How to live with a disabled adult child. Sensitive subject

Mothers of special children admit that the very first years after it became known that their child is terminally ill, bring unbearable suffering. And here they really need psychological help. We continue our conversation with Elena Kozlova, a psychologist of the group of daytime adaptation of disabled children of the Orthodox Help Service "Mercy". See the first part of the conversation.

Mothers of special children admit that the very first years after it became known that your child is terminally ill, bring unbearable suffering. The result of such experiences is prolonged depression, nervous breakdowns. We continue a series of meetings with the psychologist of the psychological assistance service for parents of special children in the group of daytime adaptation of disabled children (project) Elena Kozlova.

- Elena, how can the state of mind of the parents of special children be alleviated?

- To begin with, the diagnoses of children, of course, often cause deviations in the mental health of their mothers. It is not necessary with admiration to constantly say to such a mother, shaking her head: "Oh, how strong you are." She's not strong, it's just that many parents have learned to hide their suffering. And you need to somehow move away from them, stop suffering. And this is where help is needed.

The birth of a baby with an incurable disease is a great grief for a parent. When the pregnancy is carrying on and the parents are expecting the birth of this child, they, of course, are waiting for the birth of an ordinary, normal baby. And then, when it becomes clear that the child is sick, the whole world collapses. The main help for a woman-mother at this moment is to go through this grief with her and move as gently as possible to the most vulnerable moment: to say goodbye to the dream of a healthy child. Yes, he is sick, but this does not mean that he will suffer all his life, because he has you, you will have many victories, joys, achievements, but others, because life is different. It is necessary for a woman to realize this internally, to accept this thought. Then her life tasks will simply change, and she will continue to live quite fully. There is no need to make a pathological run in a circle with exhausting thoughts: “Who is to blame? How to live further? My unfortunate baby. "

- As far as I know, even when inner awareness and understanding comes, it is hard for mothers to come to terms. This is truly a constant grief that you just learn to hide over the years. And how to make it so that you can get away from inner pain and rejoice from your soul, so that a person perks up?

- Because the awareness of what happened to the child is different. Many take the victim position: “Everything. I'm not there. There is only my unfortunate child, I will live his life, I am doomed to suffer with him. " And this is the worst thing that can happen. The woman quickly "de-energizes", she has no strength left for anything. There comes a state in which depression is not the worst option, since it can be dealt with by psychological methods, prayer, faith, talking with a priest.

And much more severe cases can occur when a woman simply falls into an inadequate state. But she needs to deal with a child who feels and understands everything.

Recently I had to provide urgent psychological assistance to a woman raising a difficult child. The situation in the family is really not easy: the mother needs to work, since there is another older child, the husband has abandoned and does not help, and literally cannot leave the sick child. And she was so exhausted that she beat the eldest child for a minor offense, broke the girl's nose. This mother is a person cornered by a monstrous life situation. She needs to be rescued, as EMERCOM employees rescue, who fell under the rubble. In such cases, help is recommended, primarily psychological.

- How is this help expressed?

- The first thing that a psychologist should say: “I’m ready to support you, come”. And then everything depends on the woman herself, her temperament and character.

In fact, to listen to such moms and not to overhear them, they really need to be told about what most often they say to themselves, in tears, into a pillow, and more often they are simply silent, eating themselves from the inside. Speaking is already a relief. When you speak your pain to one person, it will feel a little easier for you. If you say the same thing either several times to the same person, or to different people, the condition is greatly facilitated. This, in fact, is the help in situations when people find themselves in emergencies, disasters ... For a person who has experienced stress, communication with people who find themselves in a similar situation means a lot.

- Everything is very individual and further work is planned depending on the specific situation. Typically, the need for some psychological therapy is clarified through conversation. Someone needs to be pitied, but someone is unpleasant to pity, he becomes even more embittered by it. And you need to shout at someone, and then he will have a kind of sobering up. Others need to sit silently at first, and then questions and words will be superfluous. Someone needs to be hugged, and there is no one nearby who can do it. Sometimes this kind of support is therapeutic. A woman needs to become aware of her feelings, to stop in an endless run. Just sit, take your time, listen to music, listen to yourself. It is necessary to teach a woman methods of relaxation, psychological self-help.

- When do you think a turning point can come, at which a woman still begins to live a full life with a sick child and already perceives it adequately?

- This will happen when full acceptance of the situation comes. I would call it a kind of insight. Life goes on, it does not take everything away, this mother will definitely have many wonderful moments, smiles and even happiness. One mother told me how she and her son, suffering from cerebral palsy in a severe form, once stood by the sandbox where the kids were swarming. Children ran around Sasha, he was sitting in a stroller, and the thought sounded in my mother's head: "Your child will never run like that." And this she took not as a sentence: lie down and die. She just realized that she had to live differently. Anya said to herself: "Stop, stop running, stop driving yourself, torturing Sasha, let's live with him as he is."

