investigator, have the courage to admit it! Often a mother, afraid of losing authority in the eyes of her child, avoids admitting that she is wrong. However, you can not analyze and not admit your mistakes in education, but what will you achieve in this case and what awaits you?

Mom - Baba Yaga

This mother is trying to get the obedience of the child, intimidating him with demands, seeking obedience with anger and irritation. If a small person acts in his own way, then most often punishment follows, including physical punishment.

Baba Yaga speaks rudely and categorically with children, only she knows what and how to do - therefore she points, commands, urges, belittles their sense of dignity, does not allow children to be independent. She is easily irritated and loses her temper. Can scream and swear.

Mom becomes desperate for the slightest reason, which, in her opinion, threatens the child with danger, and “infects” the baby with her state of intense anxiety and fear. He shifts the burden of his tension onto the shoulders of a still fragile person - a son or daughter.

What is important to remember?

Of course, it is necessary to teach children the mind-reason. And to explain, and to lead too. But everything is good in moderation. There is no need for constant pressure on the child, control, intimidation, because sooner or later an unnecessary confrontation with his strong-willed beginning, with the emerging "I" will begin.

Create a cheerful atmosphere in the family, laugh more often, joke, play with your child. Do not subject the little person to overwhelming experiences, let him grow up happy.

Mom-Princess

There are three types - strict Nesmeyana, cold Snow Queen, dreamy Sleeping Beauty. All of them are similar to each other.

• Mom - Princess Nesmeyana

Princess Nesmeyana is raising her child too "correctly" because she is most afraid of spoiling him. She is demanding and principled, ambitious and obligatory, restrained in expressing feelings and emotions, kindness and responsiveness, always worried and preoccupied with something. Nesmeyana loves to be ironic, to look for flaws, to teach, to shame, to read morality, to give instructions. This strict and prim mother does not laugh herself, and considers the noise, fun and running around of children as an empty pastime and pampering.

• Mom - Snow Queen

This mother is not only strict and adamant, but also arrogant and conceited. She commands from her throne, and the child is enveloped in icy cold. There is an icy desert between a prudent and selfish, tough and indifferent mother and her baby. She does not care about experiences and mistakes, doubts and anxieties of a small person.

Photo source: We ourselves do not know how to live. Why do grown children live at the expense of their parents?

• Mom - Sleeping Beauty

Mom Sleeping Beauty is in the world of sleep and sweet dreams. She is not in a hurry and does not worry about anything. This mom is relaxed and narcissistic, frustrated and waiting for change. Does the Beautiful Mother have to deal with everyday life, the needs of the child, his diapers or lessons? No, a child is too much of a burden, there are grandmothers for that.

What is important to remember?

A feature of the parental relationship is the projection of the mother's personal problems onto the child, that is, the adult accuses the little one of what is inherent in himself, but is not realized for a number of reasons.

Mom does not notice this shortcoming in herself, but she sees it perfectly in the baby and unconditionally demands something in which she herself is not an example. Mom consciously says one thing, but does something completely different, trying to correct the behavior, character and even personality of the child, without trying to change herself.

Olga Shelopukho

What type of mom are you?

During World War II, the Nazis conducted such an experiment on children. First, they selected perfectly healthy physically and mentally men and women. At the same time, they made sure that they did not have hereditary diseases.

Twenty children born to these parents were taken away from their mothers immediately after their birth and began to be brought up in a special orphanage. The Nazis sought to create supermen of a "pure" race.

From the reports of educators who took part "in the cultivation of people of a new race", it turned out that all 20 children were severely behind in development. These children did not play, were sad and depressed, showed no interest in the world around them, sucked their fingers, learned to speak late, and did not acquire neatness skills until after the age of five. Some children were rated as "idiots".

What happened? Why didn't children who were born genetically healthy, ate well and lived in excellent conditions become cheerful, mischievous little ones? What are the reasons for the lag in their mental development?

