About family. prot

Hello Father Daniel! At present, everyone is worried about themselves and their loved ones, everyone is shocked. People are sitting at home, plans are broken, many live under constant fear of contracting the virus, and someone is deprived of material means of subsistence, it will be necessary to resolve issues, find additional reserves. Now, ...

Asked by: Faith

Hello Father Daniel! All these days we were preached not to leave churches, go to services and not be afraid of anything. Now Patriarch Kirill has called for the opposite. How to be?

Hello dear father. I ask you to clarify the words of His Holiness the Patriarch on refraining from visiting churches. What does it cover? Does it apply to Sunday services? Yesterday, at the early service, the priests of our church did not say anything about such measures.

Asks: Ekaterina, Moscow, religion: Orthodoxy

Father, forgive me, bless! I can’t understand what is happening to me and, accordingly, overcome this state. I have been singing in the kliros for 20 years. I try to live according to my conscience, as the Lord teaches us. I am not married and it so happened that I never was. And now I met a man, but he lives in another country (far away), too ...

Asks: Olga, Rostov-on-Don, religion: Orthodoxy

Hello! I would be extraordinarily happy if you answered my question, because with such a "strange" question I cannot turn to anyone. I see no point in living. Let me explain: I don’t see the point in fuss, I don’t see the point in work, family, etc. I often pray, read the Bible, that is, I’m quite close to the Church. When...

Asks: Anna, Ufa, religion: Christian

Hello, father. What passion is hidden behind the desire to be significant to many? I prove my worth, especially to those who behave strangely, for example, they make friends when they are interested, then disappear; love with the conditions and requirements of their own; they beg for something for themselves, but they forget about their promises. How right...

Asks: Nina, Volgograd

Bless, Father! To prevent the spread of coronavirus, WHO recommends that the population isolate themselves in order to protect themselves from the disease and not infect others. The population is allowed to work remotely and the state has taken many other measures. I live in a communal apartment, I rent a room. A young girl lives in the second room. ...

Asks: Natalia, Kiev, religion: Orthodoxy

Hello Father Daniel! There was a question about Bathsheba here recently, and it seems to me that the topic is more serious and deeper. What does the Church understand by repentance - is it just a contrite state of mind, or is it also necessary to stop sin? It happens that a man takes someone else's wife away, a new marriage is created. The registry office does not care, but the Church will marry ...

Asked by: Dmitry

Hello, father. Father, I have sinned a lot. I'm pregnant by my sister's husband, what should I do now? After all, the child is not to blame. What to do?

Asks: Nadezhda, Moscow, religion: Orthodoxy

Hello Father Daniel! In our parish with the priests, people go to confession for 15-20 minutes each, sometimes even longer. I go through confession rather quickly, in 3-5 minutes (I write down briefly what I confess, on a piece of paper, so as not to miss anything). This confuses me, maybe I'm confessing wrong? Tell me how to.

Asks: Daria, religion: Orthodoxy

Hello. Bless, father. It is said that epilepsy is cured only spiritually and not with drugs. Does this apply to all diseases or just epilepsy? And how to understand that a monk or priest has the gift of healing? Thanks.

Asked by: Anastasia

Father Daniel, bless, tell me what to do. We have introduced quarantine in Ukraine. My husband forbade me and my child to go to church because I could get infected and put my family at risk. I protested at first, but the situation turned into a scandal; did not go to the temple. But what to do next, quarantine can drag on, is it a sin in secret...

Asks: Julia, religion: Orthodox Christian

People come to church with their sorrows, with grief, with joy. And I, as a priest, must say that the vast majority of all problems are connected precisely with a person’s life in the family, with relations between husband and wife, between parents and children, mothers-in-law, mothers-in-law, etc. This sphere of relations occupies a huge part in a person’s life. And if something is not in order in the family, then the whole life, perhaps, is not in order. Therefore, the theme of the family is legitimately considered one of the most important.

Now work has become a very important place in people's lives. And very often we are faced with situations where parents do not see their children for days, because they earn money, and as a result, they meet with their children once a week. There are doubts about the correctness of this way of life. Parishioners often ask the question, should there be anything more important for a person than a family?

I think it would be wrong to say that either the family or social activities should be put in the first place. In my opinion, another statement of the problem would be correct. A person really has the most serious obligations to society, to the service to which he is called. But I would not oppose family and public service, because one includes the other. Let's try to change the angle of view.

To do this, I will give an example. Before becoming a priest, I worked as a teacher and literature teacher at school, I also had a chance to deal with family issues. In my last year of teaching, the director suggested that I take an elective course in the psychology of family life in my senior year. I took it up with great interest and, I must say, with great arrogance. There was such an abundance of material, first of all, fiction, some kind of life experience, a lot of publications, good articles on this topic. That is, I thought that the psychology of family life can be turned into one of the most important and interesting subjects. But I failed completely.

Our school was strong, and at the end of the school year, we had conversations with the children about what subject they like, what they don’t like, what is interesting and what is not, what is the job of a teacher. I got a D in this subject. I realized - do not take on your own business. Then I was very sad, but now I know what the problem was - the approach itself was wrong. The family was seen as something separate: each person has a job, friends, some kind of hobby, and there is a family. We tried to talk about problems in the family and how to solve them correctly, but we didn’t think about the essence of a person at all, oh.

Now, as a priest, I understand that talking about the family is possible only in the context of talking about the meaning of human life in general.

Yes, and any moral issues, and not just the issue of the family, can only be truly resolved when we consider them in the context of a broader, more important - what is a person, what is his vocation, what is his true dignity, what elevates a person and which, on the contrary, humiliates, etc. From the height of such a formulation of the problem, the role of the family in a person's life becomes clear. After all, if it is something valuable in itself - this is one thing. But if the family is part of a person's wider ministry in this life, then everything is seen quite differently.

Family in the context of the meaning of life

Since we started with the meaning of human life, we will speak in the language of the Gospels, in the language of theology. said: Seek first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness, and all this will be added to you (Matthew 6:33).

Expresses the same idea in a slightly different way. He says that the purpose of human life is the acquisition of the grace of the Holy Spirit. In fact, the Kingdom of God is the Kingdom of the grace of the Holy Spirit, being in the grace of the Holy Spirit. The Kingdom of God is within you (Luke 17:21), says the Lord. When the grace of God abides in us, we are still in this earthly life in contact with the Kingdom of God. The Holy Fathers have the word “deification”, that is, union with God, when man is in God and God is in man, when man and God become one. This is the highest goal to which a person should strive.

The term "deification" is used here as ecclesiastical and theological, however, sometimes it can be said in a simpler, worldly way, perhaps not quite accurately, but more understandably. To save your soul means to learn to love. Everything that I said above - the Kingdom of God and the acquisition of the grace of the Holy Spirit - is the same. After all, what is union with God, deification? You and I know the words: God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God (1 John 4:7). That is, deification is a state when love becomes dominant in a person.

To the extent that a person learns to love, to the extent that he is fit for eternity. If love has not become the main content of the human heart, the main content of his soul, then there is nothing to do in eternity. Not because they won't let him in there, but because he himself will have nothing to do there. For example, if a person with impaired vision has to wear black glasses because he cannot look at the sunlight, how will he feel in bright light? Likewise, probably, for a person who is not able to love truly, it will be completely impossible and painful to be in the area of ​​that light, which is God, which is Love.

And since the main task of a person in this earthly life is to learn to love, it means that everything that is capable of teaching this love acquires value in this life. In fact, every episode of human life, every situation, every event, every meeting is, on the one hand, a lesson for a person, and, on the other hand, at the same time, an exam. Because we are testing how truly we are. I think that for a person who understands this, there is a certain danger. He may begin to think that he has already learned to love, but in fact he has not.

So the best examiner of our success in this area is family life. Because the farther a person is from us, the easier it is to show love to him. It is not difficult to make some effort and do deeds of love, to speak kind words, to be kind to that person with whom we meet from time to time. The closer one gets, the harder it gets. All the shortcomings of people especially close to us are highlighted before us. And it is much more difficult for us to endure and forgive them.

But even if we see great shortcomings in a person who is at a distance from us, we still love him. After all, it is known that it is easier to love the distant than. Therefore, it is in the family that a person and love are subjected to the greatest trials. Sometimes in no one hatred is expressed so strongly as in people connected by marital ties. You can just wonder how you can say offensive words to each other, so hate each other.

In Herzen's novel "Who is to blame?" one of the heroes says that the most ferocious animal in its hole, in its lair, is meek in relation to its cubs. Very often, the most seemingly normal, respectable and good person in his family turns into a beast, becomes worse than any animal.

The ancient Greek poet Hesiod has these lines: “There is nothing better in the world than a good wife. And nothing is worse than a bad wife. But I want to make a reservation right away, to tell all the women that Hesiod said so because he was a poet. A poetess would write that nothing is better than a good husband, and nothing is worse than a bad husband.

What I have been talking about so far is probably applicable to any family, both Orthodox and non-Orthodox. How does the Orthodox approach to the problems of family life differ from the non-Orthodox? Imagine that you had to live with such a wife or with such a husband, more terrible than which there is nothing in the world. What to do? ? Most of the time, people do this. This is very easy to do these days. If earlier this was associated with very great difficulties, even purely technical ones, now these problems have been reduced to a minimum and therefore it is enough for people to simply run away and forget that they were together, although, of course, it will not be possible to forget, but, nevertheless they no longer have any obligations towards each other.

But in the Orthodox Church it is quite different. So you got married? Married. What is your wife? I quoted Herzen and Hesiod, and now I will quote the words from the Book of Wisdom of Jesus, the son of Sirach: “I will agree better to live with a lion and a dragon than live with an evil wife” (Sir. 25, 18). If this is what happened, then what? The Lord Jesus Christ categorically forbade divorce, leaving the possibility of divorce only if adultery occurred on the part of one of the spouses. And not because this is a valid reason for a divorce, but because this divorce has actually already taken place. actually destroys the marriage. And it is quite difficult to demand from people that they preserve what is no longer there.

If a wife is grumpy or a husband, or a terrible despot, but does not change, then we must endure.

One of the big problems is that when people get married, in most cases it seems to them that they have loved each other forever, and they do not at all assume that after a while they may find something unpleasant in their “half”. And therefore, very often the bride, who seemed to her husband the most beautiful wife in the future, becomes that very bad wife, more terrible than which there is nothing in the world. How then to be?

The attitude to in Christianity is completely different than in secular society. Everyone agrees that there must be love, but not everyone understands that we ourselves do not have a source of love. It sometimes seems naively to a person that it depends on him - to love or not to love. But after all, we know that love is a certain force that acts in a person regardless of his will and desire.

An example is the case when the whole world is ready to shout to a person: whom do you love?! Some kind of nonentity, generally unworthy of the name of a person. And the mind and reason tell the lover that this is the way it is, but he cannot do anything with himself. I'm not talking about the opposite case, when there is no love in the heart, it's cold where, it would seem, everything speaks in favor of a person in all respects. Sometimes you need to talk about, that is, about some kind of attraction that should not be confused with love. But now I want to talk about love.

God is love. And if I don’t love someone, but at the same time I am connected with him by a sense of duty, and I don’t feel love, then this does not mean at all that it will not happen. The question is whether I want love to appear or not. This is the fundamental difference between the secular, worldly approach to marriage from the Orthodox. For a non-believer - if there is no love, then you need to run away, but for a believer - if not, then you need to ask.

You can give a historical example. The wives of the Decembrists went into exile with their husbands. Among them were women who passionately loved their husbands and simply saw no other way out for themselves. This is Trubetskaya, Muravyova ... But Volkonskaya found herself in a different situation. She was given in marriage as a young girl to a man who, by age, was suitable for her father. And she, as can be seen from her notes, in general, did not love him, did not love him with real love, which everyone assumes is necessary for marriage. But, nevertheless, when the question arose for her: to go or not to go, she went, as she herself writes, because there was a sense of duty, because she is his wife, they got married in the church.