- You say it was quite a long time ago. How is this mom's life going now?

- Sasha is now 17 years old. He had a healthy little sister who loves him very much. There are difficulties, but in general, psychologically, this is a healthy family. By the way, mothers often tell me that they are afraid of having a second child. This is another marker of the "underdevelopment" of psychological trauma.

- How can one really cross this threshold? How to calm down a woman, adjust to the continuation of the family?

- It is difficult to explain it in words. This comes during personal communication, different psychologists have their own methods of work. I have my own contact with every woman. In general, we need to convey that we are all kept by the understanding that we live for someone, and the birth of children proves this.

- What could you advise our mothers now, at the end of our conversation?

- Do not become isolated in your problems, seek help, and not only psychological. Be sure to turn to the priests, to the faith. The ideal option is when, after a conversation with a psychologist, a competent priest conducts a conversation with mothers. In our service of psychological assistance for parents, functioning under the group of daytime adaptation of children with disabilities, such meetings are definitely planned. You can sign up for group consultations, which will begin in September, right now by calling 8-916-422-04-73.

The day care group for children with disabilities is funded by donations. You can support this project by becoming. If you want to help disabled children, we are waiting for you every Sunday at 11.45 at the address: Moscow, Leninsky prospect, 8, building 12, (metro> - ring).).

I am the mother of a disabled child. My son is 5.5 years old. He is a deeply disabled person. Does not sit, does not hold his head, intellect is not preserved (does not follow, does not recognize, does not walk, etc.).

How did it happen...

I gave birth in a Russian maternity hospital in a provincial town. Looking at the night. To speed up the process, they put me on an oxytocin drip. Late in the evening, the doctor looked at me, made sure that the cervix was not open and increased the dose of oxytocin. And she said to squat down and push. And I was pushing. I was physically very well prepared. She was pushing well (confirmation - rectal prolapse).

And after midnight, a doctor came to the hall, waved his hand at me so that I would take a barbell with a dropper in my hands and go to the hospital. In the generic, on the table, at first, they were crushed with towels (towels were placed on the stomach and two were hanging from both sides).

When the child did not come out even after the towels, the doctor applied forceps. Twice. After crushing the skull and breaking the baby's neck in 2 places.

3300g, 57 cm.

And for 5 days my son lay without the help of specialists in the city maternity hospital. And only after 5 days he was sent to the intensive care unit at the regional hospital. By the way, we were lucky, then, when we were in the children's ward, I learned from other mothers that there is a queue to the intensive care unit and many are waiting for their turn so that the child can be taken to the intensive care unit. Although, perhaps, it was because of this line that we were sent so late.

When they took my son to the region, for the first time they gave me to hold him (thanks to the neonatologist, a young girl, she said: “Hold it in your hands, you never held him”) And all 10 minutes, while the doctors were filling out the documents, I held small package. And she even kissed him on the naked, warm, capless crown, peeking out of the blanket.

Did I understand what awaits us?

Yes, I did. When the tomography was done, the doctor immediately said directly that the brain was dead and the son would be a vegetable. So she said, a vegetable. To my question, what can be done, the doctor began to raise her voice: "I told you that your child is a vegetable, he will never be a man." Lucidly.

Did I want it to be over?

Yes. I wanted to. And she didn't just want to. I was thinking how to do it.

The opportunity to ask the nurse to give an injection was gone right away, I understood that she would not go for it.

Did I want to send my son to a boarding school? Yes. I wanted to. My mother, whom I called and said what had happened, said right away, hand over to the boarding school. And I even went to look for the manager to ask how and what to do. Fortunately, in hospitals, doctors on duty leave early and the head of the hospital was not there. And then I returned to the ward, looked at my son and realized - I can't. I cannot give it away. I knew what awaits him at the boarding school.

So I thought about suicide. From the 12th floor. First the son, then me. I remembered where we have the tallest houses in the city.

Why.

In the maternity hospital, the manager of course understood what was wrong with my son, and understood that the bruise on the pollitsa on him was only half, the second half of the hemorrhage went to the brain. And the son began to drip blood thickening drugs.

This is how my son developed blood clots in the vena cava. By halving the blood flow, they caused the need to drip drugs that now thin the blood and reduce its clotting.

Newborns and babies are very difficult to administer IVs. The largest veins are on the bald heads.

When a catheter is placed in babies, then the mother is not present (this is later, after six months, when the baby must be held firmly, then a mother is needed). You bring the bag into the nurse's procedure and go out into the corridor.

