What does a boy beat a girl mean. Child psychology from a to z

There is a problem…

In fact, you can't hit anyone. No girls, no boys, no adults, no animals. The exceptions are sports, which are based on fights according to the rules and without. Another exception is the practice of special services. However, the article is not about that. Therefore, we will immediately make a reservation: “beating girls” is not about catching a defenseless and innocent girl and starting to beat her. Of course, this is beyond good and evil, and therefore is not discussed. The conversation will focus on those cases when boys are faced with the physical aggression of girls. This can manifest itself in different ways: from simply taking toys away to crippling blows to the most vulnerable parts of the body.

There are more than enough examples of this. They can be easily learned from your own experience, or found on the Internet. Here are just a few cases that have been the subject of heated debate on the forums.

“The girl next door, 7.5 years old, kicked my (he will be 6) foot (shod) in the stomach. The son answered her by punching her in the stomach. Naturally, we are to blame, since she is a girl (and what is a head bigger and 2 times thicker and generally older - there should be more brains and a GIRL) - does not count. The son apologized, she did not. fado (http://foren.germany.ru/)

“There were two extremely aggressive sadistic girls in the garden. They bit, pinched their hands with doors, climbed with scissors, beat them with objects, broke things, a lot of things.” Dina (Juma) (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“I had a case in my childhood: I, a rude one and a half year old, beat the puny boy Vasya with felt boots “to bruises,” according to his grandmother.” lazicka()

“I remembered how one day a nephew came from the kindergarten and told how they had a girl in the group. without a market, he beats all the boys on the "bells". oleg1p (http://kinda-man.livejournal.com)

“My son is 11 years old. I recently learned from him that the girls in his class have come up with a new entertainment for themselves. In any conflict, even the smallest one, like not sharing a pen in class, beat the boys in the groin. And, not jokingly, but quite strongly. Kate (http://forum.detochka.ru/)

“Ours beat not only in the groin, but in general they like to play with a boy (especially one who does not raise his hand to them) in the game “How are we doing now”, they surround and well, pinch, push and when they disperse to beat.” Irina (http://forum.detochka.ru/)

“My son is 2 years old. One of our girlfriends (she is also 2 years old) started pinching and biting my boy. And since my mother forbade fighting (and you can’t beat girls at all), mine is roaring from resentment and pain. Usually everything happens like this, mine plays with some kind of toy, then a girl comes up and starts to take away, mine clings like a tick and does not give, then she starts to bite and pinch. Oksana (http://www.baby.ru/)

As you can see, there is indeed a problem. And it consists in double standards in relation to children of different sexes when it comes to physical aggression and the ability to resist it.

The voice of the people.

Analyzing the materials of the forums (male, female, mixed), as well as conducting many interviews on this topic, the author identified seven most typical answers to the question: “Can boys beat girls if they show physical aggression?” By the way, if you already have an answer to the question, do not rush to voice it. Read this article to the end. Or, if you are sure that your opinion is final and irrevocable, do not read at all.

So, seven typical opinions on this matter.

1 - No, never, and under no circumstances.

2 - No, except for the threat to life and health.

3 - No, although ... girls are different

4 - I do not know, I would like to understand this.

5 - Yes, depending on the circumstances.

6 - Yes, if other means are not effective.

7 - Yes, you can and should.

According to the law of normal distribution, theoretically, the answers should have been distributed approximately like this. However, nothing of the sort happened.

The preliminary plot of the Gaussian (the final version is not published until the completion of the study) was characterized by a clear shift to the lower extremum (the first two answers).

In fairness, it should be noted that the answers varied greatly depending on the cohort. On the part of the male audience, answers 5 and 6 were more common, accompanied by comments like: “I personally think that a brutalized human female can be cooled down with a drunkard.”

Before we return to the question “is it okay to hit girls” (the context is now clear), let's look at the problem from the point of view of evolutionary biology.

Just girls? Just boys?

It turns out that not everything is so simple. Nature is inherently not digital, but analog, with an endless variety of transitional forms from one state to another. Not surprisingly, this also applies to such seemingly familiar concepts as male and female. The Austrian philosopher and psychologist Otto Weininger explored this problem in depth in his Sex and Character (1902), a famous study that was far ahead of its time.

The red thread of the book is the idea of ​​the impossibility of establishing where in a person (regardless of gender) the masculine ends and the feminine begins. Weininger wrote:

“We are talking about thin, thin, flat, muscular, energetic, brilliant “women”, about “women” with short hair and a deep voice, we also talk about beardless, chatty “men”. We even acknowledge that there are "unfeminine women", "masculine women" and "unmasculine", "feminine" "men"...

Can it be that "women" and "men", representing two completely different groups, are within each group something uniform, coinciding in all points with all other representatives of this group. … Nowhere in nature do we observe such a sharp distinction. We see, for example, gradual transitions from metals to non-metals, from chemical compounds to mixtures, we also find intermediate forms between animals and plants, between clairvoyant and mycogamous, between mammals and birds ...

... Based on the above analogies, in this case we also recognize the assumption that nature has drawn a sharp line between all masculine creatures, on the one hand, and feminine creatures, on the other, is completely unbelievable.

There are also very confusing cases. So, some researchers, not without reason, believe that the famous Joan of Arc was a man with Morris syndrome. Immunity to testosterone manifested itself in a female appearance, in which an iron male character was hidden.

In his work, Weininger proves that each person carries the signs of both sexes. The author of "Sex and Character" confirms his point of view with numerous and very convincing examples of anatomical, physiological and psychological characters. Actually, behavior will be determined by what is more in a given person: typically masculine or typically feminine.

As can be seen from the figure, the transition of qualities within a person is analogous. In the body, dressed in a dress and decorated with bows, that other troglodyte can live. The body in shorts with suspenders often contains a thin, vulnerable soul. With the conventional approach, a pigtailed troglodyte can easily bully any boy without fear of getting back. And what, “she’s a girl”, whom you don’t dare to touch with your finger.

Let's get back to the forums.

“Girls should not be beaten under any circumstances. I say this to my own, even if she is at you with fists, you must step aside and give in. Girls are sacred. True, this does not help us very much, we can move the girl on occasion. Maybe that's why we keep telling him endlessly that girls should not be beaten under any circumstances. bitonchik's mother (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“It is impossible, categorically and under no circumstances! Move away, say that now I will give change, tell the teacher, mom. If anything, the boy is 21 this year, and he is a real Man. Rujik (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

"It is forbidden. And in any situation." Irishka-Martyshka (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“I’m not ready to comment on this post, but girls still can’t be beaten.” i_zanoza (http://kinda-man.livejournal.com)

“No, girls should not be beaten in any situation.” Creambird

“Girls should not be beaten by future men in any situation. Not for nothing, not just like that." prairie dog (http://eva.ru/)

As you can see, the arguments do not shine with variety. And the argument itself, in fact, is one: “she’s a girl!”. And the fact that, on the inner plane, she most likely refers to the boy as a heavyweight to a lightweight (even with an equal number of physical kilograms and centimeters), no one takes into account, but in vain. By the way, it's time to talk about height and weight.

Girls are so fragile!

It is this explanation that underlies the “protection certificate” to girls for a physical rebuff from boys. Let's get back to the forums.

“And if a representative of the weaker sex raises his hand to the representative of the stronger sex, then what should the representative of the stronger sex do in such a case? Yes, and explain this to a 6-year-old boy, if in front of him there is a taller head and twice as thick, that it represents the “weaker sex” ... A very weak argument for a boy who has just been hit painfully, and even the parent takes the side of the offender.

“And what would a boy have to do if his girl hit first (!!!)? In this case, the girl is not only a bully, but also stronger than the boy himself! Well, if the girl is only 7 years old. What if it was a 12 year old? That, too, could not be answered and let yourself be offended? Mik78 (http://foren.germany.ru/)

“You can’t raise your hand to a woman, a girl, a girl at all !! because they are simply physically weaker and cannot give a worthy rebuff. those who beat women are notorious goats, sorry. this should be stopped from childhood.” Karushko (http://newsland.com/)

From now on, as they say, in more detail. Consider a graph of the growth of boys and girls, depending on their age. In order not to overload the article with numbers, weight indicators are not given - it is obvious that the dependence on growth will be direct.

The figure shows that the height and weight indicators of a 4-year-old girl are comparable to those of 7-year-old boys. Question: will the peers of such a girl have many chances if she climbs on them with her fists? And at the age of 10-13 years, girls follow a growth spurt, after which their peers in the next few years will be perceived as pygmies in comparison with them. But even with such ratios of height-weight indicators, boys must meekly endure blows "on the bells" from "fragile and tender" girls a head taller and much stronger than physical ones. Why? The answer is the same - "they are girls!". Weight categories are compared somewhere at the age of 16, after which the physical superiority of the young men becomes undeniable. However, as practice shows, at this age in girls (with the exception of frankly marginal ones), the ardor of the temptation to attack first is already cooling down.