The answer turned out to be simple. Without maternal warmth, without human communication, a full-fledged personality cannot be formed. Sleep, food and care are not all that a child needs in order to become a person. The kid needs to feel sincere care and participation, hear the sounds of a voice addressed to him, see the smile of an adult, look into his eyes, talk to him, sing to him, stroke him.

The same picture - developmental delay in children - arose in orphanages in the United States and European countries. The kid stopped smiling, often cried, lost his appetite, his eyes were fixed on one point, his movements became slower, his life gradually died out. What's the matter? They began to feed better - it did not help. Thought it was an infection. Children were isolated from each other. But what happened next? The number of diseases has increased dramatically. Only after that it was noticed that the symptoms of the disease resemble melancholy and sadness, the suffering experienced by a person who has lost a loved one. This disease is called hospitalism.

A very small child is not a biological toy, but a person suffering without communication, without affection and care from his mother.

One of the nannies of the orphanage learned how to treat the disease. She quickly cured the most hopeless babies. She did it very simply - she tied the child to herself and did not part with him for a minute. Works or sleeps - the baby is always there. The sick child gradually came to life like a withered bud...

It turned out that the most dangerous and vulnerable age for the disease is 6-12 months. Communication with the mother during this period brings the child a lot of positive, joyful experiences. During this period, in no case should the child be deprived of communication with the mother. And if the mother is very busy, she should be replaced by a close person who will constantly communicate with the child. Deprived of warm human communication, the baby falls into melancholy, and his personality is injured. And not just personality. His mental development slows down.

Worst of all, a child with a severe form of hospitalism cannot be completely cured. The wound that the person receives heals, but the scar remains for life.

In America, 38 adults were observed who suffered from hospitalism in childhood. Only seven of them were able to adapt well to life, to become ordinary, normal people. The rest had various mental defects.

The bond between mother and child is the strongest human bond. The more complex the living organism, the longer it depends on the mother. The baby cannot develop without such a connection with the mother; interrupting it too early can become a threat to the life of the child. To live, it is not enough for a human child to simply eat, drink, sleep, be warm, he needs a connection with his mother.

What is common in the behavior of mother and bird? The cuckoo lays her eggs with unhatched chicks in other people's nests. The cuckoo mother also shifts the care of her own child to someone else - to a grandmother or a nanny.

There may be several reasons for this behavior:

• the need to work hard so as not to lose the usual income;
• the need to study in order to get an education;
• unplanned appearance of the baby;
• career and ambitious professional plans for the future;
• the birth of a child is a concession to the husband's desire to have children;
• a child is only a means of keeping a partner in marriage or a way to force a man to marry;
• the opinion that any woman can perfectly replace a mother;
• unwillingness to engage in diapers and sliders;
• selfishness;
• the view that a child needs only food and care to grow;
• ignorance of the elementary laws of child development.

You may object: there is nothing special about the fact that the mother is busy, and someone else has taken care of the baby. Perhaps it is unfair to consider a woman working after childbirth as a cuckoo who abandons her chick? Of course, every family, without prompting, decides how to raise a child, who will take care of raising a newborn. But if the question of who will earn and who will raise the child is resolved before the baby is born, the whole family will win.

After all, it will be better for both the baby and his mother if they are nearby, if the mother takes a break in her affairs and fills it only with care for the baby that has been born.

Mom, who is not in a hurry, leans over the calmly sleeping baby, and the baby, who feels his mother's breath and a gentle smile. Picture perfect, right?

Another question arises: is there any reason to worry about the full mental development of a newly born baby or a 2-4-month-old baby? After all, the child still does not understand anything, only after 7-8 months he will begin to understand and pronounce the first words. Maybe at first the mother will take care of her own affairs, and then raising a growing child?

For a long time, both parents and caregivers believed that the newborn "does not understand anything", until scientists paid attention to such a phenomenon as hospitalism.

Scientists came to the conclusion that education should be dealt with from the first days of a child's life. A smile, affectionate words, touching the baby's body - this creates an elusive and such an important form of education, which is called direct emotional communication with the child.