Small children do not scream in pain. They screech. Like pigs. And this sound blows up the brain. And when on the corridor you hear this screeching from pain, only one thought “Lord, for what? Why does the little child suffer? " And you pray that it will end sooner.

When the veins on the head end, they are inserted into the arms, into the bend of the elbow and the outer side of the palm. And it hurts just as much.

My son ran out of all the veins that could be injected and the nurse, who had worked in the neonatal unit all her life, could not do anything, and I began to carry my son to the intensive care unit, to their nurses. They know how to get into the veins that are not visible under the skin. Thanks to them, they did not poke their hands and heads for 20 minutes in search of a vein. One injection and the catheter is worth it.

The last catheter was placed right in the middle of the forehead, just below the hairline. When I found out about the state of the brain, I asked to remove the catheter and not to inject anything else. So, having learned the diagnosis, the torment of my son stopped.

My son screamed constantly. In the maternity hospital and intensive care unit, he was injected with antibiotics so that the dead brain would not cause an infection. When they injected drugs against blood clots, he had a headache. And he was constantly screaming.

And when the last catheter was removed, I took my son out of the incubator and put him on the bed next to me. And we fell asleep. For the first time, my son slept for 4 hours in a row.

And then I realized that if I kill my son, then all his suffering, it turns out, in vain. All this pain, all this suffering is all in vain. And I realized that there would be no suicide.

We live.

When my son was 3 months old, we (already at home, in a city hospital) were injected with autovegin (this is with such a brain damage). And epilepsy appeared. Attempts to pick up anticonvulsants have failed. Only the side effects were collected. And they gave us a drug-resistant form of epilepsy (that is, not amenable to drug treatment). Doctors don't see us as perspective.

Over the years, we have traveled a lot both in Russia and abroad. Different techniques, different procedures, and nothing.

We don't go now. Expensive, hard and no one promises the result. More precisely, they refuse after seeing our medical documents, and especially uncropped epilepsy.

Litmus.

My relatives separated from me. The fact that my brother got married for the first time, I learned by chance, a year and a half later. The husband's parents live 70 meters away from us, but the mother-in-law came to us the only time when the son was 5 months old. I drank tea, stared at my grandson and never came to our house again. The father-in-law did not come at all. When I asked for help, they refused to help.

Friends also dissolve. Most of all, people helped me, on whose help I could not even count. There are only two friends left. But the real ones.

The only one.

My son is the man who turned my life around. I never thought that mother's love could be like this. That you can not love for new skills, good grades or behavior. And just love. One day my husband fiddled with his little son, he felt cheeky and he began to laugh. And I roared and left so that my husband would not see tears. No one, except people like me, will cry with happiness when they hear the laugh of a child, even if it is tickling. Nobody, except people like me, will understand how great it is when nothing hurts a child.

I love him endlessly, despite the fact that you need to get up several times a night and turn over on the other side, that he wakes up early, that he has to feed by the hour, that he requires constant attention.

My son is loved, treated kindly, well-groomed. He does not feel pain, he smiles at something of his own.

And they want to kill my only son.
Because they consider it humane.

They say it will be better this way.

To me. Let them go to the memory boards on the websites of parents of disabled children. Let them find out how the parents felt better after their children died. Not easier. And not in a year or two.

Or better for a son. Then everything is in vain, all the pain, all the suffering. And there will be no more chance. A chance to live.

You will give birth to a second, healthy one.

I will not give birth. Thanks to the doctor who delivered and sewed me up. And take a receptionist, no way. There is no way to take him to a doctor, to a kindergarten, to school, not to walk with him on the street, not to go to the hospital with him, not to take him to a sanatorium. "The child is on his own." Because the son is at home. And you will not leave him alone. I can't even get a simple dog - there is no opportunity to walk with it 2 times a day.

Disabled people poison our lives.

Do not poison. They simply cannot be seen. Once our pediatrician said that there is a disabled person in every house, and in some of them and in every entrance. And then I got to a meeting with officials and found out the number of disabled children in the city. And children, growing up, become simply disabled, so the number is only growing. It turned out yes, in every 5th and 9th floor there is a lying disabled person. And then I found out that in our entrance, one floor below, there is an adult recumbent man.

Are there many wheelchairs on the street?

I don't have them. Not at all. And the point is not that, for example, I cannot lower a stroller with a child and lift it back to the 5th floor in the absence of an elevator. Even residents of the first floors do not go for a walk. Therefore, the disabled seem to be there, but they are not.

This is because in our country the attitude towards disabled people is twofold. Those who are good or indifferent very rarely try to contact. But people with a negative attitude will never miss a wheelchair with a disabled person. Never. After such a scar remains in the soul. And these scars do not heal, there are more and more people who will not fail to say that there is no place for disabled people in the world.

