Raising a daughter - what you need to remember

I recently spoke with a mother who has four children. Two older sons and two younger daughters. Mom complained specifically about her daughters. That I didn’t know any problems with my sons, but these girls... I asked what the difficulty was, the answer surprised me a little, although in some ways it didn’t surprise me at all.

“Here is the oldest one, 12 years old. She's a typical blonde. She doesn't need anything at all. Just all sorts of nonsense - dancing, singing, drawing. As if this is how you make money in life. Doesn't want to study. Doesn't want to go to school. Today I got up and said that I wouldn’t go anywhere because I hadn’t learned anything. And you see, absenteeism is better than a bad grade! Then she doesn’t go to school because she’s ugly today. She has nothing to wear. There is no mood. She doesn't want to go to college. Well, at least he cooks soups. I can’t imagine how she will live. I’m so tired of chasing her!”

I didn’t even bother asking about the youngest. And I thought about it. I thought about it because this is not the first time I’ve heard about such problems with girls. And because for me what I heard is not a problem. I would be glad that a woman is growing up, that she has the right values ​​inside, guidelines and passions. Although, that’s what I think now.

When I was in school and college, I laughed with the boys at blondes who couldn’t do anything themselves, didn’t understand anything. And it was very disappointing when later these same boys gave flowers to those same blondes and took them to the cinema, and I, all so smart, stayed at home without flowers. Once upon a time it seemed to me that I should be able to do everything myself, so that if something happens, I won’t get lost. Be able to provide for yourself. Know how to re-paste the wallpaper yourself. And even graduate from such a non-female university.

I remember myself like this from childhood - a special love for men's games and activities. Now I’m Robin Hood, now I’m a midshipman, now I’m Malchish-Kibalchish. I have never been a princess in games, I thought Cinderella was kind of strange, all the other princesses seemed boring. Here come the knights! Pirates!

My friends, of course, were boys. And this determined the occupation - Cossack robbers, war, battles. I lived most of my life as a boy. This has had a special impact on my life, my health, my relationships. And while I’m raising my boys, I’m increasingly asking myself the question: how to raise girls? I found many answers - in the sacred scriptures, in the lectures of Teachers, in communication with those who are good at raising girls. I will try to organize these postulates.

In fact, while putting it all together, I had a feeling that this was exactly the kind of childhood I would have wanted. And now I am reliving many of these points, re-cultivating the girl inside me. This seems to me to be an excellent indicator that the list is good and practical.

Raising a girl is a huge responsibility.

Let me start by saying that boys are easier to raise. For many reasons. Boys are born “empty”, and they need to be taught a lot, a lot needs to be invested in them (if we talk specifically about values ​​and relationships). It’s not so scary to make a mistake somewhere, if the boy has not yet grown up, there is still a lot that can be grown in him. It’s difficult if there is no man nearby. And if there is a man, and he is good, then this is enough.

It's different with girls. We are born already complete. Service, care, and love are already embedded in us with the fullest possible values ​​and principles. Again I remember the story of mommy from the beginning of this chapter, and again I am convinced of this. Therefore, the task of parents here to a greater extent is not to break things. Do no harm. Don't burn all the good things that are in it. Agree, the responsibility is huge. And the cost of error is higher. If you break something that you didn’t create, how do you fix it?

Girls are more sensitive, more vulnerable, more touchy. Therefore, any breakdown of emotions, any raising of the voice, any punishment can break her psyche. And make her either a real “robocop” or a constantly offended child.

Girl - princess

This has been said millions of times, but the root of the word "girl" is "deva" - it means divine. This is about the fullness with which the girl already comes into this world, and about the special test for the family with her arrival.

And if we take this to a more understandable level, every girl is a princess. Princesses are different. There are very gentle and hardworking ones, there are very creative and easy-going ones, there are also fighting princesses, but even they are princesses.

To see a divine spark in your girl, even if she is far from the classical understanding of a girl - she doesn’t sit still, fights with boys, doesn’t like to cook. You just came across a princess from a line of warriors. This is how it was destined for both of you. But even with such a character, she is a princess. Maybe she won't wear beautiful dresses and style her hair beautifully. Maybe she will be indifferent to crowns and jewelry. But you should still treat her like a princess. With respect, honor and admiration.

Confidence in your beauty. Dress up, pamper

99 percent of women consider themselves not very beautiful. Even those whom everyone else would consider beautiful. Because in our childhood we heard a lot of epithets about our crooked or bony legs, long or hooked nose, thin or too full lips and other parts of the body.

The biggest contribution to this is made by parents, or rather mothers. They are, of course, out of love. But it doesn't work out very well. Mom is trying to make her daughter beautiful in her understanding of beauty, but who said that her understanding is correct? And some mothers even unconsciously compete with their daughter, so they try in every possible way to explain to her that she is not very good.

Therefore, if in relation to your daughter you can prevent such negative assessments of appearance, this will already be a victory. And if you also constantly tell her how beautiful she is, how pretty her eyes, hair and everything else are, then your girl’s self-esteem will be much better.