It turned out that for full-fledged mental development from the first days of life, the child needs communication, communication brings the baby a feeling of emotional well-being, warmth and comfort in the new world.

What to do in advance:

1. So that the child does not become an obstacle in your life path, does not cause irritation and annoyance, give birth to him at the right time for you. Organize your life so that you are not distracted by doubts “to give birth or not”, exams, career, professional tasks.
2. Tune in for childbirth, for the appearance of a new person in your life that you need to take care of, spending almost all your time. Avoid any stress, do not get involved in quarrels and conflicts at work, with friends and relatives.
3. Accept the child as a gift of fate: with such an appearance and such a gender. Put aside all your affairs for a while, devote your life with joy and pleasure to caring for a child in the first years of his life. Remember that in the first days, months, years of life, emotions, the ability to communicate, to human contacts, especially with mother, develop most actively.
4. Do not rush to give the baby to the nursery, remember how much mother's warmth and love are needed for him. Do not transfer the child to the care of anyone, do not leave him alone.
5. When a child takes up most of your time, do not forget about your husband, remember that it is not easy for him either. Involve dad in the process of caring for the baby as early as possible, with joy, without jealousy, observe the communication of the father with the child.
6. Analyze your relationship with your parents as a child. If you think they made mistakes, don't automatically transfer them to your relationship with your child.
7. You should review your educational tactics from time to time in order to notice errors in it and, if necessary, correct them.
8. When raising a child, take into account the peculiarities of his temperament, character, personality. Do not try to artificially accelerate the development of the child, do not rush in such an important matter, everything has its own time.
9. Communicate as often as possible, play with the child and his friends, sympathize with the experiences of the baby and at the same time try to do without excessive guardianship and anxiety.
10. Learn to notice changes in your child's behavior:

• Bad mood;
• tearfulness;
• psychological discomfort and nervousness;
• the appearance of anxiety and fears;
• excessive touchiness;
• capriciousness;
• fatigue;
• sleep or appetite disturbance.

Understand the reasons for changing the child's behavior together with your spouse, but without shouting, insults and reproaches.

Often modern business women live according to the principle "Did the job - walk boldly." After the birth of the baby, the mother actively plunges into her life, goes to "parties", lives for her own pleasure. The kid at this time is “thrown” to be raised by grandparents and nannies. Why do new moms do this? Let's try to figure it out.

Life in modern society - a society of contrasts, haste and complete activation - often pushes women to rash acts. It's no secret that the traditional concept of "family", which was the foundation of human existence, has long been replaced by prestige, freedom and financial well-being. Modern women are learning to do without men, not only in everyday matters, but also in family matters. But we all want to have our own "blood" - a little man who will be part of us in this lonely world. Therefore, modern mothers famously go to the birth of a child on their own. However, for a woman who has been accustomed to take care of herself alone for a long period of time and has learned to survive - the baby often becomes, sadly to say, small, but a "burden". The manic desire for success, popularity and social life leaves no choice for a woman ... Unfortunately ...

Many live by the principle: I gave birth to a child, I provide him with everything, because I earn well, and his grandmother, who loves him no less, can raise him. Or a professional nanny - and she already has enough experience. A woman should be psychologically prepared for the birth of a child and be aware that the baby is not an element of the wardrobe at all. It is possible that the mother spends the first months of her life with her child: she takes care of the baby, breastfeeds, and spends sleepless nights near the crib. And then mothers simply leave their children... This problem concerns all segments of the population, mothers with different incomes. Often, cuckoo mothers leave their children in the care of grandparents and even dads in order to find a better life. Often women go abroad to work, find new husbands and give birth to new children. But what about the kids who are left alone? Is it motherly?

Often, single mothers who raise a child on their own and finances find new love. None of us are alien to human feelings, but is it possible to exchange the love of a child for the love of a man?

We conducted a small survey among future modern mothers, how do they treat such women and are they ready to sacrifice a child for a man?