Therefore, for more than years I have not taken my son out for walks. In winter, he sleeps on the balcony during the day. And that's all. And it's not that my love is not enough to take all the attacks. I am offended for my son, evil words hurt my soul, then I cry. 5 years have passed, and I'm still crying. It's impossible to get used to it. And it poisons health. And my son directly depends on me. Therefore, I take care of myself no less than my son. For him.

And I hardly let anyone into my soul. Only those who understand and accept will remain silent. On the other hand, those who hate will not miss the opportunity to put aside the negative accumulated in their souls into my soul. I am like an animal that has been beaten a lot, and now I grin at any attempt to raise a hand against me, even if they want to stroke it. Therefore, the name of my son in the text I replaced with the faceless “son” and “he”. In order not to stomp on my soul.

We pay taxes to support the freaks.

I would go to work, those who were on maternity leave will understand me, I have a child of the state of a newborn for more than 5 years, I really want to go to work, but there are no kindergartens that would accept such children. I can’t work, not because I don’t want to. Because there is no one to leave my son with.

We want to make it easier for you.

No. You do not want. Most want to get rid of the "burden" those who are afraid that someday he will have to be in the place of the nurse. Those who sit directly are not afraid. But sisters, mothers, mother-in-law, yes, tearing nerves and the Internet. Because while the disabled person is alive, there is a ghostly likelihood of being bedridden. I have not met a single relative who would care for a disabled person and advocate for his euthanasia. Because you cannot be afraid of what has already happened.

Natural selection.

For all the time in hospitals and rehabilitation centers, I have not seen a single disabled person whose parents would be drunks or drug addicts. They give birth, but not disabled people. Healthy children later become victims of the lifestyle of their parents, but these are social and not physical disabled.

This is not the place in the future.

It is not disabled children who will rape children, kill, rob, take away their mother's pension. And quite healthy and complete. Stoned people sitting in playgrounds, drug addicts filling the entrances with syringes are all grown up healthy children. For some reason, no one calls for these people to be put to sleep. Well, let them not work. Let them hunt for robbery. But they are physically healthy. In the future, this is the only place. But disabled people interfere with life.

You have no chance.

When a child is born, no one, NOBODY can say what will grow out of it. We have forecasters with the most sophisticated equipment for a week, they cannot guess the weather, but to predict a person's life for life, please, all and sundry. Nostradamus and Wangi.

The brain is poorly understood.

Not a single doctor can explain why a person with a quarter of the skull missing in general can be absolutely full-fledged, and a person will lead a vegetative lifestyle for an exemplary brain tomogram. Doctors themselves say that the brain has been studied less than other organs. And the higher the qualifications of the doctor, the less they give predictions.

Children with disabilities are the most cheerful of children.

Those who work with such children will confirm. They are always smiling, they are always happy; they do not know what envy, anger, hatred are. They accept life as it is. They don't need to prove anything to anyone. They just live and rejoice. They rejoice at everything - both the sun and the rain, and mother and ordinary passer-by. Or they just smile at something of their own.

Nobody knows how these children feel from the inside. Only the children themselves. Those who can talk, they rejoice every day. Those who cannot speak are silent, but no one has the right to decide for them that they feel bad. When they cry badly. And not disabled people cry either. And non-disabled people get sick and suffer - cancer, leukemia, BWD and so on. For some reason, this suffering does not cause calls to make life easier by euthanasia.

Here is a video of a Peruvian girl. She has no limbs. But she always smiles. Is always. She is very cheerful. But they would have done euthanasia in infancy, and there would be less one cheerful and smiling child on Earth:

Mother of a Special Son

This letter was written to me by the mother of the Special Son, whom I have never seen in real life, but I love very much and my soul is with her. She asked not to name her nickname in LJ. And for the messy dirt I will mercilessly BAN and do not even be offended.

Many will say that the child, when he gets older, wants to die. But an adult will already have a choice and an opportunity to do it. Only, in the overwhelming majority, I WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING.

For those who wanted to transfer money to their family:

We need money, very much.

there are children who need money more than we do. My son has me and has a husband. therefore, while we are alive, our son will have everything he needs. And there are children who do not have parents, they live in boarding schools. They need money more than we do. There are many orphanages in our region that need everything - from medicines and diapers to shoes and clothes. And this is all over the country. They even ask for pictures, to close the holes in the walls. For disabled people the norm is 3 diapers per day. This is negligible. And I can't imagine how the nannies get out, probably in any way.

And medicines. It's scary when a child has a headache and there is no pain reliever in the orphanage. Or plain aspirin.

If people want to help, let them call the orphanage, ask what they need and bring it. Especially if these are provincial orphanages.

There are many children who need help. And many don't have parents. And helping them is the least we can do for them. Small for us, but often the greatest that they have.