I foresee indignation that she will become arrogant and proud, and that it is possible to over-praise her. Do you really think this is possible? Or is this how we convince ourselves that we have been praised enough to grow up to be normal people?

Dress up your princesses and pamper them. Let them play out their role as a princess in childhood so that they have a good foundation for further development.

Proper training - what will be useful

I feel like I talk about this all the time. But it's worth saying again. Teach the girl what will be useful to her in life. Don't force her to cram everything for an A in school, especially what she doesn't like. Rejoice equally in both C grades in chemistry and A grades in labor. Because not a single chemical formula and not a single physical law will be useful to her in life. And self-esteem can easily kill, just like nerve cells. Or set the wrong vector of development to please you.

And teach what no school teaches. How to be a woman, how to build relationships, how to cook that same borscht and bake pies, how to iron shirts, how to style your hair. This is something that will definitely be useful to her in life. What she definitely needs and is important. But where is this taught?

Again, if a girl is born already complete, filled with all the best, then our task is to preserve it all. Preserve her purity - both physical and moral. It’s not just premarital relationships that are scary for girls. There are other sad things - alcohol, smoking, drugs, slang. And besides, excessive attachments to money, gadgets, fashion, fast food, TV, consumption. There are many temptations in this world, and some seem not so terrible. Just ask yourself the question - is this benefiting my daughter? And isn’t her purity lost in this – whether physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual?

The most difficult thing about this place is that you need to start talking about it as early as possible. Because when the time comes, she will no longer be ready to listen to you. If from childhood she knows that she should have one man, that bed only after marriage, if this is the norm in her eyes as a child, then there is a greater chance that, as a teenager, she will make a choice in favor of cleanliness.

Values ​​are instilled from the cradle, especially in girls. Because they already have it all inside them, what you tell them will be close to her. She will love a fairy tale where the princess has only one prince for the rest of her life, and they live not always simply, but together. She will love the fairy tale about how an evil sorcerer wanted to deceive and steal the princess by stealing her kiss, but the princess refused and was saved. And so on. Always tell the girl how important cleanliness is. By your own example, by the example of cartoon characters, fairy tales, and books.

Respect her father

Although this point should have been put first, I decided to put it in the middle so as not to get eaten. I'm kidding, but every joke is only part of a joke. Indeed, every time I say that the father of children must be respected, I come across wild resistance from women. Especially those who are already divorced. The arguments vary, but usually he is this and that and there is nothing to respect.

Just think about what you are broadcasting to your daughter. Without even saying a word, just a grin can signal to her that men are nonentities. And she will definitely remember this for the rest of her life.

If you once chose this man to be the father of your daughter, bear responsibility for this. Remember only the good things that happened between you and tell your daughter about it. As often as possible. Encourage their communication, because for a girl, dad is the first romance. If he gives her a feeling of being needed and loved, it will be easier for her to live. If she feels his protection and support, it will be easier for her to build relationships with men.

And if he himself doesn’t do anything special, do it yourself. Tell her about how dad took care of her when she was a baby. How he bought her her first dress or her first shoes. How he bragged about her photographs to everyone. Like I once defended in kindergarten. Collect such valuable little things and tell, tell. Don't be possessive, don't divide the child, don't measure who did more and who did less. Your goal is to help her become happy, not to settle scores.

If dad is nearby and ready to show his daughter attention, help him. Invite him to give her flowers on holidays, like a real princess. Let them sometimes go to the cinema or theater together. Delegate to him the complete protection of your daughter - in any circumstances. Upbringing, training - all this is your task, and you need to spend more time with your daughter. And why not tell her a lot of good things about her father at that time? And it’s useful for you to train, and for her it’s like a balm for the soul.

And the best thing you can do is be happy next to her dad. So that her dad loves you, admires you, pays attention to you. The girl loves her dad very much, which means she strives to become the one he loves the most. If your husband loves you the most, then she will want to be like you.

Do not criticize, give feedback only when it is really necessary and very gently

Women are very vulnerable. From early childhood. Any careless word hurts. We often strive to “toughen” girls and prepare them for a difficult life. Therefore, it’s better that we start criticizing them and correcting them so that they get used to it. But what are we achieving with this?

A study was conducted. If a person started laughing at someone behind a woman's back, 90 out of 100 women took it personally and turned around to check. That is, we are so sensitive to criticism, so tense, that we perceive any words behind our backs as being said to us.

Don't criticize girls. Please. Remember how you gave up when you tried, washed the floor of the house, and your mother immediately pointed out the dirty corners. Remember how you don’t want to do anything after someone pokes your nose into a greasy dish, a mistake in a notebook, a crooked seam, or an incorrectly applied shadow.

In most cases, it is generally better to remain silent. The girl will probably see the curvature of her stitches herself. And if you point it out to her, she might stop sewing altogether. I had a wonderful labor teacher at school. This is probably why I am so afraid to sew. And even with a great desire and a beautiful car at home, I can’t start. Because for any mistake they slapped us on the wrist, saying “filthy hands!” And as punishment, they somehow forced the whole class to eat white sauce. Without anything. Simply because we didn’t think to bring a side dish for this sauce.