“I have one answer - I would never leave a child and never leave, because for children their mom / dad are the only people they trust and whose presence next to them is as natural as air and water. Because if you leave a child, then for him it will ALWAYS have psychological consequences in the future,” Anna (26 years old) told us.

“I would never leave my child, especially for the sake of a man. I'm sure a mother who abandons her children is a pathetic excuse for a woman. For me, love for a man will never surpass maternal feelings, ”says Natalia (25 years old).

We also asked for a professional opinion psychologist and art therapist Anna Rymarenko, who told us the following:

“From a biological point of view, the maternal instinct turns on gradually, even during pregnancy (and often even before it, prompting a woman to want a child). Instinct is programmed by nature the desire to take care of the baby, getting pleasure from it. THAT is this behavior not imposed by society: “I am a mother, I must!” - namely desire and pleasure. This instinct is associated with the physiological restructuring of hormonal, and as a result, nervous processes during pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. It encourages the mother not to part with the newborn for a long time, helps to enjoy interaction with the baby, and causes great anxiety when separated from him. If we do not consider a forced situation - when, for example, there is simply no one to feed the family except for a working mother, then the main reason for the "cuckoo" behavior is precisely the "failure to turn on" the maternal instinct.

What can interfere with the tuning of this delicate mechanism?

1. Unwanted pregnancy, conflicts with the future father, uncertainty about the future - everything that prevents a woman from immersing herself in the expectation of a child, relaxing, trusting what is happening.

2. The habit of controlling everything, "everything on her own" - is often observed in business women who cannot or do not want to change their lifestyle due to pregnancy. As a result, there is no smooth adaptation to the new role, and childbirth becomes very stressful.

3. Complicated childbirth with a large number of medical interventions - can disrupt the natural hormonal processes of “turning on” maternal behavior (for example, after a cesarean section, the baby is not immediately applied to the breast, which can slow down the production of prolactin, the hormone of maternal care).

4. Mom's own childhood experience - for example, she herself was a child of a cuckoo mom or grew up in a dysfunctional (or seemingly prosperous, but mentally cold family). In such a situation, a scenario may form: "A child is a burden, an obligation from which you need to distract yourself as soon as possible." And in this scenario there is no place for the joy of giving birth and raising a child, admiring the baby and yourself as a mother. A very common reason in our culture!

5. Personal immaturity of the mother - due to age, upbringing or social conditions of life, a sense of responsibility for one's own life and the life of the child, his well-being, unwillingness to sacrifice situational comfort for the sake of the child's mental health may not be formed. Often these are rather infantile women, whom the environment supports in this role and does not allow them to "grow" internally. For example, a husband likes to see a pretty doll-wife next to him (and not a mature and wise mother of his children); grandmothers are afraid of their own old age and inspire a young mother: “You walk while you are young, I will look after the child, it’s so difficult, you can’t do it!” - thereby maintaining their sense of need and importance.

In any case, certain fears are most often behind such behavior - falling out of life, becoming uninteresting to men, losing their usual wealth, etc. If you recognize yourself in the description of "mother cuckoo" - do not blame yourself. If you made such a decision, it means that you had reasons that deserve respect. But perhaps you should still reconsider your life so as not to lose the main thing - love and contact with the child. Believe me, for him, an early separation from his mother is a trauma incomparable to anything. And in order to restore contact with the baby and your own maternal feeling, do not hesitate to contact a specialist, do not be afraid of condemnation.

“We shower children with gifts, but the most valuable gift for them - the joy of communication, friendship - we give reluctantly and waste ourselves on those who are completely indifferent to us. However, in the end, we get what we deserve. The time comes when we need more than anything else the company of children, their attention, and we get those pitiful crumbs that previously fell to their lot, ”said the famous writer Mark Twain.

Love your children and never leave!

A few years ago, the abandonment of a child was perceived as an event out of the ordinary. A woman who left her child became the subject of reproaches, gossip and sidelong glances. Today, this phenomenon has become commonplace. And cases when mothers throw newborns to medical institutions and orphanages can hardly shock anyone.