Marina Yaroslavtseva: You see, they want to help YOU

My son really only needs love, his pension is enough for his food.

so I will give all the money to the orphanage anyway. there is no point in spending money on transfers, let them help the orphans right away.

Good evening everyone! There is no more strength. I don't even know where to start. I am an orphan, there is no one on this earth. I was married for the first time, I have a beautiful daughter for 14 years, my husband and I parted, and then it all began. I got married a second time, but I didn't want children anymore, my husband is 8 years younger, there are no children and he really wanted a child, that's understandable, in general they made up their minds. On the ultrasound, they said a boy, I got sick, I never wanted to have a son, but I tried to persuade myself that if only I was healthy and I’ll get used to it, the pregnancy went well, the child was born and everything was not bad until I realized that something was wrong with the child, in general, the child is disabled, he has autism. The earth has gone from under my feet, who knows what it is, he will understand me. I’m with this crazy child for days, I cannot accept him, God forgive me, but this is hell, there is no one to help, the child screams for days, God, how tired I am, my husband plows like a damn I don’t see it for days, but this child is screaming, running, but what to say is sick in the head, I can’t give it up, my husband is against it, he doesn’t believe until the end that his son is sick, but I endure and quietly hate, I hate myself, I hate the child, I hate the whole world, I made a decision, I don’t want to live like that, I don’t want to live at all, I don’t want anything else, this wild oh for days, I can’t, I want silence, just silence, I want where it will be quiet.
Support the site:

Ekaterina, age: 35 / 11/17/2017

Feedback:

YOU are just tired, both mentally and physically. You yourself need help, perhaps medical. Maybe borrow a baby sitter? This will give you the opportunity to relax, go somewhere, change the environment.

Hope, age: 58 / 11/18/2017

Dear Kate!
It's really hard for you right now.
I want to tell you about the Robertson family, they have a son, he was diagnosed with autism. If you have time, read about them on the Internet. I am sure that this will give you the strength to fight.
Do not despair, all small children are noisy, just yours in particular.
I am sure that you have a wonderful husband, besides, you have a daughter who undoubtedly loves you, this is also your support.
God gave you this test, just you, because only you are able to save this boy.
I am sure that you will cope, you and your family will be able to overcome everything. After this test, all the troubles will seem like trifles to you.
I believe in you. Everything will be fine with you very soon.
If you want to communicate in person, write. I will always be glad to hear from you.
Strength to you!

Almshouse, age: 20 / 11/18/2017

Hello. Katyusha, dear, hold on! It's very difficult for you, it's hard, but the boy is not to blame for his illness! It's nobody's fault. In fact, children with such a diagnosis are not crazy, but simply live in their own little world. I'm sure you will love your son. And now fatigue and constant tension speaks in you. We must take a break, take a break. Let the husband take a vacation, invite the grandparents to sit with the baby. Relax yourself, change the environment. Brace yourself. Strength to you.

Irina, age: 29 / 18.11.2017

I'd like to support you, Ekaterina. A child's illness is a great grief ... do not reproach yourself for thinking in relation to him, this is really an ordeal. But think about the boy too ... He came into this world helpless, even more vulnerable than other babies. He is completely dependent on you and only a mother can help her child ... Do not leave him, study more information about autism, this is a serious illness, but not the worst ailment, you will definitely cope with your son. You are not alone, your family is with you. Remember this. I don't even know what else to say ... Believe me, everything will work out. I really, really want to support. Don't give up.

Mimosa, age: 22/19/2017

Hello Ekaterina. And who was diagnosed with such a child - autism? Why did you decide it was autism? For example, a child may have hyperactivity if the child was born with any neurological problems. See a neurologist. Your child will be examined and even then you will probably understand what is wrong with him. And then it's a boy, not a girl. Girls are calmer, more obedient, a boy is something completely different. Try to keep him busy. Let's solve some puzzles for him. There are also toys of this type. All kinds of mosaics, etc. So there will be silence for you, at least for a while, and the child will benefit from it.

Eleanor, age: 30/11/19/2017

Katya, in addition to rest, you really, really need help and support. And you also need to speak out. It turns out a vicious circle: the child screams - you are nervous, angry - as a result, the child screams even more.
There are such Coda convalescence groups, 12 steps. This is for codependents. In big cities there are even several live bands, check the schedule on the Internet. And on skype there are groups. There is also a parallel community Al-Anon - for relatives and friends of alcoholics, if there are such problems, you can go there too. Everything is free. The meeting usually lasts 1 hour. Please go, everything will change for the better, I promise. And the child will be much calmer. I hug.