Not only by force.

Girls are ahead of boys not only physically. Due to the earlier and active development of the left hemisphere, they begin to speak earlier, and skillfully use this advantage in conflicts with boys. This advantage lasts for at least 10 years. In boys, the number of nerve fibers connecting the two hemispheres is less than in girls. When comprehending words, boys use predominantly the left hemisphere, and girls use both.

All this must be taken into account by parents and educators who demand from boys that instead of a physical response to the aggression of girls, they learn to negotiate with them. The approach is definitely correct. But... From the above data, it is quite obvious who does it better.

From the answer of a woman to the mother of a boy who is beaten by a girl in kindergarten:

“Try to teach your boy to be smarter… after all, he is a man of the future and only a weak man can hit a girl… a strong and smart man will always find a way to get out of such a situation with dignity…” Cheshirka (http://foren.germany.ru/)

To the author, this answer seems to be the clearest example of demagoguery and manipulativeness. Even the peculiarities of the use of gender nouns are indicative: a boy (and not a boy), but at the same time a girl (and not a girl). It's either this or that, otherwise the bias is too obvious. And who, in fact, is strong and smart in this situation ?! Once again, pay attention to the graph of growth and weight indicators! And also to what was said about the difference in psychophysical development.

You can offend a boy not only by causing physical pain or insulting with words. Opportunities for humiliation abound, and the ways to find a "symmetrical response" are not always clear to boys.

“Now I just remembered a case from my childhood. I was 9-10 years old. At school, in the cafeteria, we bought donuts at recess. And they're so fat, it's running down your arms. And my classmate wiped her hands on me ... Well, I stared, out of indignation, between her eyes ...! And she lived in the neighborhood, and after school she complained about me to my father. And I remember how my father stupidly, without understanding, scolded me and put me in a corner, arguing that girls should not be beaten! kowal777 (http://foren.germany.ru/)

“Boys are also offended when they break their crafts, wipe dirty hands on them, call them names or tease them. Here's how to find justice for girls if words don't work in any way? K dryavaya (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

Really, how?

Oh, those instincts...

Man consists of two principles: Personality and Organism. The personality is formed gradually, passing through the formation of the social environment, receiving education and upbringing, being in society. Individuals have to think and make informed decisions. The body is easier. He comes into this world in the form of a physical body, and is controlled by instinctive programs. Instincts are needed in order to survive in situations where you need to act without hesitation. And the less a person realizes the nature of his choice, the more he is influenced by his biological nature. This is the subject of study of human ethology - the science that explains how our instincts influence our behavior. The author hopes that the ethological terms "males", "females", etc. will meet with an adequate response.

In the context of the topic “Is it possible to beat girls” (situations when boys become objects of aggression are still implied), we will consider only two of the whole variety of instincts: hierarchical and sexual. They, according to the author, fundamentally influence the algorithm for managing this problem.

Hierarchical instinct.

In nature, it is necessary so that an individual can occupy the highest possible niche. Prize: unlimited access to resources - primarily food and sexual. And, of course, it opens the way to power. This instinct works especially powerfully in men, and it turns on almost always when more than one representative of the stronger sex gathers in one space.

In childhood, the hierarchical instinct is not yet so differentiated, although it manifests itself precisely in the struggle for resources (toys and sweets). By the way, you can do without these bonuses: it is enough to create a difference in the hierarchy. The easiest way to do this is to lower the opponent's rank. Defeat him physically or mentally. If a girl (even a very fragile and tender-looking girl) has a developed masculine inside (remember Otto Weininger's Sex and Character), she will easily and enthusiastically join the battle.

Unexpectedly for herself, the girl quickly discovers that in conflicts with boys she gains powerful support from society (parents, educators, teachers, public opinion, etc.). The fact that boys can be beaten and toys taken away with impunity is quickly fixed in the head with bows. It will take a little more time to understand: if anything, the boy can be slandered and framed - they will believe not him, but her. On the simple basis that "she's a girl."

“Yes, I, too, was the same girl. You get it, you get this boy, then you take the gum from him, then you show your tongue, then you step on your foot, then you snatch the notebook from your hands, and as soon as he chases after you:“ Mary Ivanna, and Petrov fights / pushes / steps on his feet / pulls pigtails!” And Petrov immediately gets it. fado (http://foren.germany.ru/)

Sexual instinct.

Yes, it works for these crumbs too. And it manifests itself, oddly enough, in aggression. However, there is nothing strange here. Homo sapiens males and females have fundamentally different sexual strategies. If a man at the biological level is interested in the maximum distribution of his genetic material, then with a woman the situation is fundamentally different. She needs one, but the best one. The best (again, in the biological sense) is the male of the highest possible rank, able to occupy the highest possible place in the hierarchy. For the human female, this is the key to the main female values ​​of the natural plan - resources and security. Well, and, of course, the opportunity to give your offspring the highest quality genes. The attention of such a male can be attracted in any way.

“It happens that she beat the boys so lightly .. who they just liked, or something to win attention somehow. but not with force. barnikel (http://foren.germany.ru/)

So, the woman made the best choice and preferred the most-most. However, she certainly needs to constantly be sure: does he really remain that same high-ranking male? The simplest test for rank: arrange a provocation for him and evaluate his behavior. In adults, this usually manifests itself as follows. A woman organizes a scandal and watches the reaction of a man. He was led, raised his tone, got into a fight - he lost. He lay down under the situation, submitted - he also lost. He joked, hugged him tightly and reassured him - oh, he won! The rank is still high, and there is peace - until the next check.

Exactly the same test for rank is arranged by girls who like boys: both at kindergarten age and at school. The boy is expected to succumb slightly, and then show his strength in a non-painful way (for example, hold firmly, preventing the girl from hitting him). This behavior is reinforced by another ethological mechanism called "dominance inversion".

“This is what my goddaughter said to her mother a few days ago…Mom, she says, my girlfriend and I liked one boy in the class ...Mom asks: and what do you intend to do?goddaughter: we will lock him in the toilet during recess and beat him))) 3rd grade ... " zhewzhik (http://newsland.com/)

“After all, I’m already an adult, but I still clearly remember how in kindergarten a fat and scary girl named Gulya tried to take away my favorite toy. Naturally, I didn’t want to give anything away, so I pushed the girl away. She fell, burst into tears and said that she would complain about me to the teacher (and she was very strict and could punish).
I was frightened, I was very frightened then of punishment. Gulya noticed this and suggested: "I won't tell you if you kiss me." Blinked and kissed. What else was left for me? After all, parents have already managed to drive a taboo into the head of a five-year-old child: “Girls must not be offended, under any circumstances”! By the way, the toy still had to be given away.))”. kinda_man (http://kinda-man.livejournal.com)

In nature, the decision to be or not to be offspring from a given male is made by the female. Conception as a result of sexual aggression is extremely rare. For this reason, males, when “rolling up” to a female, behave in such a way that she does not suspect him of trying to take her by force. To do this, they temporarily lower their rank, allowing the female to feel that she is in control of the situation. This is how March cats behave when they allow cats to beat themselves in the face during the courtship stage. True, after mating, everything quickly falls into place, and the cat again behaves quietly.

Therefore, in “boy-girl” conflicts, which are based on sexual instinct, it is assumed that the boy will temporarily lower his rank in relation to the girl (succumb), and this will prove his safety to her.

It remains to add that the process of psychosexual development in girls begins approximately 2 years earlier than in boys and lasts 2 years longer.

A little more ethology.

From a biology course, any high school student is familiar with the basic biogenetic law of Haeckel-Muller: ontogeny (individual development) is a brief repetition of phylogenesis (the evolutionary path of a species). The childhood of an individual child repeats the early stages of his species development. And in those distant times, people definitely did not behave like ladies and gentlemen, and relied more on instincts.

“I think if a child is offended, he should be able to fight back. At a very young age, the strongest argument is still physical strength. kinda_man (http://kinda-man.livejournal.com)

In human ethology, there is the concept of "primativity" (from "primatus" - primary), introduced by the Russian author Anatoly Protopopov. “Primativeness” is the degree of expression of instinctive patterns of behavior in relation to rational ones. The more primative a person is, the closer he is in his behavior to the animal world. Although controversial at first, the phenomenon of primativity has now been well studied and even a valid test of primativity has been compiled (E. L. Lutsenko, K. Z. Absalyamova), which makes it possible to quantify this condition for an individual person.