She tried to love and hoped that the appearance of this love would bring. Moreover, she simply did not have time to create love. They were together for a very short time, and she could not get to know her husband properly. There was an uprising ... We all watched on the screen and read in books how she arrived, fell to her knees, kissed his shackles. His suffering brought them closer.

The example is very clear and eloquent. Of course, he probably has some kind of exclusivity, because not everyone is exiled. Perhaps, indeed, in exceptional circumstances, such a sense of duty awakens in people, which turns out to be the strongest, and it, as it were, entails the birth of love or the multiplication of love.

And in those cases when nothing extraordinary happens, when people just live and work, and at the same time a mutually unpleasant situation arises, what to do then? The Orthodox Church says that, after all, relations must be built.

You must immediately decide for yourself: no matter what happens, there are no other options and there won’t be any more, it’s already forbidden to dream, since the Lord brought you together with this person. Remember that what God has united, let no man separate. So God, of course, can separate Himself if He sees that it is necessary. He will find a way somehow something. But a person's own efforts should be aimed at learning to love another with a new love. Not the one that was for an illusory person. After all, very often a person before marriage loves not the one who is in front of him, but the one whom he created for himself in his imagination, and the one who tried to appear that other, spouse or spouse.

And this other person needs to be loved, but this love does not exist and you need to ask the Lord for it. I remember one of my friends. He got married a few years ago. He is a believer, Orthodox. The wife is also a believer. Everything was as it should be. And there was love, and before signing and getting married, they even went to take a blessing from. And so the marriage took place.

And then the nightmare began. It was just a tragic situation in the family. It was very hard. A year after the wedding, I asked him about life. He replied, “You better not ask. We don't get everything right. If I were an unbeliever, if I were non-Orthodox, then there would not even be any questions, they would disperse (he even laughed). With such ease they would have dispersed, but I understand that it is impossible.

Here is a true believer: "You can't." And what do you think? Now in the last few years they have a very good family. Everything was overcome, they managed to adapt to each other, new sources of love were opened. And now there can be no question of any divorce. Have children.

And problems, of course, arise, like everyone else from time to time again and again. But, in general, they understand that they can no longer be without each other.

Look here. After all, in fact, they were restrained only by the consciousness of Christian duty: if the Lord connected you with this person, then you are now responsible and you will not run away from him anywhere.

If only all people would have such an attitude towards marriage! If everyone treated marriage not as an experiment: if it works out - good, if it doesn't work out - let's run away! And so that when entering into marriage, remember the saying: "measure seven times, cut one." But if you cut off, that's it. And you know that no matter what happens, you will always live with this person. And the only thing you can do is make love come back to you. This is, it seems to me, the only correct way in the family.

It may be objected to me that the people I cited as an example were true believers. God sends trials. And if they were weaker in faith, then, perhaps, they would not have survived ...

Here again we need to remember that we are talking about the family in the context of the meaning of life. So, the most important requirement of a person to himself should be the striving for perfection: Be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect (Matt. 5:48). I think that each of us should strive for this.

You have to talk to many young people and ask them the question: “Is there a desire to achieve perfection?” In response, the young man or girl shrug their shoulders, they did not even think about it. In general, this is a flaw in our upbringing. In noble families, in those cultural families that were before, the striving for excellence and indifference, the fear of living life and not achieving something big, not being able to develop a truly beautiful, beautiful personality was considered the norm. Nothing, probably, scared the young man, who was brought up in the spirit of the nobility, like the threat that you can live this life in gray and there will not be something bright, genuine in it. There was a fear of living like everyone else.

There are both positive and negative points in this approach. Of course, there is a danger of pride and vanity here. On the other hand, understanding your calling is to make your life really beautiful. From a Christian standpoint, this means to glorify God with our lives... When we repeat “glory to God”, we praise God everywhere, this is verbal praise to the Lord. And when in our life all the gifts that God has given us develop to the full extent, then this is the glory of God. It is the pursuit of perfection. But for self-improvement.

Psychologists write that a person almost never, with extremely rare exceptions, is not what he really is. A person plays some role all the time: one with friends, another at work, etc. I would not even say that this is hypocrisy, because a person also plays a role in front of himself. And what a person really is often not known not only by those around him, but the person himself is not fully aware of himself. Only God knows this. And I would add here that the wife and children. Because the family includes such a complex of circumstances under which it is impossible to play for a long time, the personality shows, in the end, a true face.

If you really want to know what you are really worth, then carefully, without being irritated, listen to the words or children. They give you a true assessment, they really know what you are worth. Of course, it is very embarrassing. They say that there is no prophet in his own country and in his family. It's all like that. But only a proud person is offended by critical remarks: for everyone he is like a prophet, but not in the family. But if a person really strives for perfection, he just understands that the family will tell him what to work on, even if the family is unfair, because, of course, those who look at us are also not all right with their eyesight, seeing our shortcomings, they will not see our virtues.

And I want to see the advantages, not only the disadvantages. I think that for a person who sincerely strives for excellence, the experience that he gets in the family is simply priceless.

In order to fully reveal the theme of the meaning of human life, one must remember that humanity in the form in which it exists is fallen, and our way of life is imperfect. Fall and damage are expressed in our disunity, to which our forefathers led. Because, ideally, a person should be in unity with all people and with the whole world, and not perceive himself as something self-sufficient.

Humanity should be like, moreover, including not only people, but all nature with the plant, animal world, and even the inanimate. It turns out a wonderful antinomy: on the one hand, a person retains his unique personality, and on the other hand, he feels unity with everything that exists. And, perhaps, the tragedy of the world lies in the fact that people have ceased to perceive themselves as a single whole with each other, with all creation and with God.

There are words in the Gospel that the Son of Man came to gather the disparate children of God together. And again, in His prayer the Lord speaks to the Father about His disciples and repeats these words: May they all be one, as You are the Father in Me and I in You (John 17:21). This is exactly where salvation lies - in unity, not in external, but really in such, when someone else's joy becomes your joy, someone else's pain becomes your pain. When you do not think of yourself as separate not only from your contemporaries, but also from the past and the future. When we are all from, then in this sacrament we unite with God and with each other in God.

Sometimes they forget about this unity, that it is a calling of a person. And the family is just the first step to such unity. Where the husband and wife are truly one flesh. After all, the ideal of love is when two people already become one. And just this family is that organism in which two personalities, who were originally strangers to each other, must become one with a single heart, common thoughts, in the image of the Holy Trinity, while not losing their personal uniqueness, but enriching and complementing each other.

This harmonious whole is the most beautiful thing in the world. And when children are still included in the family, the flower blooms with new and new petals, and each of them makes the whole flower even more beautiful. And this makes all of humanity more beautiful when everything consists of such bouquets of flowers.

intimate relationship

Marriage has a lot of aspects, and one of them is this. There is an opinion that priests or any Christian do not have sex at all, there are marital duties only for, and sex is an accessory of our sinful nature. And therefore it is necessary, if not to fight this matter, then, in any case, to treat it very evenly and not attach great importance.

In general, there is no single opinion on this matter, in Orthodox church books one can read various judgments on this issue. I will express my opinion, which I verified by reading patristic literature and contemporary theologians.

Nowhere in Holy Scripture can we read any judgments from which it would follow that the Church sees something dirty, bad, unclean in intimate relationships. This, perhaps, was already brought later, separately. And the whole tragedy lies in the fact that any aspect of a person's life can be built by him according to the saying: clean - everything is clean, dirty - everything is dirty.

Therefore, we need to think about how we look at all this. I would say that it is in the physical relationship between a man and a woman that a person can manifest both the dirtiest and most disgusting, and the most beautiful and sublime.

I am convinced that it is in this that sometimes a person can prove himself especially beautiful if love is at the core. Because in intimate relationships there can be satisfactions of lust and there can be manifestations of love.

In the first case, it is disgusting, low, sinful. A person has to fight this, because in nothing depravity manifests itself so strongly as in the lust that lives in everyone. The fight for is the hardest fight.

And in the second case, when people are attracted to each other by love, when each sees in the other not a means of satisfying his physiological needs, but just wants complete unity and the joy of communication, then there is nothing sinful in this.

And even more than that. If these relationships existed only for procreation, then people would be like animals. Because this is the case with animals, but only people have love. And, I think, it is very wrong to see in intimate marital relations only a means of procreation. People are attracted to each other, first of all, probably not by the desire that children appear as a result of this attraction, but precisely by love and the desire to be completely united with each other. But at the same time, of course, the joy of childbearing also becomes the highest gift of love. That is, love sanctifies intimate relationships. If there is love, they become beautiful.

Not only does the Church not condemn these relationships if they are based on love, the Church, through the mouths of the Holy Fathers and even through the mouths of Holy Scripture, uses these relationships as in some way to depict a more sublime love, love between man and God.

One of the most beautiful and amazing books of the Bible is the Song of Songs, in which many things can confuse people who are prone to excessive severity. It may even be completely incomprehensible how such a book got into the Holy Scriptures. And on the one hand, it really depicts the love between a young man and a girl, and with such frankness that can confuse sanctimonious people.

On the other hand, since ancient times there has been a tradition to understand this book allegorically, even the Old Testament interpreters understood it this way, and our holy fathers. Much is written about this, that in the Song of Songs, the love of a man and a woman is an image of the love of the human soul and God.

Therefore, any earthly love is a reflection of Divine love. And unity and every manifestation of earthly love is, perhaps, a step towards perfect love, when a person becomes one with God. I think that it is in this vein that it is necessary to consider the relationship between a man and a woman, including intimate relationships, in which in no case is there anything shameful and shameful.

Parenting

In my opinion, he brought out the ideal formula for raising children in the novel The Brothers Karamazov. He writes that the best upbringing is a good memory that a person made from childhood. The more good and kind memories a person accumulates during childhood, the stronger will be the moral basis of life in the future.

Indeed, a person is arranged in such a way that he does not forget anything from what happened in his life. It’s just that something is clearly remembered and stored in the mind, but something seems to fall out of memory and it seems that it has completely disappeared. But psychological research shows that this is not the case.

There is a case with one illiterate simple woman. She had a stroke at a very advanced age. Lying in the hospital in an unconscious state, she began to pronounce some words in an unknown language. The doctors who were next to her understood from the rhythm of her speech that she was reading poetry. This was of great interest to doctors. They began to invite philologists, but none of them could determine what language she spoke. In the end, they found out that it was Hebrew and Sanskrit. The woman was illiterate and did not study any languages ​​at all, especially ancient ones, but read huge passages. They began to research her biography. It turned out that in her youth she worked as a maid for a professor of theology, a specialist in Sanskrit and Hebrew. And while she cleaned his room, he walked and recited poetry. She, of course, was not going to memorize them and, probably, thought her own thoughts. And now, many decades later, in old age, something happened to her brain, perhaps as a result of a stroke, but all this began to spill out.

What does it say? The fact that everything that a person has ever heard, did not even listen to, but simply heard, everything remains in him. That we seem to have a tape recorder that is constantly turned on and absolutely everything is recorded there, our every thought, our every feeling, our every desire.

If it's already registered! What to talk about everyday things ... Here, in my opinion, a little secret is revealed when all these "tape recorders" are turned on and see what was recorded there.

In some Orthodox church hymns there are words: the books of conscience will unfold at the Last Judgment. And naturally an archaic image arises: some books where everything is written down, so they unfold and will be read. I have to see some skeptical grin when it comes to conscientious books. It is clear that this is a poetic image. But let's look at the essence: don't like "books", call it, for example, a tape recorder, or something else. After all, everything does not just settle in memory. Each sinful desire, each unworthy thought about some person, each of our suspicions not only remains, but on a subconscious level affects our behavior in the future.