Tatyana, age: *** / 20.11.2017

It cannot be autistic. Children with autism themselves suffer from noise and other adverse external influences, are quiet and withdrawn. Most likely, your child is hyperactive, which means he suffers from a high level of anxiety, which causes restless legs and frequent crying. It seems that the child has an early organic violation of the central nervous system and only on your love and patience it depends on whether it is compensated over time or will develop into some difficult form of neurosis and even mental illness. Such a child does not need to be "brought up" you just need to love and set an example of a calm attitude to life in general and problems in particular. If you do not feel such patience in yourself, then it is better in an orphanage than by alienation and cruelty to lead him to fright and a nervous breakdown after which his inner hell will begin, which you will not wish on the enemy, and as a result, a serious addiction to alcohol and drugs. .. Think about it before it's too late! And right tomorrow, start treating him with constant, even, kind attitude. His anxiety could have arisen from your anxiety and now you do not need to continue it. I wish you to get out of postpartum depression as soon as possible, patience, even warm mood, wisdom.

Larisa, age: Doesn't matter / 11/26/2017

Dear Ekaterinv, pull yourself together, turn on your brain and reason sensibly.
You have a hard-working husband, an adult daughter. They are your helpers and support. You yourself are young and, I hope, healthy. And so they became limp.
Really small Autyatki scream a lot and terribly, they scream so that, it seems, you can go crazy from their screams. They shout at night too. These are autistic tantrums. Read about them on the Internet and you will understand your baby better. Gradually, with age, the number of tantrums and their strength will decrease, and by school they will become few or none at all. When autyatki are small, it is something creepy. And then - nothing, even cute and funny.
In case of tantrums, a contrast shower, a warm bath helps. And patience, you have to endure them.
Read about autism, study.
Good luck to you.

Lyudmila, age: 43/04/2018

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Hi BOS. I have titanic hopes on your advice, as everyone who has ever come across a desire to give me advice ends up shrugging their shoulders and making a helpless gesture (at best). Not that my story is short, I apologize in advance.

So, my life passes me by, and it does not seem so to me, but in fact. I am raising a disabled child who will never become independent, he is now 7 years old, and the first four years I was more or less coping. He was small, the situation did not seem so hopeless, and his father lived with us on the same living space - on mine, and this untied his hands. It was a ridiculous marriage precisely for the sake of creating a family and having a child, which I have always wanted very much. And also in order to erase from the life of an overly significant person with whom it did not work out. This is marriage and reproduction ... This was my first, and possibly the last serious relationship with a man. However, an attempt to coexist with a male individual failed miserably, which now, from the height of past years, seems obvious. This experience turned out to be categorically worthless.

Over time, from an editorial sleepover, I turned into a home freelancer; in general, I still manage to provide myself and my child with food (albeit no more). In addition, I received two higher educations and a master's degree, while there was such an opportunity, and in the process I met a girl whom I fell in love with (by the way, a real serious feeling came across me only for the second time in my life). Well, in general, some kind of development and some kind of vital activity took place. A rather useless husband was sent on a life-long cruise, cheating and lying are not my option, and the girl was not at all ready for the role of a full-fledged partner. She wants an easy and relaxed life, but she categorically refuses to part with me in order to have it. We have been dating for three years, and all these three years I have been sitting and waiting for her, from work, from courses, from cleaning the house, because my mother forces me to. She reports to her mother for every step, and her mother checks her with phone calls whenever she is not at home (it is forbidden to spend the night outside her own apartment, in which no one lives, she leaves in the morning on weekends to call her mother from there from her home. And she is not 16 years old, she is 26, and I’m in general already 30 years old). In fact, we do not spend a single full day together a month. Sometimes we go to shopping centers to buy something, but because of the behavior of our son during such trips, this seems to be almost in the past. There is no talk of any trips to the ballet, museum, theater or other entertainments. Shared life too, and since I am alone - well, what kind of life can a freelancer have? Although I am already a complete handshake in everyday life.

My parents and relatives are in another city and, in principle, turned everything, including my mother, my problems. As a result, I was swallowed up by complete depression and impotence, I cannot go to a psychotherapist - where am I going to give the child for this time? Household chores are running to the maximum, efforts are being invested in maintaining a constant flow of work orders, and they are not enough for anything else. 75% of my friends merged after my marriage (lesbian code), the remaining 24.9% - because I don't go anywhere, and it's inconvenient to visit me (I live on the outskirts). To look for new ones among brothers in misfortune is nin. I am enraged by all these mothers who are obsessed with their children, who teach me how to live and raise. I quit writing my Ph.D., I continue to learn only a foreign language, and I understand that in such a position I will never make my girlfriend happy and will not give her what she needs. And I have already consumed all her brains about the fact that she spends little time with me. And she has recently insisted on getting rid of a disabled child rather rudely. There is nowhere to shake it off, in our Mukhosransk there are no suitable institutions, either you rent it completely, or half a year minus a cold (and that is usually eight weeks out of ten times in a hundred years with a voucher), it is difficult to move and there is nothing - my housing belongs legally to relatives, she has nothing at all except a residence permit in her mother's apartment. Sesaaaid and hopelessness.