It is not difficult to guess that the most highly primative beings in human society are children (by the way, the primativity of girls is higher than that of boys, and this has been proven). Their instincts often take precedence over the mind, and it depends only on adults whether the ancient behavior control programs will be taken under the control of consciousness. However, not everything is so simple here either. It is far from always that a cultured child is able to adequately and without going into a fight to confront his ill-mannered peer.

The problem is that highly primative individuals perceive gentleness as weakness, and kindness as stupidity. In their picture of the world, everything is exactly the same. Therefore, most often in a civilized society, a child is taught to resolve a conflict not with fists, but with words, or by turning to adults or authorities for help. This approach is especially welcome in prosperous Europe.

It would seem how wonderful it is when generations of low-primative and law-abiding citizens grow up. However, this idyll persists only until a meeting with highly primative individuals raised in a different environment occurs. Remarkable in this regard is the story of a European woman who became a victim of sexual violence by migrants. Particularly impressive is the behavior of her husband in this situation:

“I went to the car to open it and he could shift things from the container [food stroller - approx. ed.]. At that moment, I was attacked by three men, about 30 years old, and another one with a knife stood between my husband and me. They tore my clothes, I struggled and screamed, and he [husband - approx. ed.] took out the phone and began to threaten the police. He weighs 89 kilograms, he hammers stakes in the garden with his fist! ”, She shared on social networks a few months later. “I was raped in front of him, and he screamed heart-rendingly, called the police and tried to run around a guy with a knife who only laughed,” she told her readers, who began to write about cases of cowardice in European men.

It can be said with 100% certainty that the hero of this story, the husband, was also taught to solve all problems exclusively through negotiations. Therefore, a mother who inspires her son that one must always be able to negotiate, runs the risk of being raped by a mob of scum in front of his eyes one not very fine day. And already an adult son will gently convince his uncles not to do this.

Should I give change to a girl?

Of course, opinions on the Internet are divided on this.

1. The boy gives change.
1.1. PLUS: will grow up, be able to put his girlfriend or wife in their place, keep her respect, protect her from possible stupidities.
1.2. MINUS: a domestic tyrant will certainly grow out of him, beating his wife.

2. The boy does not give change.
2.1. PLUS: a good husband will grow out of him, not allowing him to raise a hand against his wife.
2.2. MINUS: he is destined for the fate of a henpecked man and a rag, inferior to women in everything (and not only in the family).
2.3. ANOTHER MINUS: aggression will accumulate in him, and he will become a maniac.

And what do you think?

Version conflict.

From the point of view of the evolution of the species, a woman is a special biological value, and you can’t argue with that. Therefore, the protection of a woman is fixed in a man at an instinctive level. Therefore, it really would not occur to a normal (ethologically and morally healthy) man to simply raise his hand against a woman. In addition, society from early childhood inspires the boy that girls (girls, women) should not be offended, but protected. Now - attention.

“... I'm not afraid of boys, no matter how old they are, in general, everyone behaves politely ... But I'm afraid of girls, honestly !!! I, a 30-year-old lady, next to an 11- or 12-year-old girl, look like a girl next to my aunt!!!
And, I don’t know what is happening to them, but they are EVIL!!! Moreover, for some reason, such people are more common to me, that is, I don’t say. that I came across, but I just look at the face, and it’s just frowning, lips compressed, eyes from under the brows ... and in companies you look, it seems, everyone is polite, but among themselves the girls cover the guys like that ... they give slaps on the back of the head ... they say what kind of suckers they are ... kicking them ... And the boys seem to be friends, but it seems that it’s not customary to hit a girl in response ... ”Maya (http://forum.detochka.ru)

“Today's girls, especially from dysfunctional families and from families with mmm ... different from ours, let's say, mentality, are not at all what the girls were in our childhood. The world has become more aggressive, children have become more aggressive, and in this world, defending yourself with words alone is dangerous for your own life. Diplomacy is good and important, but not only.” Lusha (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“I still repeat to the boys from time to time that mother, sister, like any female person, cannot be offended. But without fanaticism, because even the females today are not the same as they were in the 19th century ... ”lazicka (http://kinda-man.livejournal.com)

“I used to say that you can’t beat girls ... But now I’m thinking ... And if this girl herself is the first to push, and even with aggression? If this girl kicked another girl (the other girl was lying on the floor, and the fighter kicked this girl in the stomach, it was not in the garden, but in the play center, but I personally saw it, it coincided). Anonymous (http://eva.ru)

So, a trick question. Imagine a very real situation: a teenager peacefully walks with his companion - she can be a mother (let's say, of a fragile build), or a sister (let's say, the youngest), or a friend (say, first love). And now, out of nowhere, a flock of militant female youngsters swoop in (perhaps drunk or under drugs). Gopnitsy begin to pester the companions of the boys: insult, spit, kick, grab the hair, rob. They don’t even pay attention to the boy: you, like, stand aside, we don’t touch you.


What should the boy do in this situation? In his firmware, almost from birth, a program was hammered in (by the same mother): girls should not be beaten - never and under no circumstances. There is a version conflict. On the one hand, he is a protector. On the other hand, girls should not be beaten. We've arrived. Oh yes, there are at least two civilized ways of solving this problem, which he was taught by his mother, educators and society.

Method one: negotiate, resolve peacefully. The reaction of highly primative gopnits in this case is more than predictable and obvious. Treatment is likely to take a long time. Method two: ask for help. If in childhood help came from adults (parents, educators, teachers, etc.), then in this case you need to turn to ... no, of course, not other adults - who, most likely, quicken their pace and pretend that this does not concern them . Why? The answer lies on the surface.

Men still have the same program in their heads: “girls should never be beaten with sildenafil, under any circumstances.” In addition, they are well aware that in which case they themselves will be to blame, and almost everyone has such experience since childhood. And women have too strong a self-preservation instinct to put themselves in danger. Well, except to shout out the call: “Men, do something!”. How men will behave - see above. It remains to call the police. In the meantime, the outfit will arrive, the boy will have to helplessly remain in a hung state, grinding the “version conflict”. Something painfully reminiscent of the story of a German woman who was raped by migrants in turn, and her law-abiding husband ran around them with a telephone, calling the police and persuading the rapists to stop this disgrace.

“In general, you don’t need to beat anyone, but if in men’s showdowns you can fight back with force, then with girls, no. Call for help from adults. At most, the girl can be pressed into a corner by force to render harmless. But never hit." prairie dog (http://eva.ru)

However, why go far, to some sort of Europe. What are the Russian "onizhedevochki" capable of, see, for example,.

Double standarts.

“Not that guy went today. The man shrank. The knights have moved. Where are they, real men? - in different variations, these maxims are familiar to everyone. Indeed, it is hard not to notice the decline in the quality of male material on average for the population. There are many reasons for this, and one of them is that being a man is simply not profitable. If only because he will be to blame for almost any conflict with a woman. Remember the story of the family of the pilot Nenarokov from the film "The Crew" (dir. A. Mitta) - highly revealing. And the fact that the boy will always be wrong, he learns from childhood. However, this is well known to his parents.

“Strange things began to happen to my son: in general, he was always a very cheerful child, but here he cries every 10 minutes ... In the evenings, tantrums (at 5 years old) - I won’t go to the garden .. I started to pee at night ... And then one day we get dressed, it’s suitable a girl from the group and says: yesterday X hit him on the head with a belt buckle. He cried a lot, she says. (but the child didn't say anything to me) I went to him: really? He started sobbing, he couldn't stop. Do you complain to the teachers, I ask? Yes, but they don’t believe me, they believe girls.” fado (http://foren.germany.ru/)

“And what if the girl hits / bites / pinches and immediately roars that she was offended, although they only swung at her in response or intercepted her hand to protect themselves from the blow. And the girl squeaks that her hands are twisted. And again continues his. The girl's mother replies that she has such a game. Curly (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“she taught that in the event of a conflict with a girl, he will remain 99% to blame - such is the specificity.” Snow bird (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“I explained that he would always be extreme in conflict with the girl and that the problem would no longer be with the girl, but with her mother. He will be guilty in any way and there will be a lot of ora.
And he met sooooo girls .... I wanted to kill myself .. along with their mothers. And they bit, and they pinched their fingers with a special door, and spat, and knocked on the head with objects ... And only once I had to deal with my mother, only once the son pushed the girl away .. She walked at him with a bench at the ready, tried to throw, dropped herself on head .. Mom yelled “he must be isolated! he hits girls! And the whole kindergarten group suffered from this girl. Now in a special school, correctional. Dina (Juma) (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

Such situations lead the boy to the realization of injustice towards him solely on the basis of belonging to the masculine gender. He perfectly sees that the girls lie, cheat, underestimate their guilt, and if they get caught, they try to pass off what happened as a joke or an accident.