Therefore, returning to the upbringing of children, I think that Dostoevsky's words in this context are very well understood. My task is to do everything in my power so that in the memory of my children, in their consciousness and, to a much greater extent, in the subconscious, there remains as much as possible imbued with kindness, love, truth. What I talk about in the kitchen with my wife, when the child in the next room is reading a book or playing, will remain in his memory. And, perhaps, from this then his thoughts, feelings, his attitude to everything that happens will be built. the child himself will not understand why he has such an attitude, such behavior. Although, such a view has nothing to do with official pedagogy.

In the beautiful work "The Summer of the Lord" he recalls his father, the life of their home. His entire adult life was based on these memories.

So, one person will have, like Shmelev: holidays, weekdays, sorrows - everything. And the other such positive memories, unfortunately, may be very small. After all, the main role in education is assigned to the power of example. And we parents ourselves do not need to do anything bad, so that later our children do not do it. It will be useless to instruct your children with correct verbal formulations. Because really in their memory there will be an example - what we did ourselves.

I would also like to say something that has completely disappeared from the life of a modern family - about reading together. What has become a unifying principle in the family is, it seems to me, a great tragedy, because it unites only externally, but internally, on the contrary, separates.

I remember that one father was very worried that his son did not join the Church in any way, and his son was just a boy, twelve years old: “I am his. Come on, stay with me."

And then I suggested that he not so much, maybe, try to drag him to church. After all, in Christianity the most important thing is not what happens in the church, and this is not an indicator of spiritual life. Everything matters though.

But still, the most important thing in Christianity is the person of Jesus Christ and fellowship with Jesus Christ. And what happens in the church is already the form in which this communication takes place. And it often happens that when a person comes to a church, he perceives the service as a kind of magical and aesthetic act, and by no means as a means of real communication with Jesus Christ, because he knows little about Christ.

So I advised that dad: “You don’t worry more about him falling in love with the temple, but about him. To do this, he must know as much as possible about Christ. Because Jesus Christ is such a beautiful person that a person who really looks into Him can hardly resist not loving Him. And when there is love for Jesus Christ and a desire to be like Him and communicate with Him, then the need and participation in worship will become clear.”

For any boy, as far as I know, communication with his father is very important. Such conversations will be of incomparable value. They will get closer. After all, people want to communicate. But in reality, only communion in Christ and with Christ, where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am among them (Matt. 18:20), when Christ is among us, then only communion is reduced to a real goal and is not illusory, but truly connects us to each other.

Now I would like to touch upon the topic of intimate relationships again, but in relation to the upbringing of children. When this question concerns the relationship between husband and wife, this is one thing. But when it comes to children who grow up and then it also begins to excite and disturb them, this is different.

We now live in a time when the information received by children is incommensurably more abundant than that which we received in our time. It is enough that the child walks down the street past the stalls with newspapers and magazines, where everything is open, everything “shines” there.

I'm not talking about what he can see on TV, about video production. I want to tell parents that this is a very serious problem and should not be brushed aside. Because there is an erroneous opinion: if a person is good, then it will not hurt him that he sees all this. They say that these magazines are for him, that these films are for him, if he is a normal child. And this is not so in reality. Because lust lives in every person. And it may not be so obvious, because everyone is hiding it. Because in society it is perceived as something shameful. And that's why people usually don't talk openly about it. It is not customary to discover.

People sometimes in the depths of their souls, in the recesses of their hearts, have such desires, such thoughts arise that they will be horrified if someone else finds out about this. The Holy Fathers write a lot about the fact that, perhaps, it is so difficult for a person to fight with anything as with this particular sphere. Therefore, as the child grows up, this begins to come to life in him. What form will it take?

We talked about the fact that intimate relationships between a man and a woman can be beautiful and pure, elevate and ennoble, and can humiliate a person worse than to the bestial image. Because an animal is not capable of such filth that a person is capable of when he gives free rein to his base passions.

Now the flow of external information is aimed at developing everything vile and vile in a person. It may be very embarrassing to talk about intimate life with children, but it is necessary. Because now the moral problem is being solved outside the church walls and the topic of chastity is not raised at all.

Sometimes they say that the Christian approach to, in principle, is no different from the universal one. That is, it is not even necessary to be a believer, you can be a highly moral person even without faith. Good and evil do not depend on whether a person believes or not.

Partially, of course, we can agree with this. Because there are many values ​​that are such both in the eyes of a believer and in the eyes of a non-believer, in particular: honesty, courage, conscientiousness, diligence - all this is almost neutral in relation to religion.

But as soon as it comes to chastity, here I would say that the unbelieving public consciousness almost does not know this value now. And the person is inspired with the idea that there are no restrictions here. If they do arise, they are connected not with a passionate sphere, but purely with a physiological one: so that there is no unwanted pregnancy, venereal diseases. There is such an expression - "". But it is not only the physical body that is at risk. You can make sure that a person does not get AIDS, there will be no unwanted pregnancies, but, nevertheless, the soul, the spirit will be destroyed. Only believers really talk about this in our time.

I would call the current situation catastrophic. Every young person, with rare exceptions, has these base desires, and it is very difficult to resist the external influences of the media. We practically become helpless.

How to be? I am consoled by Dostoevsky's thought put into the mouth of Dmitri Karamazov. He speaks vivid words about the fact that a person is wide, completely opposite desires coexist in the same person, for example, the desire for and worship before the Madonna. He is amazed: "Moreover, both are sincere." One part draws a person into the very abyss of sin, and he still has a desire for a pure life. This is what comforts.

We, Christians, can only oppose the corrupting external influence - to go towards the striving for purity. Not even the most important thing is to convince, as Lot convinced Sodom, that it is a sin to follow vicious inclinations.

Most people know this themselves, but they cannot help themselves, because it is a powerful force. a lot of people are reading now. He writes that the whole world history, the whole human life is determined by these instincts. Of course, we cannot agree with such a total influence of the sexual instinct. But we cannot but agree that sexual attraction really dictates and determines human behavior in this world in many ways. However, Christians add that the desire for purity is in man.

We say in the evening prayers: "The seed of aphids is in me." Yes, a certain infection lives in me and poisons me, and if I do not fight vice, it will develop in me. At the same time, we remember that the image of God lives in each of us. We know the words of Tertullian that every soul is by nature a Christian, that a person suffers and languishes in the depths of his soul when he follows his vicious passions, and that his soul strives for the light.

I think that when raising children, parents and teachers should try to feed this desire for purity, for light. This is where the emphasis should be. It is necessary to curse the darkness, but darkness can only be displaced by light. The more light we kindle in the soul of a child, the less darkness there will be.

Fasting in the family

Previously, when almost everyone fasted in Russia, not only the menu changed, but people were very careful with entertainment. Theaters were closed, there were no fair entertainments and so on. Those who were fasting tried to read spiritual literature. And not only in the evening they could read the Scriptures with the whole family, but they achieved that the whole life changed at this time, even in everyday life. In Shmelev we read that even the front furniture in the houses was hung up, that women did not wear jewelry, dressed more strictly than usual.

Now this is not so. What is described by Shmelev is an ideal. But it must be borne in mind that now there are very few families in which Orthodox traditions have already taken root. We live in an era when the vast majority of Orthodox are not those who absorbed the faith with their mother's milk, but those who discovered the faith for themselves as adults. Let the ideal that Shmelev describes remain. But at the same time, the measure of avoidance from joys, entertainment, etc., it seems to me, should be purely individual.

As for the observance of fasting by adults, there are general rules for fasting, and the Church offers each person to observe them to the extent that he is able. The question is not posed point-blank: strictly execute everything to the end, although, of course, it is better to do everything as it should be. But if it is not possible and impossible to comply with all this due to work or some kind of illness, simply due to weakness of the soul, do what you can, it is better than nothing.

The issue is more complex and serious. I am always saddened by the approach of some Orthodox parents who believe that children do not need to fast at all. Once during the time there was such an episode. We were sitting with one person drinking tea with lenten cookies, his schoolboy son ran in, took a sandwich with sausage and went. His father apparently caught my eye, although I did not intend to interfere and teach, but it became clear that this surprised me a little. And he says: "I believe that children do not need this, not the age, the growing body."

This situation is very typical, and such an opinion is often encountered. I strongly disagree with this. In my opinion, fasting is important and necessary for children more than adults.

After all, what is asceticism in general, in the Orthodox sense? This is a system of exercises aimed at ensuring that a person learns to subordinate the flesh to the spirit. The ability to manage one's desires is the dignity and beauty of a person. And it is not by chance that in the Holy Scriptures it is said about one man that he was a man of desires. And in our church hymns, troparia in honor of various saints, this expression is used.

What does "man of desires" mean? This is a man who knows how to control his desires. The tragedy of many people is that desires control them, and they do not control desires. And if we are raising children, then, naturally, the greatest thing we can give them in our upbringing is to teach them to control their desires. And one of the most important goals of fasting is the development of such a skill.

I know of such a case. A familiar aunt treated a little girl to a chocolate candy, the girl runs to her father and says: “Dad, they gave me a chocolate candy, you take it away, now it’s a fast, you can’t eat it, but on Easter you will give it to me.” And it is impossible not to be touched and not to admire! She could eat this candy and no one would see. And the child has already developed the ability to refrain.

By the way, once in a translation from Russian into English, I came across the word “abstinence”. It was translated into English as "self-control", that is, "self-control".

This is how sometimes reading in a foreign language helps to better understand the meaning of the words of your native speech. I immediately looked at the subject from the other side. That is, the emphasis is not on giving up something, but on the fact that a person controls himself, that a person controls himself.

This is the meaning of Orthodox abstinence. Not a chocolate candy is bad and not a piece of meat - there is nothing bad in them as such. All this is for the glory of God, but the bad thing is that a person cannot resist, that the desire to eat candy turns out to be stronger than the desire for inner strength and the ability to control oneself.

For children, as well as for adults, there cannot be a single recipe, uniform norms on how to fast.

Firstly, it is very important that the fast be voluntary, so that the child really understands that it is necessary, that his refusal is conscious, that this is a manifestation of his freedom. Some say: “I have such a weak-willed child, he believes in God, but fasting is very difficult for him. He wants to believe in God and go to church, but he doesn’t want to refuse.” What to do here? Force, demand?

I usually suggest trying to have a conversation with the child. Maybe nothing will work out, because there really are weak-willed and spoiled children. However, some steps need to be taken. For example, you can say to him: “Well, okay. Come on, you decide what you can refuse. And if you chose, then let's decide that it won't happen before that."

Let your child refuse not the entire list of food and entertainment, but choose one, two, three items, as long as it is what he loves. It will be the smallest refusal, but the experience of abstinence will begin. It is necessary that a person has some experience of overcoming himself, and, in the end, he will be able to get joy from this, because nothing pleases a person so much as victory over himself. And the experience of this victory, this joy should induce him another time to take up something more serious.

To love and not seek love

(Conclusion)

In our world there are various laws. I don’t mean legal laws, but the patterns by which all life is built. There are others. Every science is engaged in discovering these laws. Because such knowledge helps people to behave correctly and not to violate these laws. If I know that the earth attracts all objects from the fifth floor to itself and I want to go for a walk from the balcony, then it is clear that I will not do this, because I have a good idea of ​​the consequences of such an act. Only a completely insane person would think that this time the law will not work. It will always work, there will be no exceptions. All these natural laws are known.

But there is another kind of laws - spiritual ones. The Church knows them, and humanity did not discover them on its own, they were given to us by Divine Revelation. The one who created the earth, the material world, the spiritual, He also revealed these laws to us. and Sacred Tradition, among other things, is the knowledge of these laws. And our preaching is an attempt, an effort to bring the spiritual laws to the people.

The trouble is that the patterns of spiritual life are not as obvious as chemical, physical, mathematical laws. But they work exactly the same way.

The spiritual world is generally a mysterious world, and therefore, firstly, this word is not obvious, and secondly, not immediately. If I take a walk from the balcony from the fifth floor, then the law will work immediately. If I violate some spiritual law, it will not work immediately, and that is why a person may have the illusion that there is no such law.