So, on October 7 of this year, a 7-month-old boy David was found in Yalta, left by his mother-cuckoo on one of the remote alleys of Massandra Park. As the woman herself later admitted, she deliberately left the child in a place where there are usually few people.

So who and why refuses children: are they only women leading an asocial lifestyle or the poor? Is there any special work to prevent failures? Yalta psychologist Lyudmila Zharinova answered these and other questions to the correspondent of Yuzhnaya Gazeta.

Why do mothers abandon their newborn babies? What do you think is the main reason for failures?

In modern society, it is generally accepted that only asocial women who are already completely lost to society refuse children. Another popular belief is that refusal is always associated with a poor financial situation. In reality, this is not entirely true.

The overwhelming majority of mothers-refuseniks can be attributed to low-income families. And usually we are talking not only about low income, but also about the lack of housing. The social portrait of such an objector is: a woman without education, a permanent job, lonely, without a permanent source of income or dependent on someone.

By an antisocial lifestyle, we mean drug and alcohol addiction, vagrancy, lack of care for your previous children, etc.

Also, one of the most common reasons for rejection is a violation of relationships with loved ones. A woman's child is not accepted by her parents or the man she is dating, and she is afraid of breaking the relationship or being left without support.

There are situations associated with the fact that the child is unwanted. This group includes women who are not ready to change their life plans because of a child. Of course, this is due to the lack of some responsibility for their actions. Typical situations: a student is not ready to drop out of school or take academic leave due to the appearance of a child; a woman does not want to lose her job and give up her career; a woman is expecting a child not from her husband or from a man who has another family; a woman, together with her family, is not ready to give up material stability and an established way of life.

Can a mother's refusal leave a mark on a child's life and in the future inspire him to a similar act in relation to his children?

If a child was not loved in childhood, then it is unlikely that he will be able to give this love to another. Often there are cases when in the past abandoned girls follow in the footsteps of their mothers. They lack the maternal instinct inherent in a healthy woman. That is, they also do not have the responsibility that is present in normal mothers. However, a cuckoo mother can be from a full-fledged family, but at the same time not receive proper love and care. The child assimilates the environment in which he grew up, and it is this environment that gives him the orientation for his future life and actions. And this psychological trauma may move her to such a step in the future. But this can be avoided. If you help the child in time, if you explain and show true life values ​​with examples, then perhaps everything can be corrected. But everything is very individual and directly depends on the psychological constitution of a person.

Is there any kind of rejection prevention, psychological impact on mothers who want to leave their children?

In perinatal centers, they should identify the mental characteristics of each woman in labor and, based on this, think about how to work with her. When communicating with psychologists, the psychological portrait of a woman is revealed and it becomes clear whether she is ready to leave her newborn child or whether she will raise him in any situation. The specialist meets with the woman, establishes contact, finds out the situation and the reasons for the refusal, finds out whether the woman is ready for further interaction. He does not convince to change the decision, but helps to induce the maternal instinct. Based on the results of the meeting, a decision is made: whether to work on keeping the child in the birth family or another trajectory would be better for the child - adoption by foster parents. If work begins, then the specialist, together with the woman, develops a plan of joint action: what to do to overcome the problems that caused the refusal. To rule out a mother's desire to leave her child, you need to talk about it, talk about it so that people hear. Mass media, educational structures, prevention centers can help with this.

If, after preventive maintenance, a woman nevertheless decides to take the child, is it possible that over time she will again feel that she does not need this child?

In this situation, again, we can only talk about the maturity and responsibility of a woman. She can listen to the doctor and, under the impression of his words, take the child home. But this does not mean that maternal love and affection will wake up in her, this does not mean that she will love her baby. The responsibility for his upbringing will lie with his grandparents, but not with her. In order for a woman to love and take care of her child with her along with his birth, and maybe before, love for him must be born. A woman herself must come to the conclusion that she is a mother, that she is responsible for the life of a small creature that needs her more than anyone else. In other cases, in my opinion, all preventive work, persuasion and persuasion will not lead to the expected result.