“Today I got a call and in a threatening tone I was ordered to urgently come to school, because Denis crippled a classmate. It turned out, mostly after, that they pestered us again, called us to a fight with the only argument - a blow in the groin(author's note - the boy in question was subjected to systematic beatings by this particular girl for a long time - with targeted blows to the genitals). And we, taught that we need to defend ourselves, swung in response and with all our strength poked the pen behind the ear of this brainless girl. It turned out purely by chance, in fact, the son wanted to hit him in the shoulder, but missed.
For a whole lesson, before I was called, he was scolded, threatened with a colony, searched for some reason. What were they trying to find? Weapons and drugs? Denya later said that he no longer hoped to get home, he thought that they would immediately take him from school to prison.

When I arrived, they told me a bunch of nasty things about how I don’t know how to raise a child, that he alone is to blame for the horrendous behavior of the class, from which all teachers groan, that the boy should not be allowed near other children, that he is a criminal and should be sent to special boarding school. No excuses were accepted. Today he jabbed a pen in the ear, and tomorrow he will definitely stab someone with a knife. A child is dangerous, period.
It doesn't matter if they provoked him. It doesn’t matter that the boy couldn’t answer for two months and endured how they beat him, excuse me, in the balls for nothing to do, until he finally found the strength in himself. It is he who is to blame for everything, he is a juvenile delinquent, and it is he who should be sent to a boarding school. The girl is an excellent student, a gifted child, participated in the Olympiad, the pride of the school, she can do anything.

... I talked to the girl's mother only today, yesterday she did not come. Fortunately, there were no injuries, I didn’t even have to sew it up, they just glued it with a plaster. Mom turned out to be quite okay, a very pleasant woman. Her daughter told her that she just jokingly hit Denya lightly on the leg, not even in the groin at all, and he suddenly went berserk and poked her with all his might with his pen. When she found out our version of what happened, she herself was horrified - this cannot be, she apologized for a long time and promised to talk to her daughter. Kate (http://forum.detochka.ru).

Here, a schoolchild's mother describes a fairly typical case when the boy's guilt is inadequately and disproportionately inflated, and the true reasons that led to the situation are ignored. Girls are well aware of this policy, and they have learned to use it very well. It is unlikely that such an experience will contribute to the development of masculine qualities in boys. And a little later in life, they may still think about it: should they change their sexual orientation, if being a girl is so convenient?

“No, girls should not be beaten in any situation .... My boy, if anything, was beaten by girls - in the second grade, the teacher specifically called - to ask how Vitalik was there - the children told her that after the blow, he was bent over from the girl. It hasn't changed my mind." Creambird

And now this is the real betrayal! In nature, there are cases when the individual is sacrificed in the interests of the species. A similar situation is a sure way to lose a child forever.

“I remember how my father stupidly, without understanding, scolded me and put me in a corner, arguing that girls should not be beaten!(author's note - the boy could not stand it when the girl in the dining room wiped her hands on his clothes, from which fat dripped).
So - this feeling of resentment, a feeling of injustice, as well as a feeling of betrayal on the part of my father - is so engraved in my memory! To this day! I now understand that he raised me then. But then, with this method of education, he set me up not only against the girls (I just hated that classmate), but also against myself (I moved away from him for a long time, until contact was established between us again).
So, dear parents, do not go too far in raising your children. These neighborhood girls come and go... but our kids stay with us. And probably each of us dreams that a grown-up child treats us with respect ... and not with contempt, as it sometimes happens! kowal777 (http://foren.germany.ru/)

There is nothing to add. However, no. Perhaps there is. Let's give the floor to the girl's mother.

“Yes, and it seems that everyone here, in the ardor of protecting their boys, forgot one biblical truth: “they hit you on the right cheek, turn your left one.” Irma (http://foren.germany.ru/)

Translated into universal, the girl's mother, apparently, offers the following. If her daughter hit the boy on the right cheek, then he, guided by the "biblical truth", should resignedly expose his left cheek to the blow. Unfortunately, this mother does not know the full version of this proverb: “They hit you on the cheek, turn the other one - BUT DO NOT LET IT HIT!”. Good proverb, by the way. An effective algorithm that allows you to understand whether the aggression was accidental or malicious.

Who is to blame and what to do?

It is generally accepted that in any conflict both sides are to blame. The author is convinced that this is not always the case. What will be your fault if a drunk driver crashed into you, violating all conceivable traffic rules? Or, say, you are peacefully walking through New York, and a juvenile member of a black gang decides to play a game of "knock out the white" with you. Or you will be pushed out of the queue. Or stupidly and vilely set up. Of course, you can rummage around and look for the karmic reasons for what is happening, but we are talking about earthly affairs. Therefore, in the context of this article, the conditions of the task are stipulated at the very beginning: the boy becomes the object of physical or moral aggression of the girl - for no reason or reason on his part. If the above examples are not enough, enter the query “girls beat boys” into any search engine - the Internet will give information tens and hundreds of times more. Because with the question "Who is to blame?" everything is clear, let's move on to the question "What to do?".

Algorithm.

First of all, it is necessary to get an answer to the main question: how does the little aggressor behave in this situation - like a girl, or like a boy? Recall that two instincts can be at the basis of her aggression: sexual or hierarchical. If the girl's actions are due to sexual instinct, she behaves like a girl, and this is easier. Although ... However, what to do if the girl's love suddenly descended, but the boy does not, obviously goes beyond the format of this topic, and will not be discussed. But if a girl has a hierarchical instinct, then she behaves like a boy. And, since she has entered the male game, the approach to her will be appropriate, and the tactics will be completely different. So…

Step number zero. Read the following text and decide whether these recommendations are acceptable to you personally. tadalafilcialis-storerx And also - for everyone in the family who is related to the upbringing of a son (grandson), the formation of his character and worldview. The algorithm works only with a unified approach of all close relatives to this issue. If accepted, move on to Step One.

Step number one. Think about how to convey this information to the boy in an adapted form. Each family will have its own words, so the author allows himself to give here a text that is not adapted for the child. It is clear that the child should not be loaded with the concepts of ethology, instincts, ranks, etc. However, in the subsequent steps of the algorithm, special terms will occur - after all, this is our adult conversation. Received? Let's move on to Step number two.

Step number two. When confronted with girlish aggression, the boy should first of all understand - is this a specific female interest, or a male challenge?

Great solution, I must say! The reaction in the form of "stupor and deep thought" is very accurately described. Another plausible option: the girl begins to squish her nose, blink her wet eyelashes, and with a whisper, “what are you, a fool?” runs away. Or he will begin purely symbolically to beat the boy in the chest with his fists. Relapses, as a rule, do not occur. But to meet the feelings of the girl or leave her to sigh and dry alone - let the boy make this choice himself. However, that's another topic...

At this stage, the situation may be different. If, after the test phrase about “fell in love”, the girl turns not into a princess, but into an angry fury, the background of aggression based on sexual instinct should be immediately forgotten. The branch of the algorithm based on the hierarchical instinct is included. Here the girl no longer behaves like a girl, but like a boy. Accordingly, the tactics here will be fundamentally different, based on other rules. What? Step number three will determine this in many ways.

Step number three. So, at this stage, the boy is no longer a girl, but a troglodyte in a skirt and bows, ready to seriously fight for the highest step in the ranking hierarchy. Therefore, at this stage, it is important for the boy to understand whether he needs to contact this troglodyte. If the question is a matter of principle (he beats, takes or breaks his favorite toys in earnest), then he will have to fight. But not on their own, of course, but with the help of adults - they will have to call for help immediately or in the very near future.

“If the girl is pushing, try to neutralize her without hitting and pushing, try to shout loudly, take her hand, call the teacher at last.” Creambird

“We have a couple of girls we know so well… As for the garden, I used to read in the nursery and I tell my son to beat you, you say it loudly (very loudly) — MASHA! STOP FIGHTING! THIS IS VERY BAD! Firstly, some are surprised and stop, and secondly, the attention of the teacher is attracted. Just Clara (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

And what, not bad! There are other, no less original options on the forums.

“The elder and classmates somehow very quickly (at the beginning of the 1st grade) figured out how to mock girls if a girl hit me, they complained to the teacher in a thin girlish voice and with a bunch of antics, “Oh, Masha hit me, oh, oh , I’m dying, ”the boys are all neighing, the teacher seems to be supposed to punish“ masha ”, in general, they themselves found how to discourage the girls from “beating first”. Natalya (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

If the question is not so fundamental (for example, he himself has already played enough with this toy), the situation can be put on the brakes. True, at the same time, one must be prepared for the fact that next time it may turn out to be tougher: troglodytes perceive softness and compliance as weakness, and kindness as stupidity.