Where feedback is needed and important, try to do it very gently and delicately. Not directly. Maybe you should just give a hint and she will understand everything herself. Experiment to feel this edge.

There is no such thing as too much creativity

Feminine energy is closely related to creativity. If a girl does not do anything like that, sooner or later she will be overcome by apathy and depression. Creativity comes in different forms, and each girl chooses something for herself. In this moment. After some time, her tastes may change - and this is normal.

If she has stopped loving music lessons, do not stand over her with a whip. Give her a break from music - and maybe she will return to this hobby again. Let her try different things - dancing, singing, drawing, embroidery, knitting. Let her choose what is close to her. Let her start new things, let her give up old ones.

The main thing for a girl is to maintain her creative spirit. And not get a diploma from a music and art school, a rank in gymnastics and win in dancing. Let her be creative not for the sake of the result, but while enjoying the process. Do not expect usefulness, completeness, success or diplomas from these hobbies. And you will see how her eyes will sparkle with joy.

And as the girl grows, don’t make creativity a taboo. After all, what we easily allow children to do at the age of five to ten is already considered “a waste of time” and a “waste of time” at fifteen. Creativity for her will not necessarily become a profession. This will be her way of living through different situations, relieving stress, learning about the world and herself, and opening her heart. And not only this.

Protect her

Be sure to protect. From hooligans and unkind people. From those who undermine her self-confidence. From attacks at school, don’t expect her to sort it out on her own. So she will only withdraw into herself or learn to fight and survive. Do you need it? From the harmful influence of unknown people - it would be good to know with whom your daughter communicates and to whom she listens. From the unnecessary temptations of this world. From night walks alone. From the dirt that is enough in the world. From the excessive load on her psyche. From beatings and punishments, screams and insults. From huge expectations – yours, by the way. Because of excessive housework, she still has to spend the rest of her life washing, ironing and cooking. From excessive responsibility, especially for younger brothers and sisters. From your own negative emotions, with which you can easily break her. From your quarrels with your husband and daughter’s father. From your difficulties at work. From your unfulfilled dreams that you so want to realize at her expense.

If a girl grows up in an atmosphere of love and care, like in a greenhouse, it will be easier for her to build relationships in the future. She will be able to maintain her purity, vulnerability, naivety, modesty. Remember that women used to be protected all their lives - first by their father, then by their husband, then by their son. It was scary and stupid if a woman was suddenly left alone with everything that was happening around her. And the first stage - the stage of child protection - is one of the most important. It is basic, fundamental.

Praise just like that, not for actions

Let's return to the topic of praise. As I already said, a girl can and should be praised. As often as possible. But it is also very important to understand the difference - how to praise. We encourage boys to be active, so we praise them only for their actions. That is, not “you are so strong,” but “you helped dad so much with these heavy bags.” Or not “you are so caring”, but “you made such a cool bird feeder!” In this way, the boy sets himself up for a life full of important things.

If we do the same with a girl (and we usually do this), then the girl will begin to live in the model “you can’t just love me like that.” And she will begin to deserve love in different ways. This is convenient for parents - she will do a lot of things both at home and at school. But for the girl herself, it couldn’t be worse. She can never be satisfied with what is done. She will find it difficult to accept love and attention. She will sincerely believe that she should sleep with everyone who paid her bill at the cafe. And so on.

The girl just needs to be watered. Tell her about her qualities. Tell her that she is smart, beautiful, kind, affectionate, talented. Just. Not tied to results, activities, actions. So that it focuses not on actions, not on results, but on qualities and processes.

And hug her more often, envelop her with tenderness, touch with love!

Be a good example for her

And this point, as always, is the most important. It doesn't matter what you say, it matters what you do. If you talk about respect for men, but call your husband by his last name, she will learn exactly that - to treat men with condescension. If you talk about creativity, but you work in a job you don’t like, don’t take care of yourself and don’t have a hobby - it will absorb your model of attitude towards life. If you smoke, then what kind of cleanliness can we talk about for your daughter? And so on.

Children hear what we say, but they follow what they see. This is an excellent reason to start changing yourself in order to become the kind of woman you would like to see your daughter in twenty or thirty years.

And the most important thing here is to be happy. So that she understands why she needs all this. Why should she maintain her purity, why should she develop creativity, why should she build relationships. If she sees an example of a happy mother, this question does not arise. And if this happy mother is also adored by the best father in the world, then the girl has no other options. Her heart will strive along the path illuminated by you - and this is the best form of protection for a girl.

I have confidence that all this is important for every baby. The little one you hold by the hand, put to sleep in your arms, or the one with whom you now talk about life. And this is no less important for the little one inside you. She most likely missed something. And this means that you can adopt her - and love her and spoil her. Buy her Cinderella shoes, take her to dances, praise her a lot, recreate for her a good image of her father...

Healing your inner girl will be a great foundation for treating your daughter differently. Differently. With more attention, with more love. But children, by and large, don’t need anything else. published

Olga Valyaeva

Illustrations© Bill Gekas