Is rejection always a negative factor in the future fate of a child?

Of course, the child needs to grow up in a full-fledged family, with his own parents. This is his healthy need and right. However, if this is an asocial family, a mentally unhealthy family, then I can say with confidence that in this case it will be better for the child if he is left in an orphanage. Naturally, not a single orphanage, not a single baby home and orphanage can give a little person the love and care that each of us deserves, so the most optimal and ideal option in this context is a foster family. After all, there are so many families who dream of children, but cannot have them.

What is the reason that some cuckoo mothers, after some time, want to return their abandoned child?

If a mother eventually decides to return her child, then she must be prepared for a difficult journey. She must prove her maternal feelings, her maturity, her wisdom. She must show the guardianship authorities that she is really ripe for raising a child and that nothing else will affect her decision. First of all, the desire to return the abandoned baby is due to the fact that the woman has grown up, she has matured and those maternal feelings that should have been born with the child have woken up in her. Such a late development is associated with the intellectual backwardness of a woman, with her irresponsibility. Another factor may be material stability, which was not there at the time of the birth of the baby, or perhaps the realization that the child needs only her love and affection from her mother.

The story of the 7-month-old boy David, abandoned in Massandra Park, left no one indifferent. A huge number of complete strangers from all over the region took part in the search for the unfortunate mother of the baby, assisted the child after he was brought to one of the Yalta medical institutions, brought things, toys, food. There were even posts on social networks wishing to adopt a child. And I am sure that very soon the baby will find a real family, a loving mother who will warm him with her warmth and surround him with the care that all children need so much.

Currently, little David is under the supervision of the guardianship authorities and, most likely, will soon be transferred to a foster family. With regard to his biological mother, according to law enforcement agencies, it is planned to initiate a case to deprive her of parental rights.

Unfortunately, stories of cruel and even criminal treatment of children are increasingly happening in our society. And it is hardly worth blaming only those who found themselves in the center of another resonant situation. Agree, society should be able not only to condemn and blame, but also to bear responsibility. The lump of problems associated with failed motherhood is so huge that we can only budge it together. The main thing is not to be indifferent, because there are no other people's children.

The cuckoo is a bird that tosses its eggs into the nests of other birds. This is often referred to colloquially as women who left their children in the care of relatives, friends, or simply abandoned. Most believe that only people from socially disadvantaged, marginalized strata do this, who themselves did not grow up in normal conditions, and therefore do not see value in their own children. But meanwhile, even among quite prosperous families, far from the marginalized, there are some cuckoos. Although outwardly all decorum seems to be observed.

Zhanna is a graduate of the pop-jazz faculty. I always wanted to sing, already in my second year I had my own group, tours, trips, nightclubs. I fell in love. In the fourth year, the guitarist of the group became the object of her passion. According to Jeanne, he did not have such a strong love for her. However, Zhanna wanted everything to be the way she saw it for herself - a wedding, a long life, joint creativity. It worked out with the wedding. And then - what seemed natural: a child. The father did not show himself as a father - he often left at night, explaining this work (in part, maybe it was), Jeanne rushed after him, left the child to her mother. In the sixth year of little Nadia's life, their marriage cracked. "Well, of course! - said Jeanne's mother, - why should he be a good husband? No normal home, and what is one daughter? You would have given birth to a boy ... ”And Zhanna gave birth. Her husband, Ivan, at first began to show more interest in children. But the problems of the spouses have not disappeared. On the contrary, they all got worse, as did the gulf between them. Both could not stand it - each began to change, in fact, other families appeared. However, none of the new families needed small children. Their parents were replaced by grandparents. And Jeanne comes on weekends, and even then - when she does not sing.

Most of those who encounter such behavior of a woman, as a rule, condemn her. But each phenomenon has its own reasons - is it only the heartlessness and spinelessness of the mother of children? Let's try to analyze.