In such a situation, a person can rely on only two things: on faith, on trust in God, Who says that it will be so, and on experience, probably. Indeed, with a careful look at the experience of mankind, at the experience of our loved ones, our acquaintances, at the experience of historical figures about whom it is written in books, one can see that spiritual laws always work.

For example, the Holy Fathers said about one of these laws that it is more blessed to give than to take. Here are the blessed, that is, speaking Russian, happy, although the words "happiness" and "bliss" are not entirely synonymous, but "" is more understandable to modern man. The one who gives is happier than the one who takes.

In a broader sense, giving means serving. After all, the Lord Himself said that the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve Himself (Matthew 20:28). He Himself washes the feet of the disciples, giving them an example of how to build their relationships with other people.

We say all the time that human nature is fallen. One of the manifestations of this fall is that a person is often selfish. And he is more inclined to be served, and not to be served.

The family is precisely the organism in which all its members serve each other. If I look at my family as something that gives me certain conveniences, advantages, comfort, then the harmony of human relations and unity will be violated. It is necessary to understand that in order to maintain unity in the family, I must give, not take.

I remember a case, partly even funny. When I was ordained a deacon, I had a wedding ring on my hand. Already at the altar, congratulating me on my ordination, he pointed to the ring and said that there is a tradition in the Russian Orthodox Church that clergy do not wear rings. I took it, of course. But for some reason I didn't think to take it off right away. I think after the service I'll take it off and put it away. And I forgot to do it.

The service is over, I go out in a cassock, happy - I have just been ordained. And as always happens in such cases, the Lord recalls what was said. The consecration took place in the Novodevichy Convent, which, after the service, becomes open to tourists as a museum. A foreign group is stopping not far from me. Suddenly the guide comes up to me and says: “Excuse me, please, foreign tourists saw a ring on your right hand, and they ask if you are a Catholic. Why do the Orthodox wear the ring on the right hand, while they, the Catholics, are supposed to wear the ring on the left?” Of course, I internally complained to myself that I didn’t think of removing the ring in time, but I already had to somehow get out, think of something.

And I got out, maybe not in the smartest way, but my answer satisfied them. “You know,” I say, “the right hand is the hand with which we give, and in marriage a person must give. The ring on the right hand reminds me of this.” Naturally, I invented it all right there and I thought that it was not a lie, because to some extent it is true. Though that doesn't seem to be the case. They were very pleased, admired: “What is the right answer!”

And maybe the answer was not very smart, because we also take it with our right hand. But at that moment it seemed to me that this was still not the worst idea, since it was essentially true. Of course, I immediately took off the ring, until someone else asked me some questions. And this slightly funny case reminds us of the most important thing, that in the family we must learn to give.

One person wrote a pitiful letter to a wonderful ascetic saying that they do not love him, and he answered him: “Do we really have such a commandment that we should be loved? We have a commandment that we love." I think that each of us should see our task in life this way: of course, I really want to be loved, but this is how it will turn out, I won’t be asked much for it at the judgment of God; but how I loved, this will be the true criterion of the value of my life. Our trouble is that we complain about the misunderstanding on the part of others, we seek consolation and we want love. But the Church, Christ tell us that everything should be the other way around. In one ancient prayer there are such wonderful words: “Lord, make me worthy to understand and not seek understanding, console and not seek consolation, love and not seek love.”

Published according to the publication: Priest Igor Gagarin. To love, not to seek love. Reflections on family and marriage. Klin, Christian Life, 2005.

Is it possible to build a family life without conflicts, or at least make them less destructive? Why are today's spouses sometimes so intolerant of each other? Is the husband always the head of the family, and what, in fact, does it mean to be the head of the family? And are both quarrels always to blame for conflicts? Is churching of spouses the key to a strong marriage? About the situation on the family front - sometimes today you can’t say otherwise, such battles are going on between two seemingly loving people - we are talking with Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov.

- Father Demetrius, hello! Thank you very much for agreeing to answer the questions of the Pravoslavie.ru portal. Today we would like to talk about conflicts in the family. In your opinion, what is the catalyst for these conflicts?

- Conflicts happen not only in the family. Much more often they are at work; they can be in the classroom, in the military team ... and just in the tram. I don't know how it is in space, but I suspect that they must be there, especially when the flight is long in time. This, unfortunately, is a common situation.

And the reasons are that all people are free and everyone has their own interests. And since all people are proud, they put their own interest higher than the interest of another person.

If the conflict manifests itself in a large meeting of people, then the general meeting can put a person in his place. For example, when it is a full-fledged and multi-generational family, or, to put it in a more understandable language, a clan. There are also conflicts there, and there can be screams and resentment, but the clan decides whether to be this way or that. And when the family is small, a three-year-old child can already be the head in it.

- Literally?

– Yes, in the literal sense. He decides everything - with the help of screams, tantrums. He is used to getting his own way at all costs, and by the age of three it becomes a stable skill, so he begins to rule everyone.

- And if this is not understood, then what can it lead to in the future?

- To the fact that he will become a very difficult person in communication. Of course, the range of his techniques will expand, but in principle everything will be the same as what he was used to from the age of three.

– Is there any way to fix this situation?

- It should not be corrected - it should be worked on from the very birth, and even earlier.

Let me emphasize right away: I am talking about the family only as a domestic church, only as a Christian family, because I don’t know anything else. And what kind of family is conceived by God - and it is conceived precisely as a domestic Church - for me is the most suitable way for people to survive. Therefore, everything that the world understands as a family is beyond my interests. Let sociologists or experts in criminal law deal with these conflicts, I'm not very interested.

Most of our marriages are done hastily, thoughtlessly: people who get married are completely unprepared for this - neither psychologically, nor in such a scientific, or something, even plan. They simply succumb to a very powerful attraction to the opposite sex, which all mammals have at a certain period of their life. Of course, this should not be the case with people, because we are given reason, we have a tradition and we have a religion. And there are always people from whom you can ask for advice, who are wise by the experience of life. If young people rely only on themselves, then “Mr. chance” operates: lucky / unlucky. So there are sayings like "I'm not lucky with men." The attitude to marriage as to the search for a man is a purely animal attitude. Of course, nothing good will come of this.

- Father, it is widely believed that at a certain time every family - in a year, in three years, in seven years ... - is going through a crisis. Do you agree with this?

- Not. Although you can look closely at these data. The thing is this: there are certain psychological patterns of the average Soviet person. Over the course of life, a person changes, these changes accumulate, and suddenly people see something new in another person. But the majority is categorically not ready to accept certain discoveries in each other. If there was a certain tradition - educational, spiritual, family and educational, then people would be ready for such changes and would overcome the "crises" that arise from these situations quite easily. And since our people live in complete darkness about this, they don’t know what to do here. They are completely unprepared for childhood crises, for example, they do not know what to do with them.

Modern parents are capable of only one thing - to fuse the child so that he does not annoy - anywhere: to children's institutions, for which everyone desires, or to grandmothers ... And they themselves will delve into the situation, read some book about it, start working with their own child, to find out what he lacks, what kind of spiritual vitamin ... Well, what are you! Just now I saw a fragment of one program: a mother accuses her daughter that from the age of eight she began to steal. But any person involved in pedagogy will say: if a child starts stealing from the age of 8, this is not a sign that he is a thief and will become a thief in the future, it just means that the child lacks affection. Because children who steal usually buy sweets, shortbread, chewing gum and distribute it to their peers in order to earn favor with them, which to some extent compensates for this lack of affection. And the thirst for this caress is so great that they are ready to endure screaming and beatings from their mother. Because the desire for affection is very strong, and one gets used to the beating of the mother in the same way as to the fact that it snows in winter.

– Can a person who has not yet “fledged” before marriage grow up already in family life, find an incentive for his inner growth?

- It happens, but quite rarely. Usually this underdevelopment - when neither faith, nor feelings, nor mind, nor heart - leads to the fact that even very elderly people, of retirement age, dog each day - I know this from confession. It becomes their way of life. They react to everything in the same way as children in kindergarten. They constantly snarl, put each bast in a line - and they live by this. Moreover, they think that this, in fact, is life, they get used to it.

You can, of course, “grow up”, but on the condition that one fell in love with another, and this love is not just sensual, “because he plays the guitar well,” but there is something in that person that attracts so much that it forces him to serve him; while the other has a willingness to forgive and gradually, over the course of decades, influence the character of a life partner. Which, out of a feeling of gratitude and such a kind attitude towards oneself, begins to change very smoothly. But it is not important to change, but simply his attacks of frenzied egoism become less frequent, and less often so much that they allow the one who doomed himself to such a marriage to live.

- Father, this is such a common situation today: two people meet, live together, they don’t think about the registry office yet, outwardly their relationship looks like a prosperous one, and they themselves seem to be pleasant people, but as soon as they decide to legalize their relationship, suddenly everything suddenly starts to change. You probably know these couples very well. How can all this be explained?

- Yes, there is nothing easier! Previously, they lived as two friends, each with his own life, enjoying communication. Yes, in addition, these are heterosexual creatures, delivering illegal marital joys to each other, which, in fact, do not belong to them. But everything is up to the first test: the onset of pregnancy, or manifestations of dissatisfaction with the older generation, or - usually it is initiated by a woman - expressing a desire to move to another status: from a temporary lover to legal spouses - which is very difficult, because when a man loves a woman, he wants to marry her, wants to serve her, and if he wants to take advantage of her… By the way, it happens that not only a man wants to “use”. The other day, a young man called me and said: “Father Dimitri, I don’t need to look for a job, but he came to me to help him with this, because my wife kicked me out.” A “wife” is called a cohabitant in order to camouflage the relationship under a non-existent civil marriage. Because a civil marriage is one that is concluded in state bodies, which is why it is called a civil marriage.

So, with cohabitation, the expressed desire to move to a “different status” is already a conflict. At first everything was very nice, because there were no complaints, and the desire for marriage is already a complaint. A claim to the lifestyle that, in fact, connected them, which is accompanied by such words as “I feel good with you”, “I love you”, “you are my such and such” - but in fact there is no responsibility , there is no desire to serve a person, there is no desire to make him happy. These relationships are very shallow. And due to the fact that they are an imitation of the family, they ruin the ability to family life.

Even for the future?

– Yes, definitely. Because, as psychologists say, dynamic stereotypes arise, which then affect a person, and he experiences some kind of confusion. In ancient times, in all nations, both the young maiden and the young boy were always focused only on marriage. Except for the creatures who were engaged in this as a craft - then they simply, like eunuchs, doomed themselves in advance to the fact that there would never be any family, but there would be such a profession that would bring enough income to live without cultivating the land, not fighting, not building ... - to live on a salary, but you must sacrifice your family life in the future. This, of course, is grief for a person, because God has a completely different destiny for a person.

And such an optional attitude to marriage, to the family greatly affects the soul of a person. It's all heartbreaking. So, it happens that when a person is slightly drunk, he is so very cheerful and very witty, but the price for this is small, because behind this fun there is nothing but some kind of joke. And for a half-drunk company, this is nice. He is not drunk, but half drunk - in Russian there is even a special term: “drunk”, that is, he has already drunk, but not so much as to be drunk. And in every village drunk is a different degree, and they are treated differently. Chasing his wife with an ax is one stage, while chasing two neighbors at the same time is another stage.

So in cohabitation - they are so drunk.

But a person, having lost the tradition of a serious attitude to marriage, having lost his religiosity, because marriage is a religious matter, a Divine institution ... - and so, such a person becomes an animal to some extent. With all the ensuing difficulties and consequences. And animals also sometimes squabble, but a person in such cohabitation cannot achieve humanity, not to mention becoming a Christian - he begins to live a completely dog's life.

- Father, what would you say to those men who tell their wives: “You are not the same anymore, there are younger and more attractive ones, and I am leaving you ...”