“According to my ideas, sissies grow out of boys who are taught from childhood that a girl can do whatever she wants, and his “right” is to wipe himself off and endure further. I am against violence, but on both sides, you understand?” fado (http://foren.germany.ru/)

If the boy feels strong enough within himself that he doesn't want to give in or call for help, Step Four comes.

Step number four. Warning shot with a blank cartridge. The boy makes it clear to the unbelted girl who is stronger. To do this, it is not at all necessary to apply full force - it is enough to designate it.

“You can defend yourself adequately. And the girl ceases to be a girl from the moment she starts behaving like a boy "hitting / biting / pinching." It is normal to wish that the boy will behave nobly like a real man. Then do not forget that for this you need to behave like a lady, and not like dosage cialis 5 mg ahem ... it’s not clear who.With "it is not clear who" and men behave accordingly, without bowing.So directly to the girl and say. If you act like a boy, you will get like a boy, no options.” Lussi01 (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

Great advice! Without using physical force, warn about the consequences for the girl of her further actions. For the time of verbal explanations, hold by force, not allowing to beat, bite, scratch. True, this is possible only if the girl is alone, and does not act together with her own kind. In any case, the prevention and containment of aggression is a necessary step. It worked - the conflict is settled. If it didn't work, go to Step Five.

Step number five. A warning shot with live ammunition. If a girl has forgotten that she is a girl and decided to play by the rules of men, please. But then don't be offended. As a rule, seriously, this rebuff immediately puts everything in its place.

“When someone (a girl, a boy, it doesn’t matter) starts to beat you, then first warn that you will hit back if you are hit again. Hit again - to fulfill the promise. I do not support the position “girls should not be beaten in any case”, because. I do not consider belonging to the female sex as an indulgence for the dissolution of hands.
On the next site, we have a girl who, “well, she’s a girly girl!”, Who dissolves her hands for any reason. However, she doesn’t touch those from whom she hit back, but she continues to beat others, one gentleman boy was taken away in an ambulance in the summer with a broken eye, then he walked around with a bandage for two weeks, now he hasn’t seen them at all for a long time: (“Lusha (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“There were two extremely aggressive sadistic girls in the garden. They bit, pinched their hands with doors, climbed with scissors, beat them with objects, broke things, a lot of things.
She taught her that he was a boy, he was strong, you had to hold the girl and not let her hurt you. She explained that he would always be extreme in a conflict with a girl. In the garden, he nevertheless pushed the girl away, told without embellishment at home, she also flew off from him through the bench. I'm ready for the showdown.... But for the remaining six months, no one else molested his son. Attacks continued with doors, throwing stones on a walk, but in relation to others. Dina (Juma) (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“When the girl spreads her arms, I allow my boy to give change. But first, the girl should SAY, then intercept her hand, and if the girl does not understand, then you can answer. Hold-hold-take away - this is all fine, but not always successful. My boy is not aggressive, not a fan of fighting, so this approach is quite suitable. It was he who hit the girl twice. Both times it took a long time. And the girls benefited much more than all the explanations. Julia R (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

In general, as in the Charter of the guard service: first a warning shot, and then ... Then either a second warning, or to kill. In our case, of course, the second warning - however, already a live cartridge.

“Why shouldn’t girls be beaten? You can't beat the weak, yeah Little. Recumbent. If a girl in a particular situation does not fall under any of the definitions, she should be treated as a rival. That is, a girl looks like a couple of days with a black eye - you look, and next time she won’t want to start a fight. ” Jaguar (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“Girls should be educated by women, and boys by men. If a woman acts "out of her competence" - with brute physical force, then she puts herself on the same level with men. Having equal rights is good, but in this case, the responsibility for actions should be the same. She raised her hand to the man - get a "torpedo". Society of Equal Opportunities. Alas, madam-emancipe. wang yu sha http://newsland.com/

“I believe that at this age, children and not boys and girls, and they are equal, let him hit back. ... my son was constantly beaten by a girlfriend and took everything away, and now he gives her change and does not give away toys, and when she beats him, I don’t feel sorry for him, but I say go give change yourself or take it from her and I think it’s right. Anyutka http://www.baby.ru

If this does not stop the girl, and she continues to increase aggression, then in this case she not only loses the right to be treated as the weaker sex, but also becomes a real source of danger. Step number six is ​​coming.

Step number six. Extreme. Either you or you. A situation that creates a real threat on the part of the girl to the health and life of the boy. Before him is no longer an angel, but a formidable opponent. We recall Otto Weininger and his work "Sex and Character": there are cases when a girl's appearance hides an aggressive and strong masculine principle.

“The military regulations regulate this;))) You can’t use weapons against pregnant women and children, but if they were the first to start ... I’m the girl’s mother, but I think if a child of any gender hits my (or my, future), I’ll advise you to hit back” . Caracol (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

And indeed it is. The picture is hard to grasp when a special forces soldier refuses to destroy a suicide bomber hung with explosives and ready to explode just on the basis of the fact that “she is a woman”. There is a line, after passing which the gender of the enemy no longer matters. However, as practice shows, girls rarely reach this stage: another instinct is already triggered - self-preservation.

Dear fellow adults.

Children are children. And the biggest mistake adults make is to let the situation take its course. Open discussion of problems between parents of boys and girls most often translates problems into tasks that are successfully solved. Particularly effective is the warning that the boy has been given permission to defend himself.

“It would be nice for the girl's parents to understand in time that some behavior can lead to bad consequences and it is better to correct the behavior in time. Because the boy will be punished later, but whether it will be easier for the injured bully girl from this is a big question. Irishka-Martyshka (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

“Plus, you can talk more seriously (to the mother of the boy with the mother of the girl) that you give your son carte blanche and now he is allowed to DEFEND in a way convenient for him. And if the girl's mother does not want to convey to her tender violet that such signs of attention can have unpleasant consequences for her, then these consequences will still arise and the girl's mother is warned. You can also convey this idea to the class teacher. ” Larsen.Ru (http://conf.7ya.ru/)

So, the problem really exists. The good news is that such situations do not concern every family where a boy grows up. Therefore, it hardly makes sense to learn the above algorithm in advance with a baby who has no idea that girls can not behave in the best way. The author is convinced that such problems should be solved as they become available, in accordance with the above algorithm. There is no point in explaining to a two-year-old boy in advance (just in case) that girls cannot be beaten. It's like teaching him how to fly an airplane (maybe it will come in handy). The main thing is to put it in his head that FIRST can not beat anyone.

And, of course, a problem is always easier to prevent than to solve. Here, special attention should be paid to girls. The approach is general: you can not beat anyone. The approach is private: the fact that you are a girl does not give you the right to remain without surrender, and boys have a strong hand. By the way, it makes sense to evaluate with new eyes the information space of a growing girl - is it filled with samples of unpunished aggression of women against men. Needless to say, children's cartoons, films and toys simply teem with such examples. However, cool heroines mercilessly beat men not only in cartoons. In the adult media environment, a real cult of disrespect and aggression towards men has formed. But that's another story.

Just in case.

Being a professional in the field of female-male relations, the author quite reasonably expects a number of specific maxims and questions addressed to him. Since they are easily predicted, you will have to answer right away.

3. And how did the author raise his sons? Allowed them to beat the girls?
As already mentioned, problems should be solved as they come up. The eldest son in the middle classes had an episode when he was bullied by a hefty dylda for much more years. Since the weight categories were incomparable, I had to contact local authorities from the senior classes through acquaintances of freshmen, graduates of this school. After a conversation with them, the tall one calmed down and walked around Yura for a mile. As for the youngest son Dima, he never had such problems. As it is now customary to say - from the word "absolutely".

instead of a conclusion.

You have read this article to the end. Now you know something that you may not have thought about before. Therefore, to the question “Can boys beat girls if they show physical aggression?” - Answer, please, based on the information received.

A heated debate came up here in one of our communities on the topic "Can a boy beat a girl?". The idea arose that it would be good to hear the opinion of child psychologists on this matter.

Summing up numerous comments, we can distinguish three main positions on which mothers were distributed:

Option 1 (mine): boys from infancy should be taught that girls cannot be beaten (I do not take martial arts into account).
Why? Because in the future, girls, even the most cocky ones, turn into girls - more fragile and physically vulnerable. And if a boy is used to beating a girl at a young age, there is a very high risk that there will be no restraining barriers by the time he enters into full force. So at the exit we will get a man who will readily raise his hand to a woman.

Option 2: girls can be beaten if they show pronounced physical aggression, that is, they beat the boy themselves.
Why? Because many girls are bigger and stronger than boys before grade 7, and because children of both sexes are equal and have an equal right to self-defense in case of physical attack.

3 option: girls can also be beaten in case of damage to the boy's things, insults against him and as a result of other actions that offend him.
Why? The boy is also human. And if a girl gets sick, behaves "not like a girl", then the rule "do not beat girls" is canceled, and you can embed her with a clear conscience. Otherwise, what else to do with it? And in general, this is so that when he grows up, all sorts of bad girls do not wipe their feet on him.