I know that I am to blame for everything myself, with my laziness and many others. But what to do next (even if I discipline myself), I have no idea.

Anonymous

Our advice: You talk about hopelessness and your laziness, but judging by your letter, you are a normal, strong person who perfectly understands what is happening to him. But what exactly is your question?

You described the situation in detail, and now, please, both for us and for yourself, very specifically formulate those questions, the answers to which you would like to find. Because "what to do next" is a too vague request, it is impossible to get a clear answer to it.

Anonymous: 1. How to overcome the sense of meaninglessness of what is happening or, in spite of it, continue to try to make your life more acceptable?

I am a low-energy person, one of those who are inspired for a short time, but rarely bring something to the end without a regular pendel. As a result, the very effect arises when everything rolls to-where-it is undesirable to name.

2. What is your attitude to the behavior and position of your partner? It hurts me, on the one hand, on the other - I understand it perfectly. Suddenly it is this relationship, where I feel depressed and inferior because of my position (and even more because of the frequent criticism of the girl) oppress my fortitude, not allowing me to gather?

3. The question is optional until custody caught me. How to stop living in the chaos of everyday life of clothes, garbage, bull-calves and unwashed dishes, saving time for work, caring for a child and rest, if there is no way to create an interior organizer at home? This case seems to be not so important, but more and more depressing, and in many aspects.

Our tip: Thank you. Now you have worked hard enough on the wording and, as often happens, the answers to your questions are hidden in them. Let's be brief and start from the end (question # 3). It is necessary to understand the surrounding everyday chaos and create the illusion of control in order to control your life at other levels. Therefore, before proceeding with the resolution of life (question number 1), force yourself (a little bit, but persistently), to put things in order (well, what bulls, honestly!), To throw out everything that you do not use (no, it will not come in handy ) and tell yourself that from now on you are not shitting, but are maintaining order so that later you do not have to clean up the rubble, but only do regular cleaning. This step in organizing your life will be the foundation in order to take control of your life into your own hands, and the foundation is very powerful.

Well, question number 2 is a classic answer to a question, it's great when you manage to make a person formulate a possible way out of the situation himself. In the first letter, you say that you cannot give anything to your girlfriend and you cannot while your affairs are in disarray, and she presses on you, causing only a feeling of guilt and forcing you to become more isolated and stagnant. Take a break from your relationship with no specific deadline. You still do not manage to spend a lot of time together and what remains is spent on sorting out the relationship. Explain to her that until you come to your senses, communication will not work. And there is no need to say that it is for her sake or for the sake of the relationship. It's just for you. And only when you feel that you have a resource for someone else, continue or enter into a new connection. Relationships cannot exist without a resource.