- Well, yes, there are, of course, young people who are ready to give themselves up at the first whistle. And a man can survive another “civil marriage”, and so there are five, six, seven of them during his life. Why are men satisfied with this? Yes, no responsibility, almost minimal expenses, no children. But this person loses such a most important treasure as a family. Because his "family" is very superficial. It's the same as if a person sang a song all his life: "There was a black cat - and now it's the other way around ... Ta-ta-taram-ta-ta-ta-ta", although there is completely different music - Haydn, for example. But he does not know this and will not know, just like a person who has been eating one hominy all his life does not know that there are also grapes and avocados. Actually, this is one of the next forms of dehumanization, turning oneself into such a rather unpleasant mammal.

- Is it possible to direct the course of the conflict in such a way that a person who has a tendency to sort things out very violently would be discharged with the least damage to others and himself? And how to do it?

- I sometimes advise people who find themselves in such a situation to bring it to the point of absurdity. There is a mathematical rule: it is absurd, so it is wrong. If such a situation is reduced to absurdity, then the other side, if it has the rudimentary remnants of the mind, can figure out what's what and make some kind of compromise. What is a compromise? You to me, I to you. You do not swear - I do not hit plates on your head. Just! “And I,” he says, “used to swear.” “And I’m used to hitting cymbals.” Something like this, for example, can be advised.

But the best thing is when two people agree. If they are capable of it, of course. What I sometimes doubt when I see our talk shows is that, of course, such characters are specially selected there, but it seems that people are no longer able to hear each other at all. But if you talk in nervousness, then you won’t be able to agree on anything. Then we must try to attract a calm person who is friendly to both conflicters, and in his presence as a kind of arbitrator ... a person, not a judge ... everything can be discussed. Whoever is ready to make concessions in what - just list everything. For example: I categorically do not like this and that in my husband / my wife. Can he/she remove it from life? If yes, then life will immediately improve. This is very easy to achieve, in 10 minutes. If there is a desire to meet halfway, then this problem can be solved. Provided that the family is dear, if there is love for the spouse, if there is care for children. Because it happens that one spouse does not care what the children eat, and the other believes that you need to eat healthy food, and he is ready to go shopping for this, and choose, and cook specially.

- Tell me, what about the spouses in a situation where one of them cheated on the other? In general, can you forgive treason and betrayal?

- What do you mean - it's possible? It happens when a person does not want to forgive out of principle, or, for example, he has long been tired of family life and he is glad that something has finally happened to end it all. There are dozens of options here. There are not thousands, but dozens. And it happens that a person is so attached to what is called a family, and is ready to forgive for the sake of the family, in order to continue living in the family - it is dear to him. Let the new established way of life, not so traditional ...

And what are the options? Let's say a woman has been married for a quarter of a century and suddenly finds out about something like that. And she weighs: what is best for her? Again, for reasons of selfishness, rarely for reasons of love ... He decides: "I will pretend that nothing happened, but everything will remain the same." But it happens that a woman is ready to endure beatings, and all for the sake of her husband's salary - she is so attached to money. And, sometimes, she is attached to the house: she likes everything, flowers, gardens ... She also thinks like this: “But he, with his financial capabilities, can generally arrange it so that I go to jail and still pay child support ... » After all, the courts are not a search for truth, but only a tool in the hands of the people who are with him: lawyers, prosecutors, judges ... This is such a machine. No wonder the ancient wisdom says: "Do not sue the rich" - this is a folk experience.

- It often happens when one of the spouses - no matter whether a man or a woman - brings the situation to such a point that the other begins to look for the slightest reason to find some kind of outlet for himself, some kind of hobby ...

- This happens, and it comes from childhood, of course. Don't you remember from your school life a verb used by children, classmates: "bring"? Experienced children, starting from the age of three, perfectly bring their grandmother, and father, and mother, and kindergarten teacher to white heat, because they are in charge, they know how to manipulate, they know perfectly well what sound they react to, what lies. He himself hit Vasya with the edge of the shoulder blade, and then roared: “Oh, Vasya beat me! ..” - and watches how the adults yell at Vasya, put him in a corner, and while they are dragging him into a corner, they also beat him on the back of the head, - and he likes it very much.

- Father, how should a woman or a girl behave in a manner that is manipulated by a man in this way?

- It is not entirely clear why she needs such a freak. Well, yes, there is an instinct about which the Bible says: you will have a desire for your husband. But still, it is assumed that the head is present in everything, in every action. For a very large number of young girls, a car decorated with flowers, balloons, rings with bells and other nonsense are important, because Masha got married - she had a five-meter limousine, and I had 5.50! And she had white, and I had lilac, no one had this! Everything is turned into this completely artificial, unrelated ritual. It means nothing - just like the New Year means nothing. Like May 1st. There is no solidarity among workers. Give an award to a tenth of the team - and you will see what kind of solidarity there will be. It's all communist nonsense. Likewise, these constructions around marriage are all fake, have no roots, they are like artificial flowers, it is all a model and imitation and leads to a model and imitation of family life.

- What is the role of parents? Should they intervene in the conflict?

– Intervene? In general, parents should manage everything, the entire educational process of their children.

“Even married?”

- If the marriage has just taken place - definitely.

- You are now talking about something that is probably unusual for many to hear. Now everyone is independent...

- Yes, I'm not talking about what many are accustomed to. They got used to abortions, divorces - I'm not talking about that. My task is different: for people to look at themselves through the prism of God's plan. How a person should eat proteins, fats, carbohydrates, trace elements and vitamins, and if he eats broken glass, drinks hydrochloric acid, then after a while he will have to do a stomach resection. So here, in such a very important spiritual sphere of human life as family, marriage, if he does everything the other way around, if everything is filled with myths, idiocy and what a divorced girlfriend advises ... well, everything will come to the same divorce as this girlfriend. If that's what you're after, then why go all out and spend money on those stupid limousines? Here, in fact, my task, as an old grandfather, is to warn against this stupidity. And to say: the family and the groom are chosen very carefully.

- How long should it take, in your opinion, from the first date to the decision to marry?

- Father John (Krestyankin) said: a year or two. And I see from my experience that yes, this is a good time. But it doesn't have to be formal. And it happens like this: “Father, my son is seven years old, I brought him to confession.” - "Good. Did you talk to him about confession? - "Not". “Have you ever read the Gospel to him?” - "Not". “Does he know at least one prayer from you?” - "Not". “Have you ever fasted with him?” - "Not". And what's the point that he was seven years old and brought to confession? Well, yes, he is seven years old, and by the age of Christian life he is four. Pure formalism.

- Often during a conflict, the spouse makes such an argument: "I am a man, I am the main one." The woman replied: "I'm weaker, you have to listen to me." In general, the question is appropriate in the family, who is in charge - a man or a woman?

- According to God's plan, it would be good for a man to be the main one. This is how his psyche and his mind are specially arranged. Therefore, in critical moments, when the chiefness plays a role, a man becomes a commander, for example. A woman can be a military commander, but of some micro-aviation level, she is a senior flight commander, but it is already difficult for a woman to be a squadron commander. In a tank brigade - it is generally impossible. A woman in command of the front is nonsense: there has never been, cannot be, and never will be. That, in fact, is all.

But, let's say, such a family has developed: the wife is 15 years older, she has two higher educations, three raised children from her first marriage, she is a widow; a man, seeing her beauty, intelligence, nobility, fell head over heels in love; she checked him for two years, then she showed favor and said “yes”. Well, if he is a smart person, of course, she will be the head of the family. And she will transfer to him some functions from this leadership, and he will diligently fulfill them and grow. And, you see, in 15-20 years he will become a real man. And when she weakens from old age, he will completely replace her and become the head, treating her with great reverence, because she raised him like a second mother. And what's wrong with that?

We must do what is appropriate. And what is the purpose? A husband should make his wife happy, and a wife should make her husband happy. This pleases God. And not just: "Be quiet, you fool, I'm in charge" Is that love, or what?

- You said the words: "When a young man becomes a man." It is very important. But what if the girl believes that while her chosen one has not become a man? How can he acquire these qualities and become a truly real man?

- Well, how ... His father should do this.

- And not the wife?

- Certainly. Ideally.

– How to learn to listen and hear each other in the family?

- Always remember the purpose and meaning of the existence of the family and why it was created. Not to practice vanity, in lust for power, but to serve each other, thus setting an example for your children. Teach them love, obedience, humility, diligence, faith, prayer.

– Often pastors, when two people come to them in conflict, say: both are to blame. Are both always to blame? Or is one of the two more, say, guilty?

- No, of the two, one is always more to blame. And more always a man.

- Why is it a man?

Because it is his responsibility. You are the head of the family - well, come on, sort it out! Imagine: a riot on a ship. What are the chefs on the yard? All claims to the commander of the ship. What, you can't clean up the ship? Well, then you get written off overboard, and that's it! Because you are incapable of being a captain.

- Yes, it's very simple.

- Extremely simple.

– And what about when conflicts arise on religious grounds? When a man is against his wife going to church, or when a woman interferes with her husband's church life, does not understand him/her, and expresses her misunderstanding in a form that is at least incorrect?

– It was not for nothing that I said at the beginning of the conversation that I consider marriage only as a domestic Church. According to the canons of the Church, marriage is not blessed with a person belonging to another denomination or another religion - precisely because we are extremely respectful of the faith of another person. And this happens very often: "My husband - he is, however, a Muslim - forbids children to be baptized." Well, he does it right! What can I say? These are his children. You are his wife, a Muslim is allowed to marry a Christian. But if for you the law of your own religion is nothing, then what claims? There is no help in this situation. Either you become a Muslim, or you destroy your family and live alone. It is not yet certain whether your children will be given to you, because there are other customs. Before you go to another country, you need to find out what customs are there. And if you are going to a country called Family and Marriage, I'm sorry, you have to learn everything by heart. And do you agree to this? What is a handsome and charming man? Yes, that's for sure. But that is not the basis of marriage.

- A very common situation, about which, probably, more than one book has been written: two people live together for a very long time, raise children, and as soon as the children grow up, leave for another city, the family begins to fall apart, it seems that the house is empty, and the husband and wife no longer find anything in common. Why is this happening? And how to fix this situation?

- So, there was no love - everything was some kind of secondary occupation. Children are a secondary occupation. And he had to make his wife happy. More V.G. Belinsky said: when you are going to get married, you must be ready to love your wife and be a deep old woman. And if so: first we build a house, then we build a dacha, then we build a garage with a bedroom, then we are this, then we are that, then the children go there, then to the institute ... And when it all ends - what is left? “Just bite each other. Because what they lived is over. Husband and wife live with each other. And the second is children. In third place are their own parents, this is also such a position. Then siblings - this is the next position. “Sorry, dear, I would like to go to my brother, help him - do you mind? He became very seriously ill, he has four children, and his wife cannot cope ... "

“It turns out that the children were in the first place ...

- The children were in the first place: "I gave all of myself to the children." I am writing a resolution: "And in vain." You can’t give everything of yourself - to children, work, art. In marriage, the husband must give himself to his wife, and the wife must give herself to her husband. This doesn't mean you don't have to work. But there is a hierarchy of values, and it is built from the spouse. There may not be children, but there is a family. You can take children from an orphanage, you can take nephews, who have a lot, and bring them up - and in Russia, in all Christian countries, this was a tradition. Some, for example, viscounts and marquises have children, while others - counts and dukes - do not, the count takes the child from the poor marquise, brings him up as a lord, and even gives the title, also the land, and the castle, and that's all ...

– It has been noticed that over the past 10–15 years, the percentage of divorces initiated by women has increased significantly. What do you think it is connected with? Are men shrinking?

- Shrink. She got married, but she looks: it’s not a Rottweiler, not a Doberman, not a St. Bernard. He’s big, he loves to eat, he loves to walk, he whines all the time, he needs something all the time, and he also barks at you. The thought comes: “Well, now I will remove it, will there be less dust? - Less. - No one will shit? - Will not. - No one will ask to walk? - Will not. Then, in food, economy: he eats more than an ordinary person ... ”As one woman in the village told me, God rest her, Ninochka:“ And it’s not profitable to keep a peasant now. Better,” he says, “a piglet.” He seemed to fulfill his own: she, in my opinion, has three children. And so - what?