What do you think, fellow citizens, which option has collected minimum support group? - First! My point of view is perhaps too pessimistic, but I think it all looks bad in the future. I'll try to explain why.
In my opinion, children should be taught communication from an early age - the ability to negotiate; resist insulting attacks, but not physically, but morally, psychologically; to instill in them restraint in manifestations of emotions in conflicts; finally, teach them to TALK to your unpleasant social neighbor. In the end, in our time everything is decided by words - in personal communication, on paper, on an Internet. A person can be competently calmed down, "slowed down" and even "lowered" just with the help of words. This is what children should be taught from an early age, from the first moments of their interaction with other children. But this requires significant effort from the parents and from the child himself. Fisticuffs for him are a much simpler method: no need to think, strain, try to understand the enemy and make efforts to contain his anger. You can just give in the face and be satisfied with the winner. What can this lead to as the child grows - and his physical strength, by the way? Well, for example, to the fact that a boy beats a girl to a state of concussion or a qualitatively broken nose - and the parents will solve the problem in court. I'm not talking about the girl's health problems. But there is, in my opinion, the risk of more distant troubles. A child who is used to solving problems with the help of his fists may turn out to be powerless where his fists will not help (insults from an adult or just a stronger person, psychological pressure from not just one child, but a big company that you can’t beat ... and etc.). Such a child does not have the skills to deal with the psychological blows of fate, he cannot cope with his emotions that he used to splash out in a fight, he is not trained to "see" the situation from different angles and manage it. The result - children's neuroses, children's suicide.

And finally, my opinion on the question "What to do when a girl hits a boy?" The boy should, if possible, carefully block the girl's aggression - hold his hands, block (if he can), avoid blows, i.e. passively defend. When insulting, try not to pay attention, and even if you answer, then not with your fists. Arguments that the girls in our schools are just some kind of bears that beat poor and feeble boys right and left - sorry, it seems to me, they don’t roll. Girls in the garden and at school may be larger than boys - but not all, these are units in a group or in a class. At the same time, even these large girls have less developed reaction, strength and accuracy of impact, less experience in fights. In the process of discussion in another community, this was confirmed by a person involved in the physical development of children in elementary grades.
How to teach? Explain that force is not an argument in a dispute. That a narrow-minded, not very smart person who is not able to prove his case with words raises his hand. It takes a really long time, patience and effort to learn these things, and a couple of statements that, they say, "it's not good to fight" or "you can't touch girls" will not help here. Naturally, the mothers of girls, informing them that "princesses are not beaten", should explain that princesses also do not swear, do not spoil other people's things, and certainly do not skimp on their girlish "security" (alas, imaginary), provoking the boys to conflict. And finally, I heard the opinion that it is very difficult for children at this age to understand all sorts of such subtle matters. But, dear mothers of boys, when, on the one hand, you memorize that it’s generally not good to beat girls, and on the other hand, you begin to explain that I would definitely hit this girl, and that one deserves a spanking, and it is not harmful to charge this one for her tricks, and in general it is necessary to divide the girls into "those who behave like girls" and as "non-girls" - you put a more difficult choice before the boy. Well, he will not understand - how much she is already "not a girl", he will knock simply and tritely and will be sure that he is right.

In general, while our discussions of this issue, to be honest, I have some fear of the future of my daughter. She is just not a pugnacious, scandalous, friendly and peaceful girl, whom I have been teaching all her life to negotiate. I'm scared that there is a high risk that in the future she will face a massive predominance of guys who will easily raise their hand against a girl, simply because at some point she "got" them - and personal relationships are still an unpredictable thing. In the meantime, she goes to aikido - and I will do my best to convince her to continue this sport. I don't see any other options.

What do you say, citizens?

Good afternoon! I will immediately voice the problem on which I would like to consult. My son, 2nd grade, 9 years old beats girls. Not first! This is a response to a provocation! But he hits out of proportion to what the girls do. For example, a girl called him a fool, and he hit her on the back with all his strength. She broke his plane - he pulled her by the hair. In general, the child is very calm, not aggressive, well-mannered. But in response to encroachments in his direction, he behaves very violently. Acutely perceives. Does he consider himself an offender? Maybe. Simple explanations and conversations do not help. The situation is tense in the classroom. Parents are already turning to the police and the juvenile committee.
I'll describe my assumptions. Perhaps the problem has not been resolved. Not even with a child, but with me. How to work it out correctly (maybe through myself), I don’t know.
6 years ago I divorced my husband, the father of my son. And he was very worried about it. I was ill for a long time and strongly on psychosomatics. When improvements began, the doctors advised a change of scenery. We moved to another city. Now we have 5 years already a new family, a new dad, so to speak. He communicates with his father, no one forbids. Relations are good. I went to different teams - everything was fine. The problem arose in 2nd grade. Something I missed. Tell me, pliz, where to dig? I am 90% sure that the problem grows out of that old trauma.

Morven

Evgenia Sergeeva

Administrator

Morvin, good afternoon. The psychologist will answer you after a while.

Hello Morwen!
Did something change in the 2nd grade in the life of your son? Or in the summer before the school year?
And a few more questions:
Have there been cases of violence in the family, in the current, former?
How did you part with your spouse? How did you live through the divorce, was there any negativity towards your spouse, how did you live, did you express it? What is your current relationship with your ex-husband?
How long did it take to get a new husband after the divorce? What is the relationship between the son and the stepfather? How does the current husband feel about the father of the child?
What is your relationship with your son? What kind of mother are you? Caring, caring?
Describe your son's character in general. What is it like in dealing with children and adults? What character traits do you like or dislike about him?

Thanks for the quick response. I'll try to explain everything in detail.
We have been expecting our second child since the summer. Why didn't I write right away? I don't see this as a problem. My son (his name is Misha) himself asked his brother, begged. It is the brother, the sister categorically does not want. I didn't decide for a long time. And we told him very gently. And they said and say that we love him and will love him, that nothing will change for the worse for him. He seemed to take the news very adequately, he was glad that his brother. Talking about it does not cause tears. But conversations about the connection between the beating of girls and the separation of dad and mom cause tears and inner feelings are visible.
There were violence in the past family. From dad's side. Unfortunately, the parting itself was very stormy. No matter how I tried to smooth over and calm down, dad needed a farce and more publicity. I came for Misha in kindergarten. Dad came along unexpectedly. Took us both and just took us to my mom. Without things, without everything. I have a bag with a passport in one hand, a child's pen in the other. On the way, he blamed me for everything. In fact, he just kicked us out of the house. I tried to explain to the child why this happened, but it was not without negative characteristics of the father (((. Although I tried not to deny my share of the blame.
The child experienced a divorce mainly in hospitals, I am with him, respectively. I think I got through the divorce quite easily. Although my mother assures me that it was very difficult for me.
I have a difficult relationship with my ex right now. He tortured me with courts and bailiffs. We only see each other in the summer. And they communicate with their son once a week via Skype and phone.
From the moment of the divorce until the appearance of a new husband, then not yet a husband, a young man, 1.5 years passed. He was chosen by Misha himself from all the men who were next to me at that time. Misha and stepfather even look very similar. Their relationship is good. But Misha does not respect him as a dad. He treats him like a friend. Stepfather from the first day loves Misha as his own. And he gives everything for Misha, he does not spoil, but he is ready to give the last to him.

The current husband has nothing to do with the father of the child. Often persuades Misha to call his father and talk.
My relationship with my son can be described in two ways. On the one hand, we get along well, he even tells me something in secret, one might say friendly, respects me for my intelligence, often asks me something. On the other hand, he sometimes does not finish speaking and is afraid to be the first to say, for example, that he offended a girl or that a remark was written to him in his diary. I think this is due to the fact that he is afraid that he will be scolded. Although no one beats him and does not scold him much. But conversations have to be held regularly (.
In general, I am a strict mother, everything should be in place, neat, clean, things should be in order, everything must be done on time. I am a perfectionist and maximalist. By itself, she is not very affectionate with either her son or her husband. Kiss a little. But I hug and say that I love often. I feel partially guilty, apparently unconsciously, in relation to my son. Unconsciously exactly. Because I don't feel guilty. But I try all the time to make him better than the rest. I give him quite a lot of freedom, I allow him when he asks for something. Although the new husband says that I dismissed the child too much, he sat on his neck and it is necessary to set at least some conditions and frameworks. I believe that the conditions are already full. But I agree that the son does not justify the trust. He thinks that other children have even better and more.
I hope that after all I am a caring and attentive mother.