I really want to support you, but I'm afraid that everything that I will try to write, you have already heard more than once, and you hardly need it now.
Some time ago, here on Eve, one of the mothers posted a letter, I think it inspired many of us. It seems to be nothing special, everything is so clear and simple, but at the same time, the words are chosen so precisely and the feelings are described.
I do not know your story, perhaps not everything that is written in this letter will find a response in your heart and will be useful in your life situation, but maybe it is exactly what you are looking for now.
Here is the text:
"Power of nature.
It is the most powerful, strongest and most effective force. Try to ensure that your child's communication is continuous with nature. Spring is coming, new life is awakening, new forces of nature. Attach the child to them, let him be filled with them.
1. Put the swelling buds, the first flowers of the mother-and-stepmother, the first grass that hatches into the baby's hand. The main condition is that everything must be alive, and not torn off, broken off, destroyed. Let the baby be filled with the first born forces of mother earth.
2. Collect only the birch leaves that have hatched, still sticky and small (1 cm), in large quantities. For 1 session, you need one 5-7 liters. bucket. Before bedtime, sprinkle freshly torn leaves onto an oilcloth measuring 1.5 x 1.5 meters. Wrap the child, evenly distributing the leaves, insulate for 1.5 - 2 hours. Do this every day for a week. The result is encouraging.
3. Before planting seeds, let your child hold this bag. The seeds will absorb information about it. As they grow, they will absorb the necessary cosmic forces necessary to help your baby. Feed your baby grown from these seeds.
4. Juice the first plants: dandelion, nettle, rhubarb, birch sap, etc.
5. Walk a lot! The March-April sun and air are priceless! The best places for walking are groves, meadows, fields, gardens. The strongest energetically are virgin soil, cornfield, arable land, church garden. In the summer, being careful, put the child in grass, wheat, rye. Let him touch the plants around him.
6. Melt water at room temperature is ideal for pouring and hardening. It contains a lot of minerals.
7. Keys gushing out of the ground are a wonderful immunostimulant. For a few seconds, lower the child's feet into icy water, and then rub with your palms, massage each point of the foot. Perform the same procedure with the palms of the child.
8. Press the child against the trunk of oak, pine, cedar, birch. Imagine how your child's illness rises to the top of the tree with the force of spring juices. Through the crown of foliage, breaking the disease into millions of particles, the tree throws the disease into space. And then, the crown also absorbs millions of forces necessary for your baby and lowers them down the trunk. The child is filled with these forces.
9. If possible, never curtain the windows in your toddler's room. It is advisable that the bed is by the window. The child must see nature, the sky, space, the sun, the moon and the stars, and they are his.
10. Paraffin, wax, clay, mud and other gifts of nature are not difficult in their application, but they require supervision and calculation of a physician.
11. Broths, infusions of herbs, roots, home plants, etc., stimulating the development of the central nervous system, you can easily find in the spec. literature
12. Communication of a child with pets gives the strongest emotional impulse that excites and activates the cerebral cortex. Goats, sheep, shelter, horses have a powerful healing energy. To normalize the muscle tone, dip the sheep wool (you can use the boot of a felt boot) in boiling water with sea salt (2 tablespoons per 1 glass or 8 tablespoons without a slide per 1 liter of boiling water), cool by natural cooling to a temperature of 37-40 degrees, and put it like a compress on the place where the muscle tone is changed. The time of the compress depends on the age: 5 months - 5 minutes, 18 months. - 18 minutes, etc.
13. Teach your child to listen to nature. Its sounds have a beneficial effect on the entire nervous system as a whole. It is not difficult to buy them on disks and cassettes.
14. In educational games for pouring, shifting, reaching, etc., try to use natural material: cones, twigs, pebbles, leaves, vegetables, etc. Replace plasticine with wax. Draw with charcoal, sand. Sculpt from clay, make crafts, fantasize. Wheat, rye, cereals, peas are suitable for many games to develop fine motor skills.
15. The most important thing is not to break the nature of the child himself. If this afternoon he sleeps for 5 hours in a row, then the nervous system needs it, do not wake up. If the child doesn’t eat, don’t. Hunger is also curative. The body knows what it needs. Don't force.
I think the point is clear here. Search, fantasize, think, listen to your intuition and peer into the child. Everything will work out!
Strength of mind.
Strength of mind implies what we call abstract and inexplicable. In fact, these are our emotions, thoughts, feelings.
1. Faith. The Bible says: "According to your faith it will be given to you."
Believe it! There are miracles! My son got up and went after the seventh communion. I believed in God, prayed as best I could. My mother prayed. As the priest said: "Children are sick not" for what? ", But" why, for what? " Often - for our spiritual growth, purification, maturation.
During the first year and a half, my son and I underwent 8 inpatient courses of treatment, exhausting a string of specialists and far from disappointing diagnoses. We experienced a respiratory arrest, after which, in complete despair and fatigue, we left the city and came to the village to see my grandmother. Seeing my condition, my mother took everything into her own hands. She gave us strawberries (leaves and root) to drink, drove us out into the street for the whole day, introduced us to church, to communion.
A month later, I came to my senses, connected. I started doing the above. After 6 months of life in the village, the baby went.
Low bow to you, my dear mother, for patience, for faith, for love, for this little life and a great miracle. May God grant you health too.
2. Feelings. Up to 9 years old, the child and the mother are one. The mother's feelings are the basis for the child's growth. Let this soil be filled with kindness, love, warmth. Do not allow any negative, negative, weak feelings, emotions, thoughts. Do not litter the soil with nitrates and poisons.
3. Love. There are many legends about the power of maternal love. Love the child! Give him your love every second!
4. Communication. Communicate, do not withdraw into yourself. The world was not born yesterday, there are people - there is experience. You will definitely be helped, supported, advised.
And the last - the Power of Knowledge!
1. Learn to do the massage yourself, the first steps are desirable with the help of an instructor. The book by Nikita Yakushents "If your child is sick with cerebral palsy", Peter, 2004, was written very successfully and easily, understandably. There you will also find acupressure. Book as a textbook. Depending on the child's ability and level of development, you select the necessary exercises and massage elements. The author of the book is convinced that if the parents wish, there will be a victory.
2. Find out more information about the disease, and then it will become easier for you to understand what is happening, find ways to treat and help your child.
Books on spec. psychology, education and upbringing, speech therapy are quite fascinating and interesting. The main thing is not to be lazy, but to persistently go towards the goal. May God give you strength, patience, wisdom and health. "