– How to make it so that for people who have just entered into marriage and are just starting to come to God, God is in the first place?

- It's already late. Religion is instilled in the family. This should have been taken care of by the father and mother.

- There are examples when two people find each other, thinking that they are churchgoers, but in fact ...

– No, churching itself is not a bad thing. But not nearly as important as people think. Churching is a subculture where people quickly recognize each other. They can joke about some words of the Psalter, they know all the priests, all the bishops, they know all the monasteries, they can read the clock in the temple. But they don't know how to love, they don't know how to pray. They do not know how to expose their chests to bullets so that they, these bullets, do not hit the chest of another person whose name you do not know. They do not know what it is to visit the sick. Christianity is still very shallow. Maybe the time will come and it will grow. But with this churching, they remain ordinary such Soviet people and think that everything will come by itself. Because they are all from one-child families and are used to it: you open your mouth - and mommy puts everything in there. I want to go there - my mother has already hired teachers, and now, they are studying the exam. I want to get married - and here is a very good guy, we love each other, we have known each other for a long time, the second month has already gone ... And then a young man comes. His mother bought him a shirt, his mother ironed his jacket, his mother polished his shoes… it’s true that his mother can’t force him to go to the hairdresser, but at least his mother washed his hair with Horsepower shampoo. And he is like nothing, and smells good, and so shy - why not the groom. And then it starts! Here he is sitting on the couch, but not to earn money, buy sausages, bring it into the house, cut it, put the rest in the refrigerator, and also make sure that it does not go out ... And it turns out that there are seven more people in the house ... But he is nothing - then he doesn't know. He only knows how to open his mouth and when the Trisagion and Our Father should be said - he knows this, but there is no sense in this. You can't build a family on this, no.

– But at the same time, you said that mom can and dad can – and even should, if they are believers themselves – influence this small Church…

- Well, that's the main thing. After all, a deep Christian, let's call it that, must respond to the call of God and create a home church - behold, Lord! This is the most important thing on earth. To give birth, raise and teach your children Christianity. As one boy approached me: “Father Dimitri, can I not go to church?” Here, he sets a task for me: what should I do as a person who replaces his father, grandfather, mother, so that he wants to go to church and understand what is happening there?! And why do I go, I don’t have to be forced, even when I don’t feel very well, and he feels well, he is young, he is seven years old, but he doesn’t want to, because he doesn’t understand anything there! And most of the so-called churched people do not understand anything. They know that children should be given communion. Well, what - a child: they brought him to take communion, and he yells at the whole temple. And if you put him on the floor, he will run somewhere: boom-boom-boom-boom - slams his feet, he likes: eh! He does what he wants, but he is completely at a loss. And dads are generally unknown where: I don’t know, it’s not visible. And raising a child is, after making his wife happy, the main task of the father. He must think about it, not only think about it - he must invent it, he must read about it, he must find a way for this.

- What to do when a woman is dissatisfied with her chosen one, with the way he provides for the family? Very often, conflicts arise on this basis ...

- If she is unhappy ... Well, it happens: she bought a fur coat, brought it home, put it on and is unhappy - for this there are some days when the purchased can be exchanged. This does not happen in marriage. Therefore, you have to put up with it, you have to somehow influence it, you need to develop a whole life strategy, and this is very hard work. Therefore, in order for this not to happen, everything must be discussed in advance. Here's how to raise a baby you need to start when he is just conceived, and even earlier. From whom is it conceived? - From a man. But after all, a man should not only be, as they say now, a “biological father” - wonderful! This is not enough. This person must be a Christian, he must be smart, noble, strong, courageous, moderately rich (who will buy fur coats - a wife or something, at two jobs?) - that's when you need to start this process of raising children: by choice spouse.

- This is a mutual process - after all, the spouse chooses, and the spouse chooses.

- Certainly. Forcibly, no one will pull into marriage. Here you can consult with parents, with grandfathers.

- What would you advise those families who cannot yet resolve any conflict situations for one reason or another?

- Talk. Everything needs to be discussed. Be patient so that a glass of water is - to cool. The only way. And to treat each other with respect is the default.

Nikita Filatov spoke with Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov

Something about the spiritual causes of divorce

Why do families break up? Who is to blame for the fact that the husband and wife suddenly become out of the way? How to save a marriage if it has cracked, and how to prevent cooling in a relationship? We decided to talk about the spiritual view of this problem with a young priest, cleric of the Saratov Church of the First Apostles Peter and Paul Vladimir Sukhikh.

Father Vladimir and mother Tatyana have been together for five years. They have a very warm family and three wonderful children. Despite this, the priest at first refused to be interviewed on the family topic, referring to the lack of sophistication in life experience. But under the pressure of arguments - a short experience of family life suggests that the spouses have not yet forgotten the difficulties of the first years of marriage - he was forced to agree.

As a result, we had a whole series of conversations. The first is about why people get married and why they get divorced.

- Father Vladimir, 80 percent of marriages in our country break up, and this trend cannot but upset. Why does it happen that people who once seemed to love each other and were close suddenly become completely strangers?

- Unfortunately, most modern people get married without having a proper understanding of its purpose. Often they get married, experiencing only physical attraction to each other.

This in itself is not bad. St. John Chrysostom even said on this occasion that if God had not put in us this craving for the opposite sex, no one would ever marry, knowing its hardships. But the problem is different: people stop, so to speak, only at the physical level.

In Greek, carnal love is denoted as eros - sensual, physical love. This is a trigger that gives rise to people's interest in each other. Such love-passion can be very strong, but weakens over time and therefore cannot serve as a reliable foundation for marriage. If a couple is not connected by anything other than closeness, such a marriage quickly breaks up.

Sometimes people who are more educated, more educated, developed choose a life partner based on the principle of spiritual similarity. I am interested in this person, we understand each other well, we have common views. In Greek, this feeling is denoted as philia, that is, love-friendship. Relationships based on such a feeling can be long and quite happy if people have enough worldly wisdom and condescension to each other's weaknesses. But this kind of love, from the point of view of Christianity, is imperfect.

There is a third kind of love - spiritual love, agape. This is a very special feeling that only those who live in Christ can experience.

How is this love expressed?

- A person feels love not only for his relatives, relatives, friends, but also for all of humanity. This experience is familiar to people who have had the experience of the Communion of the Body and Blood of Christ. Together with the Body of Christ, Christians accept Christ's love into their being, and a person feels not only peace, tranquility, harmony, fullness of being, but also love for those people for whom, perhaps, five minutes ago, he did not have any good feelings at all. . It is love that is equal to all. It is not damaged by resentment, grief, disappointment. This is the love with which Christ loves each of us. In Greek, agape, love-worship, expresses a person's relationship with God, so Christians are people who are in perfect love. Who is a moment, who is a minute, who is an hour, a day or several days. And the goal of life is through the fulfillment of the commandments to become able not temporarily, but constantly to abide in such love. And marriage gives a person the potential to acquire that kind of love.

Echo of paradise

- Why marriage?

Because that's how God intended it to be. Now representatives of non-traditional minorities often say that marriage as a social institution is outdated. So, marriage is basically a non-human institution. Marriage is an institution created by God. This is the oldest sacrament that existed before Christianity. Adam and Eve carried him out of paradise. All peoples had marriage traditions, when a man and a woman, who did not know each other before, through a rite became something new, and not in a social, but in a mystical way.

What is new about them?

- The answer to this question is given by the Apostle Paul when he says that the union of a man and a woman is a union similar to the union of Christ and the Church (Epistle to the Ephesians, chapter 5). This is a very important thesis, without understanding which it is impossible to penetrate into the very essence of true family relations. The apostle says that in marriage between a man and a woman, that deep unity is possible that exists between the human soul and Christ, between the Church as an association of believers and Christ. But this unity is possible for a person even outside the framework of the Church. That is why the Church respects every legal marriage, even unmarried ones, because any legal marriage is already blessed by God.

- Why, then, and the wedding?

“Because there are many difficulties in marriage, many difficulties. It is normal for a Christian to pray before any deed, to ask God's blessing. We pray before meals; before getting into the car; before the start of any important event. Moreover, it is necessary to take God's blessing before starting such an important matter as creating a family, having children.

What is this blessing expressed in? What gifts does a person receive?

– A person in the sacrament of marriage receives the potential opportunity to realize in marriage that special spiritual love to which every Christian is called. There is a saying: “He who has no love, he marries or marries. And whoever has love, becomes a monk.” Marriage is the school of love. First we learn to love a wife or husband, then we learn to love children, then a mother-in-law or mother-in-law and other relatives of the second half. In a real marriage, love is born, grows and gradually spreads to an increasing number of people.

– Someone may say: “This is too global, I don’t need so much love, I would learn to love each other within my small family.”

- St. John Chrysostom has an interesting discussion about the establishment of why it is impossible to marry relatives. He explains it this way: in order not to limit love. You love your family so much. And the Lord wants to unite you with another race so that the circle of love expands.

Probably, not everyone will understand the desire for all-encompassing love, if we can’t even love our closest ones. But when the Lord explained to his disciples how a Christian differs from other people, he repeatedly emphasized the idea that with the help of God something more is possible for a Christian than an ordinary person, that he can and should love even enemies.

Why should a wife be afraid of her husband?

– But, if marriage is pleasing to God even without a wedding, why is everything so difficult? Where do quarrels, misunderstandings, disagreements come from?

– Difficulties in marriage are experienced by everyone: both those who are far from the Christian perception of the world, and believers, married spouses. But the first, not understanding the true purpose of marriage, do not know how to resist these trials. By registering relationships, they are aimed at getting in marriage rather than giving themselves, that is, their attitudes are selfish.

For example, a man is tired of cooking and washing himself, and he marries, counting on the fact that his wife will be his housekeeper. A woman can get married to get financial security.

In any case, such unions are based on the expectation that the other will satisfy my needs, and not I will try to satisfy his interests, make his life easier. People are driven by the desire to get something. At the same time, none of them thinks about what I can give to my half.

When we marry a man, and not an angel, we are confronted with his selfishness. A selfish person is not going to serve another. He thinks everyone owes it to him. And when both are aimed at obtaining benefits, when both do not want to sacrifice their interests, time, money, mental strength, then conflicts inevitably arise. Unfulfilled expectations give rise to disappointments, disappointments lead to claims, claims lead to quarrels.

Is it different in Christian families?

– Ideally, yes. Each of the spouses tries to think: “What should I do to make my beloved feel good?”. Everyone is determined to give everything they can to the other.

The Apostle Paul compares Christian marriage to the relationship between Christ and the Church. He says: "Let a wife fear her husband, as the Church fears Christ."

In what sense does the Church fear Christ? It's not that she's afraid of being punished for her transgression. The Church, and consequently every believer, is afraid of Christ in the sense that they are afraid of upsetting and offending Him. What a Christian fears most is destroying the good relationship he has with God. This is the sense in which a wife should be afraid of her husband.

The apostle says: “Let the wife be submissive to her husband in everything. But let a husband love his wife as Christ loved his Church.” And how did Christ love the Church? He loved her to the point of crucifixion, to the absolute, ultimate possible sacrifice for a human being – the sacrifice of one's own life. This means: a man entering into marriage must devote his life entirely to the family. Serve her in the highest sense of the word.

How else does Christ love the Church? Great patience. He forgives us a lot, condescends to our infirmities. Does not leave us even when we leave Him. He expects us to return to Him through repentance.

Ideally, the relationship of husband and wife is exactly like that. She is submissive to him in everything and is ready to sacrifice everything for him. But he is ready to sacrifice even more.

When we think about the meaning of the apostolic teaching, we see that the hierarchy that God established for the family (the husband is the head, the wife is subordinate) is not at all a soulless administrative relationship, it is a relationship based on sacrifice. If a marriage is built on Christian values, it is doomed to be happy.