Now about the characteristics of the son. In general, communication with both children and adults is very easy. Easily makes contact. Unfamiliar adults are a little shy at first. Literally the first 5 world. Then it is easy to communicate with everyone, openly. It is easy to get in touch with unfamiliar children. Meet himself. Accepts when they get to know him or start playing. Walks in the yard. Communicates with both girls and boys. Doesn't offend anyone. If offended, he gives back.
Often, too quickly, in my opinion, he begins to call just communication friendship, and a friend a friend.
If you do not take behavior at school, which I do not see, but only read complaints, then Misha is a very well-mannered boy, he knows how to behave in the theater, at the table, in front of adults. Doesn't utter swear words. Although of course he knows a lot of them. The first one will not start calling names. Responsive and ready to help. Obedient in moderation.

Morven

Try to look at all these events through the eyes of a son.
He saw the father's violence towards his mother, then the parents broke up, while the child is going through big changes in life, and he cannot influence them in any way. If you were in this position, how would you react to it?
His dad will always be his dad, it is important to talk with his son that dad and mom can leave, but they still remain his parents. It is important to form a positive image of the father, but also to talk about the mistakes of adults who also happen in life. A boy needs a father as an image of his future adult male identity.
If you can find another spouse, then the child cannot simply abandon his own father and choose a stepfather, even if he is a wonderful person, because this can be experienced as a betrayal of the father.
It is your responsibility to choose a spouse and in no case should you shift it to your son.
But it is important to teach a child to respect his stepfather, to respect an adult man who now takes care of his mother and him. Not replacing the father, but talking about two adult men, each of which is important for the boy. There are different attitudes towards them, but respect as elders should be towards both.

We have been expecting our second child since the summer. Why didn't I write right away? I don't see this as a problem.

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And I would once again suggest looking at these changes in the son's life as a possible reason for changing behavior.
After the previous changes, divorce, the appearance of a new husband of the mother, now the child is again waiting for changes, they can be frightening, because in the past changes were not always pleasant.
Even without past experience, the arrival of a new child in the family always means a loss to the older one of the status of an only child, and can be very emotional.
Talk to your son more often, pay attention to him, tell him that you will always love him, that he is very important and valuable to you.

I like it in my son: not capricious, kind, obedient, sympathetic, smart, not rude, not rude, active, positive, aware of himself as a man, says: I will not complain, because I am a man.
Dislikes: lazy, sloppy and what I call "no tongue". If you need to ask for help or talk about something, he will not open his mouth, will endure and be silent, or instead of an open request, he will wrap up such a phrase that it can be difficult to guess what he wants.

It is important to form a positive image of the father, but also to talk about the mistakes of adults who also happen in life. A boy needs a father as an image of his future adult male identity.

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I spoke, I speak and I will speak. He loves his father very much and forgives his sometimes boorish behavior: the father may not send a birthday present, be 2.5 hours late for a meeting with him, although he knows that his son is waiting for him, do not call, recently announced that he would not do it to him gifts for the holidays, neither for New Year's Eve, nor for birthdays, nor for spring. (The son was upset. The stepfather never does this. The stepfather told Misha that he would give him the best gifts and everything for his joy and mood.

It is your responsibility to choose a spouse and in no case should you shift it to your son.

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I didn't translate. Maybe she just wrote it. I chose it myself, and somehow at the very beginning I asked what Misha thought about this person. Misha replied that he would like to live with him.

But it is important to teach the child to respect the stepfather,

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Talk to your son more often, pay attention to him, tell him that you will always love him, that he is very important and valuable to you.

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Both I'm a stepfather and stepfather constantly tell Misha about this. And these words seem to resonate with Misha. But either this is not enough for him, or it does not help. And here the girls, what kind of anger does he take out on them?

Could it not turn out that I am offended by the whole world and this is projected onto the child like this?

I am blind in relation to my problem, I do not see the grain. Something brings my child pain. And I can't work it out with him because I can't see.
The school psychologist conducted a test with Misha on self-awareness and self-awareness among others. He says everything is fine, do not torture the child.
Please open my eyes. Where did I go wrong? What do I urgently need to do now? After all, awareness and acceptance of change will not be instantaneous, this process has been going on for several months and so far to no avail. Misha's behavior does not change. If the parents turn all the same to the authorities, it will only make it worse. So far, only the school administration is holding them back, because Misha has a positive reference, he studies well.

Morven

Morven, your message seems to contain a contradiction in expectations from the son.
You like that he is not capricious, does not complain, and you do not like that he suffers and is silent, does not know how to ask.
A child can either always turn to his mother with a request, with his sadness, resentment, bad mood, if his mother can accept all his feelings and help him live them.
Or if it is difficult for the mother to accept the negative experiences of the child, then he gets used to keeping all his experiences in himself, to cope with them on his own, so as not to cause concern to the mother.
Because the child does not yet have a clear understanding and distinction of his feelings, it is the task of the mother to reflect the feelings of the child, to teach him to express them constructively.
If a mother does not feel well, does not restore her internal resources, gets very tired, then she does not have enough strength to process the child's experiences. Therefore, it is important to take care of yourself, my favorite example of such care, about how mother closed herself in the kitchen and drank tea with chocolate, when the children knocked on her, she answered: "children, don't interfere, I'm doing you a good mother") On your example and the child will learn to respect their own feelings and the feelings of others.

How exactly? What are the steps, stages? What should be my behavior?

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Talk with your son about your family, about its structure, that the stepfather is responsible for you and the children, when the son grows up he will also have his own family, where he will be the head. By your behavior, show that you listen to your stepfather, that he has a decisive voice in decision-making.

And here the girls, what kind of anger does he take out on them?

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Girls can symbolize both his anger or resentment towards his mother, for the fact that she will have another child, for example, or simply how weaker ones can be a convenient object for negativity if his "bad" feelings are not accepted in the family. It’s impossible to restrain him in himself, because there are a lot of experiences and he can’t cope with them, and then you can react to them on the girls.

Please open my eyes. Where did I go wrong? What do I urgently need to do now? After all, awareness and acceptance of change will not be instantaneous, this process has been going on for several months and so far to no avail.

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First of all, talk to your son and hear him explain his own behavior. Talk about your feelings with him sincerely, that you feel guilty for his behavior, worry that you made a mistake in something and do not know how to fix it. What will he advise you? How can you help him change his behavior?

You like that he is not capricious, does not complain, and you do not like that he suffers and is silent, does not know how to ask.

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This needs some explanation. I meant that no matter what answer is unpleasant for him, if it is justified and reasoned, then he accepts it, he will not roll on the floor in the store, he will not throw tantrums. If someone offended him, he does not run to complain to the teacher, he understands himself. I asked him if he thinks it's right.

A child can either always turn to his mother with a request,

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Always can. And she told him many times that she could. And turns to small things. And it always resonates. I never rejected him. But it is precisely according to inner deep experiences that he does not share. My questions and conversations are not willing. Closed

the task of the mother is to reflect the feelings of the child, to teach him to express them constructively.

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In these situations, I practice non-directive play therapy (I used to work in a rehabilitation center). But he doesn't work with his son. Tried.

If a mother does not feel well, does not restore her internal resources, gets very tired, then she does not have enough strength to process the child's experiences.

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Yes, I feel bad all the time, no resources, no strength. But not so much as to refuse to process feelings to your child. No one will let me rest anyway. This is a sacrifice on my part, of course. But this is my period. Hope it goes away soon. A child needs a happy mother.

It’s impossible to restrain him in himself, because there are a lot of experiences and he can’t cope with them, and then you can react to them on the girls.

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How can I get his feelings out of him? And send in a different direction? He goes in for sports. I advised him to throw out his aggression there, to train more actively. But he doesn't know how.

First of all, talk to your son and hear him explain his own behavior.

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HE thinks he's right. The girl violated the boundaries of his personal zone - and received. And what is unreasonably strong - he explains this, that he is the strongest in the class. He does not understand why girls should not be beaten at all. Explanations that expectant mothers, etc. are not accepted (

What will he advise you? How can you help him change his behavior?

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And he doesn't want to change anything. He accepts himself the way he is. He says: well, I am. A mess - well, I was born in the year of the pig, I lost something - well, I'm like that, what can you do, confusion.

And another question related to this. How can I work with myself? How to reconfigure yourself correctly? What to change in yourself?

Even terrible parents - tormentors, narcissists and others like them - sometimes quite sincerely believe that all their actions are from love, let alone normal moms and dads. Imperfect, with their "cockroaches", of course, but not cruel, not obsessed with themselves, but ordinary - after all, their intentions are also good.

Only we all know what road is paved with such intentions.

This phrase hints that something is wrong with the girls

Let's say you came to visit a friend at a party, and the friend says:

Listen, my friend Pavlik will be here. So, you can't hate him.