There are two motifs in history that are characteristic of such stories. The first "alarm signal" is marriage initiated by a woman.

She is focused on conquering a man, she seeks to tie him to her by all means. And all her behavior is imbued with one desire - to prove to him that he needs her. As a result, children turn from an object desired by their mother into a means. Interestingly, in families where parents divorce early and the child stays with the mother, such scenarios almost never occur.

The cuckoo scenario turns on when the husband remains nearby, but remains the same, not attached to the family in soul and body. He is, as it were, a permanent peak that must be conquered, a constantly closed door to which keys must be picked up.

In this way, he keeps the focus of attention on his person - otherwise, why would he allow himself to be "ringed"? Often, not mature enough internally, men of this type prefer to be chosen. After all, on the one hand, they can then shift the lion's share of responsibility to a woman (it was her initiative!), On the other hand, they can, with the help of their insufficient openness and internal “inaccessibility”, satisfy the narcissistic desire to constantly be the center of attention of another person. Drawing on themselves a lot of woman's strength, they thereby prepare the ground for her careless attitude towards children.

A woman, sufficiently confident that her husband chose her consciously, after the birth of a child, is immersed in maternal experiences that lay the foundation for her future attachment to the child. And even if the lack of attention regarding the spouse causes conflicts in the family, in general, they can be overcome.

Here the situation is different: the "eternally inaccessible" husband actually does not allow the mother to concentrate on the child, constantly provoking her to jealousy, feelings, that is, pulling the woman's emotions in every possible way. She, in turn, feels that her husband is her weak link, that he is still not convinced of her need, meanwhile, the child can be postponed "for later" - after all, the mother can not doubt her need for the child!

Meanwhile, the connection between them becomes more and more conditional. Especially when the grandmother takes the place of the mother - and this is the second important factor in the cuckoo scenario.

Elena, 35 years old, has an 11-year-old daughter. The daughter lives with her grandparents, Elena's younger sister and her family still live in the same apartment. I recall the story of Elena: “Mom always knew what was best, what and how to do. When we got married with my first husband, and a daughter was born, the mother constantly interfered with her advice, criticized, and when I refused to behave in the way that seemed right to her, she made scenes. This was especially true for raising a daughter. Mother constantly thought that I “do not understand”, “I can’t”, “I can’t cope”. And in the end, I just got tired of fighting with her. I may be weak-willed, but it's easier for me to listen to reproaches once a week when I come to see my daughter than every day. In addition, there is 1 more child in the house - she has someone to play with, and I earn without interference for her maintenance. Elena divorced her first husband and after some time got married. She lives with her second husband, she does not plan to take her daughter from her parents' house yet.

A strong, domineering mother, even if she does not reproach, but simply constantly worries about her daughter and constantly strives to turn her shoulder, is also a risk factor. It's a whole skill to help your child become an adult, and in order for this to happen, you need to be able to let him go to make his mistakes, be responsible and cope with failures. Those mothers who do not understand this well, as a rule, develop in their daughters the feeling that there is always someone behind their back, there is always someone to shift responsibility to. That's why you can't grow up.

In order for the maternal instinct to turn on in a daughter, it must be freed from the pressure of the mother's instinct.

Often I had to observe situations when women, in the presence of such oppressive mothers, although they did not abandon their children, they could not establish relations with them, that is, they did not have authority in the eyes of children, they could not explain anything to children, they often did not receive respect from children .

The child feels that his own mother is perceived by someone stronger at about the same level as him, the child. And because the mother-child relationship is not built. Leaving the situation, the woman subconsciously seeks to solve two problems: she turns off the attention of the mother from herself, switching it to her child, and gets rid of the mission for which she was not initially ready due to her too close connection with her mother. Thus, she, as it were, gives herself a second chance to grow up, although this, alas, comes at the expense of the child's warped childhood.

And therefore, before making a decision about children, it is not superfluous to think again - who will this child be, is he an end or a means, and how mature and independent are we, his parents?