There is a well-known expression: "Lovers look at each other, and those who love look in one direction - at Christ." In the sense that they imitate Him, they are guided in life by Christian principles. And everything else follows from here: the need for humility, infinite patience, forgiveness.

Love Formula

- When my wife and I were going to get married, I suggested: let's make engravings on our rings so that in the future, looking at these inscriptions, we can draw strength from them to overcome difficulties. We went through several places from the Gospel and the Epistles of the Apostles that speak of love, about the family, and settled on the First Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians, in which he defines love: proud, does not act out of order, does not seek his own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything.

The wife wrote on her ring: "Love never fails." It is infinite and does not die even with the end of a person's life.

I wrote on my ring the first thing with which the apostle began: "Love is longsuffering." Love begins with patience, and love not only endures, but endures for a long time.

How long? How many will be needed.

And I think that 90 percent of the problems in marriage (I say this from my own experience and the experience of people who come to confession) are due to the fact that people do not want to endure or do not set such a goal. We do not see our shortcomings, but how intolerant we are of the mistakes of our neighbors.

- It's hard to disagree with this. I liked the advice of one elder: “Imagine that you have to live with your clone, with a person who is completely similar to you in appearance, character, habits. What will it be like for you?" I presented and was horrified. “And your loved ones,” continued the elder, “have to live with you.” After that, my native people seem almost holy to me.

– Yes, we all lack a critical look at ourselves and patience. And only Christianity teaches this. Christ did not advise to increase one's self-esteem, he taught to see the beam in one's own eye and not to notice the speck in someone else's. He also taught to forgive offenders. If something unpleasant is said to us at work, we, as a rule, can control ourselves, endure. We can be offended in our hearts, but outwardly we can’t show it in any way.

In the family, we do not consider it necessary to hold back. This is a close person, and I can be with him the way I really am. We explode at any criticism. We release the brakes, remove all the anchors and pour out all the negativity that overwhelms us on the person. On this occasion, I recall the blessing of Father Paisius Svyatogorets to one couple who were getting married. He wrote to them: “May Christ and the Most Holy Theotokos be with you. Dimitri, I give you the blessing to swear with the whole world, except for Mary! And Mary the same blessing: to swear with everyone, but not with you. This, of course, is a metaphor, but it allows you to understand the essence of good relationships in marriage. Negativity should be left outside the house.

In the next conversation, Father Vladimir will talk about how to learn patience and love, as well as about whether house building is as terrible as modern people think about it.

Newspaper "Saratov panorama" No. 40 (917)

Answer: Although this is more of a replica rather than a direct question, I will try to express my point of view on this problem, especially since such questions concern many people, and I have already had to answer them before.

I agree with the deeply respected father Maxim: creating a family is always a risk. As well as any difficult and important business. Like opening a new business, building a large facility, or having a baby. Doesn't a woman, especially a believer, for whom abortion is a grave sin, take risks when she conceives and then gives birth to a baby? After all, an ectopic pregnancy, various complications, the threat of miscarriage and, finally, the risk of dying during childbirth or giving birth to a disabled child are possible. No one is immune from these and other dangers. But, nevertheless, almost every family, knowing about these dangers, takes risks. Or another example: driving a car. Every year 30,000 people die on Russian roads. This is twice as many as our soldiers died in Afghanistan during the nine years of the war. And how many more people annually remain crippled and lose their health in an accident! But, knowing all this, everyone continues to use vehicles, and some work as drivers. But every sane person, starting an unsafe business, tries to minimize the degree of risk. This is also stated in the Gospel: “For which of you, wanting to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the costs, whether he has what it takes to complete it, so that when he lays the foundation and is unable to complete, all who see do not begin to laugh over him, saying, This man began to build, and could not finish? Or what king, going to war against another king, does not sit down and consult first whether he is strong with ten thousand to resist the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? Otherwise, while he is still far away, he will send an embassy to him to ask for peace” (Luke 14:28-32). An example with the same driving a car: who will get into accidents more often - a driver who has completed a training course, drives carefully and follows the rules, or a person who bought a license without really learning how to drive, often breaks the rules and is also prone to recklessness ? I think the answer is obvious. If a woman wants to reduce the risk of pregnancy, she must also follow the rules: take care of yourself, eat well, do not lift weights, see a doctor. If she carries heavy bags, smokes, drinks alcohol and does not care about the recommendations of doctors, then it is very likely that her pregnancy will end in failure. Of course, there are very small chances that, despite all this, the Lord will still save her and the unborn baby and she will be safely born a healthy baby - there are such cases. But it is clear to anyone that the risk for such a woman in labor increases many times over.

Now about marriage. If a Christian wants to live according to the will of God and save his soul, he must be guided not by his own “truth”, but by the Truth of God, which is set forth in Holy Scripture and in the writings of the Holy Fathers, that is, in Holy Tradition, as well as the instructions of his conscience and advice spiritual father. If he lives according to the principle: “my will be done”, I will live as I want, and then the Lord will manage somehow (after all, life is a risk anyway), he commits a big sin, deliberately goes against God and exposes himself to great danger .

Holy Scripture gives us the doctrine of marriage. I will not now detail it with numerous quotes - everyone, if desired, can find them himself. I will be brief. The Lord gives us the rules of family life. These are: 1) mutual marital love and hierarchy, in the image of the love and hierarchy of Christ and the Church, 2) keeping purity before marriage and fidelity in marriage, 3) the indissolubility of the marital union (except for the guilt of adultery): “what God has combined, let a man not separates” (Matthew 19:6). If we build a family life according to these spiritual laws, we can save our family from many troubles and find marital happiness. Of course, there are cases, like the one described in the above commentary, when church virginal young people do not find marital happiness and their marriage breaks up. But, if you look at the situation as a whole, divorces, betrayals and family scandals are much less common in church families. There, these phenomena are exceptions, but in other, unbelieving, families, they are common and even natural. Christian families break up not because the rules of Christian family life are bad, and not because the Holy Scripture is outdated, but because we are Christians - Orthodox of the 21st century, who have forgotten what real love, family, patience are. After all, in order to create a strong and happy Christian family, only external correct conditions are not enough. We need our personal work, the feat of family life. The Monk Seraphim of Sarov said that for salvation it is not enough just to pray, fast and go to the temple, you need "acquisition of the Holy Spirit." So it is in family life. Of course, the right conditions help us and reduce risks, but the main thing is the acquisition and preservation of the spirit of love. True, sacrificial conjugal love is the content of marriage, and the right conditions are the form.

As Father Maxim Kozlov again correctly noted, there is a special vision of God, His Providence for each individual person and for each married couple. Because every person has his own way to God. Someone in childhood did not receive an Orthodox upbringing, grew up in an incomplete family and “did a trick in his youth” - there is only one demand from him, only God’s watching about him. And it is very possible that after his sincere repentance and realization of his mistakes, the Lord will give this person another chance for happiness. Or vice versa: a person grew up in a priestly, friendly family, but consciously took the path of sin, fell into fornication before marriage, cheated on his wife in marriage, divorced and entered into a second marriage - it is clear that the demand from him will be completely different: “to whom much has been given, and much will be required; and to whom much has been entrusted, more will be exacted from him” (Luke 12:48). Yes, the Lord has a special consideration for everyone, but that's what it is special which is not for everyone. And for all of us there is a common plan of God: to be saved and to build life (including family life) according to the commandments, according to the Gospel.

You gave a very specific example: the couple went through a turbulent youth, each had several marriages and several children from these marriages, went against the blessing of the priest, got married, and everything is fine with them. Sorry, but as a clergyman who regularly takes confession, I cannot agree with this. Constantly confessing people who are not already in their first marriage, I know how they, their spouses and children are tormented by all these mistakes, and most importantly, how they themselves suffer pangs of conscience. No normal person will argue that marriage should be created once in a lifetime and that it is much better than going through trial, error and sin. Not a single person can simply cross out a negative experience from life, forget everything like a bad dream. Even after repentance and confession, the consequences of his sins will be with him. His former spouses will remain, children from previous marriages with whom it is necessary to communicate, as well as memories of past relationships and a habit of sin. So, it can no longer be "all is well." But this is a topic for a separate discussion.

Question : I divorced my husband: we were unbelievers, young. She got married a second time. Is true love possible in our marriage, because I have committed a great sin, or is it fornication, passion? Now I am a church person, I even work in the temple; my current husband rarely goes to church, but he believes in God.

Answer : Yes, the great tragedy of our people is the isolation from their spiritual roots. 70 years of atheistic captivity has done its dark deed, and the consequences of this godlessness will affect us and our descendants for a long time to come. Most people came to the Church after going through a lot, making a lot of mistakes and sins. But the Lord came to earth for this, to give hope to every person. And Christianity is a religion of resurrection; the main task of our faith is the resurrection of the human soul. How is it carried out? Through baptism and repentance. Russia, of course, has already been baptized, and we have more than 80% of those baptized, but repentance, confession, the holy fathers call the second baptism, only not with water, but with tears. Many, repenting of great sins, ask: “Will God forgive me or not?” This question arises from a misunderstanding of repentance. As if there is some offended Divine dignity, which is waiting for satisfaction and punishment for the criminal. God is all-perfect Love, He forgave us all a long time ago, taking our sins upon Himself and sacrificing Himself for us. But He is waiting for our personal repentance, and we need: firstly, to admit that we are sick, and, secondly, to embark on the path of correction - for our own good. If we don’t repent, we won’t improve, but God wants our salvation. After repentance, there is a lot of work to be done on yourself, on your mistakes, and, of course, it will not be easy. The greater the sin, the greater its destructive consequences for us and the people around us. Sin is a spiritual disease. Diseases have different degrees of severity and forms. There is a runny nose, it is treated quickly, but there is tuberculosis, it is treated for a long time, it is not easy and the consequences remain. Fornication, adultery, the destruction of the family are diseases that many modern people suffer from. Sins are serious, and they are not easily treated. The Church, healing the illnesses of the soul, appoints penitential penance after confession, depending on the gravity of the sin. Of course, the terms of penance, which are given in church canons, are not applicable in modern Russian reality, therefore penances are given by confessors according to their strength, based on the specific situation, the capabilities of the penitent and the degree of his churchness. I'll give you an example. Most of the women in our country have had abortions. For an abortion, according to the 2nd canon rule of St. Basil the Great, it is necessary to excommunicate for 10 years. Can you imagine what will happen if we excommunicate all these women for such a period? But many of them had more than one abortion. After such a ban, some will never come to church again, so penances are now given as much as possible - because of the weakness and lack of churchness of our people.

Of course, Holy Scripture tells us about monogamy. And the Lord indicates only one reason for divorce - adultery of one of the spouses (see: Matt. 19: 9). According to church rules, if a marriage broke up due to adultery, the injured party was allowed to enter into another marriage. Also, remarriage was allowed due to widowhood. Now the Church condescends to the weakness of the people, due to the above reasons. Here is what is said in the Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church, a document adopted at the Council of Bishops in 2000: “The Church does not at all encourage second marriage. However, after a legal ecclesiastical divorce, according to canon law, a second marriage is permitted to the innocent spouse. Persons whose first marriage broke up was dissolved through their fault, entering into a second marriage is allowed only on condition of repentance and the fulfillment of the penance imposed in accordance with canonical rules.

You ask whether your second marriage is fornication, passion, or is it still a marriage and love is possible in it. Of course, your union is not fornication, it is a legal marriage, although not the first one. In the rite of the wedding of the second marriage, even if widowers are married, repentant motives are very clearly traced, and the wedding takes place without crowns, as a sign that the spouses are no longer virgins and are remarrying. The Church has always treated the second marriage as an acceptable infirmity.

Now about love. Of course, love is possible in your marriage. The commandment to love is central to the New Testament. And if it so happened that people entered into a second marriage, they also have the opportunity to love and be loved.

I would like to talk a little about the difficulties and even the dangers of remarriage. Yes, repentance cleanses our sins, and the Lord in His mercy forgives them, but we have already said that very painful consequences inevitably remain.