What do you think of Pavlik? It is likely that Pavlik is either an aggressive neurasthenic who can break loose at any moment (that is, Pavlik is dangerous), or he is, say, mentally retarded or disabled (that is, unable to answer for his actions and / or completely helpless).

Even if all this is not fully realized, the brain still absorbs and analyzes information in the background (we call it the subconscious), and especially the growing brain of a child. And with such phrases, you, in fact, tell the boys that girls are not the same as you. They are different. They are either dangerous or, more likely, "defective". Be careful with them.

She unties the hands of cruel girls

This problem is especially evident in the relationship of already adult boys and girls. I bet you've heard (or told) at least one version of this story.

She tells me nasty things, presses on all the pain points that she knows so well, deliberately provokes, but I am silent and clench my fists. Can't hit a woman. And she sees it and enjoys it.

I actually think that hitting people regardless of gender is rather a bad idea. The last frontier that makes sense to cross when civilized methods, despite all efforts, do not work (and it is impossible to escape) and you have to resort to barbaric ones. Most likely, there will not be much sense from this, but I can easily imagine a situation where this can be justified.

This is about gender bias. He has objective reasons, because most women will not be able to adequately fight back, and yes, this is so, and this must be taken into account. But if it weren’t for the attitude “you can’t offend girls”, which later turned into “women can’t be beaten”, laid down in childhood, then many women prone to emotional provocations (like cruel girls who are almost on an equal footing with boys in terms of physical strength) would would be much more restrained. Not even because of moral insight, but in order not to be substituted, because they know:

For what I'm doing now, you can get in the face.

Someone will say: “But what about domestic violence? Doesn't this childhood attitude help reduce the percentage of abusive husbands who beat their wives in the future? I answer: no.

Adequate husbands do not beat their wives, not because they were told so in childhood, but because they are adequate and know how to resolve conflicts differently. Inadequate, as we see, this does not stop at all.

She deprives girls of equal status

Remember Pavlik from the example? Which you don't touch because it's either dangerous or defective. We dealt with the “dangerous” ones above, but what if there is not a dangerous girl in front of the boy? Doesn't make a fuss, doesn't bully. And she looks normal, she has arms and legs, she smiles, she says something. Why is it possible to offend other boys, but not her and people like her?

Because weak? Because she's inferior to me in some way?

The girls have not yet managed to do anything, and the boy is warned in advance about how not to behave with them (not with all people, but with them). One gets the feeling that the girl is not quite a person or a person of some special, incomprehensible sort. That she is helpless, or that she is not responsible for her actions and decisions. That, no matter how she does, she needs to forgive everything and be careful with her.

Boys and girls are different, but we are not helping anyone by teaching boys to think that girls are such strange creatures that “do not touch, otherwise they will fall apart.” Firstly, it won’t fall apart, and secondly, isn’t it better, in order to develop kindness in your son, to tell him how to console a girl if he accidentally offended? And then these dances on tiptoe around the "fragile" princesses bring up the girls themselves more. For example, they make them manipulators from the previous paragraph.

She puts the boys in the "box of masculinity"

I'm using the free translation of the phrase here man box, which Tony Porter used in his TED talk.

He talks about the crooked culture of masculinity and what criteria a man must meet in it to be considered one. And the criteria are legion. One of them is resilience. Absolute, almost superhuman.

When we say “you can’t offend girls”, the return line in the form of “but you can offend boys” suggests itself. This is where another crazy phrase comes from - “ boys don't cry". These phrases, like a host of similar ones, come from the same source and serve the same purpose - to bring up "real men" who endure everything, never get upset, do not show emotions and have no vulnerabilities.

Someone else then wonders why men die earlier.

What do you do when you feel bad and you are torn to pieces?

Nothing. I endure.

You can't live like that. Nobody. Do you know all these stories when there was a boy (and this is almost always a boy), so calm and polite, and then he takes a rifle and kills 20 people? Except for clinical psychopaths who were born that way and cases of domestic violence, I think that's the reason. Not the only one, but one of the fundamental ones.

A normal child without terrible psychological trauma lived for himself and experienced stress. Maybe he was teased, maybe he read something offensive or, but he had no one to talk to, he was afraid to express his feelings, to show weakness. And feelings accumulated, wandered in him, gradually, day after day, transforming the psyche - and this is the result.

Good news - there are plenty of alternatives

For example, like this.

Don't hit girls if they don't hit you.

Agree, it's a completely different matter. After all, it all started with the fact that girls are physically weaker and it’s not fair to attack them, right? So show this difference, this balance.

Try not to offend others if they do not offend you.

Don't make fun of others for not being like you.

It is better to resolve disputes with words, not with fists.

Children are curious, their consciousness is very flexible, and whatever you put into it will remain there for life. Don't make it easy. The desire to simplify everything is from mental laziness. Fairness and tact are very subtle things, so explain, chew, go into details. Let not immediately, but after many years, but you will definitely see the fruits of your efforts.

The phrase “You can’t offend girls” is repeated by parents to their sons from the cradle. Of course, with the best of intentions: otherwise, kind and sensitive? But the advice of psychologists in matters of raising children agrees on one thing: the categorical ban “Girls must not be offended!” in the future, it can seriously come back to haunt both the grown-up boy and the girls with whom fate will bring him together.

How to properly educate a boy so that chivalrous qualities do not break his psyche and cause problems?

Is there something wrong with the girls? How are the relationships between boys and girls

Emphasized equality is what gender relations are built on today. Girls are often not inferior to boys both in physical strength and in the ability to put pressure psychologically. Boys see no logical reason why they should not respond to aggression from a girl. Subconsciously, they think of this reason themselves.

Let's say you came to visit a friend, and they say to you: “Listen, my friend Pavlik will be here. You can't offend him." What do you think of Pavlik? Either that he is an aggressive neurasthenic who can break loose at any moment (that is, Pavlik is dangerous), or he is completely helpless and unable to stand up for himself.

These are not conscious conclusions, the children's brain absorbs and analyzes information in the background.

You try to tell children to be kind, but in fact you inspire: “Girls are not like boys. They are either dangerous or helpless and stupid. It's best not to touch them."

Such upbringing of boys with age turns either into male chauvinism, or into a fear of starting relationships with women.

How to Raise a Boy: Don't Untie the Hands of Cruel Girls

Relationships between boys and girls in adolescence and adolescence are full of similar situations:

“She tells me nasty things, presses on all pain points, provokes me on purpose, but I am silent and clench my fists. Can't hit a woman. And she sees it and enjoys it.”

Beating people is an extreme method, without division based on gender. But the ability to show healthy aggression solves many psychological problems and normalizes many relationships.

Yes, most women will not be able to adequately fight back. But this does not deprive them of the ability to cruelly manipulate the male psyche. And the man's ability to self-defense was stopped in the sandbox: "Don't touch her, she's a girl!"

If not for this, then many cruel girls, prone to manipulation and emotional provocation, women would have behaved much more restrained. Simply because they would know that for such tricks you can get.

The ability of a man to protect his emotional space and are two different things. Adequate husbands do not beat their wives, not because they were told so in childhood, but because they know how to resolve conflicts differently. Inadequate, children's prohibitions do not stop at all.

Psychologist's advice: do not put boys in the "box of masculinity"

Wrestling Lead Tony Porter reveals how twisted our culture of masculinity is. A man has a lot of requirements. One of them is absolute, almost superhuman stamina.

Are you going to tell the children that “you can’t offend girls”? Keep in mind that in the mind this phrase continues: "but boys - you can." Next comes "Boys Don't Cry". But these phrases are very far from how to properly raise a boy. This is an attempt to grow an "iron man" who endures everything, never gets upset, does not show emotions and has no vulnerabilities. Does anyone else then wonder why men die earlier?

From childhood, we put the boy in the “box of masculinity”. And it's amazing when a calm, polite and patient guy one day takes a rifle and kills 20 people. Daily stress without the right to defend oneself, because the offender - a person of the opposite sex, can seriously distort the psyche.

How to raise a boy: good news

There are many alternatives in raising children and building relationships between boys and girls.

Not “You can’t hit girls!” But “Don’t hit a girl if she doesn’t hit you.” Not because the girl is weaker, but because it's not fair to attack first. Show this difference, this balance.

"Don't hurt others if they don't hurt you."
"Don't make fun of others for not being like you."
"Solve disputes with words, not fists."

Children's consciousness is very flexible and curious. Everything that you have time to tell the children will remain there for life. Don't try to oversimplify explanations. “You can’t hurt girls” is a typical example of a simplification that does not take into account the whole variety of situations. Fairness and tact are very subtle things in raising a child, so explain, chew, go into details. Let not immediately, but after many years, but you will definitely see the fruits of your efforts.
According to lifehacker