You can often hear the stories of movie and pop stars and all kinds of public people about how happy they are in their fourth or fifth marriage, how they get along well with their ex-wives and husbands. And many people get the impression that everything is very easy and simple: no luck in the first marriage - it doesn’t matter, you can try again, and finally “my attempt No. 5” will bring happiness. Of course, the real life of stars is a secret for us, but something is still known about them. It is known, for example, that there are simply no more unhappy people in family life than artists, singers and poets. In this community, a close-knit family and love for life is a rare exception. Can we trust their revelations? I remember the story of the actor Stanislav Sadalsky. He once said something like this: “Sometimes it’s funny for me to hear the stories of my acquaintances of artists about what a wonderful family they have and how they love each other. After all, I know that there are such horns on each side that they no longer go through the door. And it happens the other way around: in an interview, the stars share the details of “terrible” family scandals specifically in order to “promote themselves”, create additional advertising for themselves, and draw attention to their person. Where there is real life, and where is another feature film, it can be difficult to understand. Creative people in general are not easy people. I had occasion to confess professional artists, poets: these are special people. Their working tool is the nervous system. They themselves admitted that often in ordinary, real life they cannot disconnect from their playing on stage, live their roles, images, and continue to play them in life. This is their big problem.

A family psychologist with 20 years of experience, Irina Anatolyevna Rakhimova, once told me that, unfortunately, as a rule, everything is shallow with artists. They usually easily relate to mutual betrayals. But they do not have deep feelings, strong love. For some time they sincerely believe that they love, that they are happy, and then, when emotions cool down, they easily part. In addition, it is possible to judge whether the marriage was successful or not only after a long period of time.

But let's go down from the star Olympus to the earth. But what about us ordinary people? Let me give you a few examples that show that past sins and mistakes of youth can greatly interfere with family life. Middle-aged spouses from the Moscow region came to my temple. Good, friendly family; It is clear that they love each other. But this is the second marriage of the husband, from the first marriage there is a son. And this man repeatedly told me that when he has to meet with his ex-wife on business, he has strong fornication thoughts and temptations, he begins to be very tormented by memories of their past life, and he can hardly cope with himself so as not to change the current one. wife. He cannot not communicate with his first wife, as he must see his son, and also help her with money.

Another friend of mine, let's call him Gennady, was married twice. Both marriages broke up, there are children from both wives. The children are still small, he is forced to communicate with them on the territory of their mothers. When he comes to them, he periodically has an intimate relationship with one or the other, despite the fact that Gena is a believer, a church person.

Alexander and Nadezhda cohabited for about a year, then got married, got married. Alexander had another woman before Nadia. Now the spouses go to the temple, regularly confess and take communion. But Nadezhda began to be tormented by fits of jealousy, she often reproaches Sasha with the fact that he had a mistress before her. Yes, and Alexander now often compares his wife with the "former" - unfortunately, not in favor of his wife.

And here is another example. A very young couple from the Vladimir region. They came to the Church already in marriage, before marriage they had bodily relations with each other, but did not live together. Before they met, they also led a life not too chaste. For several years now they have been leading the church life, often going to confession and communion. But the past life does not want to let go. At the wife at a meeting with former friends several times it came almost to fornication; thank God, she found the strength to stop in time. The husband, suspecting something was wrong, began to be jealous, conflicts and quarrels became more frequent in the family.

In addition to problems of a spiritual nature, other pitfalls can lie in wait for second-married couples.

For those who have not encountered the problem of remarriages, it may seem that a divorced person with “experience” will have much easier time in family life than a first-time marriage. Still would! A lot of baggage has been acquired, cones are full, and now there is every chance not to make a mistake in choosing and to build relationships in marriage correctly. Unfortunately, there are very few cases when people really learned from past mistakes and would not step on the same rake again. Why? People tend to see not their own mistakes, but to blame others for everything: “It's not my fault that our marriage broke up; I'm just unlucky; spouse (a) got (was) very unsuitable (th), but in the second or third marriage everything will be different. And in a new marriage, everything turns out exactly the same. For some time, the spouses live in perfect harmony, and then the option with the first marriage is repeated. Without admitting one's guilt in what happened, without a deep analysis of one's mistakes and one's behavior in general, there will be no normal relations in a new marriage.

One of my acquaintances, a female psychologist, strongly recommended that those who survived a breakup (by the way, not only in marriage) for some time - a year or more - not make new acquaintances, but start working on themselves, their spiritual growth, in order to understand: what prevents me from being happy in marriage what are the disadvantages? Why did our union fall apart? Only then there are chances for happiness in marriage. I must say that with such a correct approach, sometimes it is possible to restore a divorced marriage, and I am a witness to this. The advice “not to rush to create a new union” is also valuable because there is a very great temptation immediately after a divorce to start looking for new relationships. And most often nothing good comes of this: the hasty creation of a family is often done in spite of the first spouse, or a person seeks quick consolation in a new marriage, that is, he is guided not by love, but by some of his own selfish interests. Sometimes offended people want to increase their self-esteem by entering into a new marriage. The consequence of all this haste is an unfortunate choice and further family problems.

In any case, a new marriage does not always start from scratch, people with “experience” voluntarily or involuntarily bring into a new family those wrong attitudes, communication errors, false behaviors that interfered with them in their first marriage and contributed to its breakup. This is something to seriously think about.

In conclusion, I would like to say about the most important thing: what about people who did not save their first union and created a new family? You need to start, of course, with a confession, even if you are the injured party. Guilt in divorce is almost always mutual. In addition, not seeing your guilt, your mistakes, you will repeat them already in a new marriage. The second thing to do is to create “fruit worthy of repentance” (Matt. 3: 8), that is, try to live in such a way that in a new marriage you would not only not repeat old sins, but also constantly cultivate and strengthen your love and relationships . You must create a Christian family, focused on true love, patience, humility and mutual concessions. Of course, constant prayer to God with a request for help in family life and mutual prayer of spouses for each other is necessary.

The previously mentioned I.A. Rakhimova strongly advises people who have entered into a new marriage to pay special attention to the basic law of family life: to make another person happy. Do not look for consolations in a new marriage only for yourself and solve your own problems, but fulfill the commandment to love your neighbor.

And, of course, use the negative experience of a past life in order not to repeat previous mistakes in a new union. You can also advise to read more good books about family and marriage and constantly think about how to improve your family life. Marriage is not an easy thing, and even more so for second-marrieds.

Question : My husband left his first wife and married me, we are painted with him. His previous marriage was married, there was a child. Recently, we also had a son. It turns out that I broke the family. What do we do now? My husband and I have just started taking our first steps in the temple.

Answer: Of course, your husband committed a sin, and you - at least indirectly - are to blame for this. If your union was not a legal marriage, but simply cohabitation, I would definitely say that your husband needs to return to his former family, but you are legally married to him. And even if he leaves you now, returns to his first wife and tries to restore his previous marriage, it remains to be seen whether he will be able to revive the past family, and your new marriage with him will be destroyed in the process. I think that everything should be left as is. What happened, happened, you can’t return the past, you need to live in the present. What about in the present? You have a family, you have a son, he needs a father and mother who love him and love each other.

You are just beginning your journey in the Church. You need to start it with repentance: both you and your spouse need to confess and suffer penance from the priest for your sin. The sin is serious, and only a spiritual life according to the commandments, regular confession and communion can help you heal spiritual wounds.

Question : How to deal with prodigal thoughts and immodest views of the opposite sex, when in spring and summer most girls and women wear immodest, revealing clothes? It is very difficult to fight sinful thoughts and desires. And how to keep your eyesight at work if you are surrounded by beautiful young women?

Answer: Any sin - and fornication, and drunkenness and anger - begins with the acceptance of a thought, a thought about it. For example, a man went into a store to buy something, and his eyes fell on a display case with alcoholic beverages. And all of a sudden the thought: “Shouldn’t I get a bottle of fortified red to drink tonight? Better yet, two. If he coped with this thought, overcame it or got distracted, he did not commit a sin, but if he agreed with the thought and brought it to life, he committed the sin of drunkenness. It also happens with the thought of fornication. In the beginning, it appears (most often, through some kind of visual, visual image), then a person accepts it and commits mental fornication, and then real fornication or masturbation. In ascetic patristic literature, all this is very well and in detail described. Sinful thoughts are a common thing, most often they are instilled in us by the devil himself. The Holy Fathers teach us not to regard them as our blood property, not to be afraid of them, but also not to converse with them. The most important task is to learn how to cut off thoughts in time, when they only appear on the border of our consciousness.

Yes, indeed, it is difficult for a modern man, a modern Christian to keep his eyesight and mind clean. Difficult, but possible. Sin begins when we look at a person with lust, as the Gospel says: "... everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matt. 5:28), - when we abandon immodest, prodigal views. You have to be very careful with looks in general. If we have a weakness for the fair sex in our souls, we know this weakness, we need to try, being on the street, in the subway and in other public places, to “stare” less around. It’s generally impolite to look closely at people, and there’s certainly no benefit from this. One girl I know said that her favorite activity in public transport is to look at passengers: how they are dressed, what their faces are, what they might be thinking about at the moment. This activity is very useless. Why? You can immediately commit several sins: condemn a person by appearance or facial expression, envy or be tempted by the very prodigal thought. So it's better to say a prayer, read or listen to something in the headphones than to stare around.

If we know that we are very seduced by the female body, the first thing to do is not to fix our eyes on immodestly dressed women. So, the photographer is looking for something to photograph, but not everything is removed; if he does not need some object, he simply moves the camera. But if he aims and has already “clicked”, then this image has already remained with him, in his camera, and the photographer will then consider it. And we, ordinary people, therefore need to fix, “photograph” only what we need. If we fix our attention on women, then it is very easy to accept a prodigal thought, an image and start committing a mental sin with her. We need to notice less beautiful women around, not to cling to them with our eyes, to perceive this diversity of dresses and bodies as a kind of background, to look at the main thing, at what we really need.

Second moment. The sin is not in the look, but in the attitude. How do we perceive a woman: as a target for lust or as something neutral, not ours? Let me give you an analogy. Imagine that we are in Moscow, somewhere on Tverskaya street. Luxurious cars are all around: Audi, Mercedes, Land Cruisers; sometimes even a Bentley will flash by ... And we have a modest Zhiguli, or we generally go on foot. And now we have a choice: either fall into sin (envy, lust, condemnation), or simply not pay attention to all this auto-magnificence, or maybe even be happy for the owners of foreign cars. Yes, it's beautiful, prestigious, comfortable, but it's not mine and most likely never will be mine.

The same is true of women's views. This is especially true for married men. As folk wisdom says: "The devil puts a spoonful of honey in someone else's wife." For a married man, there should be only one woman - his wife; he should evaluate as a woman only her.

Now about the team. Here, too, you can protect yourself, even if we communicate with beautiful women every day. After all, a man myself gives himself permission: I’ll look at this one, but I won’t look at this one - it’s not mine. Only myself. Imagine that some young man has a beautiful sister, who at the same time does not dress very modestly. Or his mother is still young and beautiful. But after all, even if this young man does not adhere to strong moral principles, he still will not inflame them, commit mental fornication with them. He, of course, will struggle with these thoughts and desires in every possible way. After all, this is unthinkable, forbidden, this is my mother and sister! So you can fight? So we need to imagine that all the women who seduce us are our sisters and treat them in a kindred way, with respect, but without lust. To see in them not a seductive woman, but a person with whom one can communicate (of course, with caution), who can be helped if necessary, for example, at work, but no more. As St. Theophan the Recluse writes, when communicating with women, you need to learn to keep your heart on a leash and look at them “through the eyes of children who look at women purely, without bad thoughts.” I remember one well-known musician told how his attitude towards young admirers, fans attending his concerts, gradually changed. In his youth, they seduced him, he looked at them with lust, but over time, somewhere after 40 years, when his children had already grown up, he began to look at fans as his adult daughters, already without impure thoughts.