Deception of those who trusted. Is it worth forgiving deception?

Throughout his life, every person is faced with lies. It can be varied. Should I forgive her? Further relationships between people and life itself may depend on this.

First you need to figure out whether the lie that needs to be forgiven is so significant. If deception strictly contradicts your principles, then perhaps it is better not to communicate with the person who deceived you anymore. After all, when he realizes that he is being forgiven, he will continue to lie.

We can talk forever about whether lies should be forgiven and not come to a concrete answer. First you need to understand the reasons for lying. And if you find the motivation for deception, it will be much easier to forgive.

So, for example, women, having studied men well enough, can simply turn a blind eye to some men’s lies, although they are obvious.

Let's make a small list of such lies:

• late at work, traffic jams- you don’t have to react to such a lie, besides, the smell of beer speaks for itself perfectly;
• you are my second woman or I had a lot of beautiful women - well, who would believe that? Most likely, the man is trying to push you to take specific actions. And in your eyes he either looks like a Don Juan or expects condescension from you;
• I only drank 50 grams- most likely, they drank “everything that burns” and in large quantities. After all, a sober or slightly intoxicated person will never specify the quantity;
• I've never had the feelings I have for you- every woman is pleased to hear such a lie. Well, why not forgive her?

But, of course, if a lie goes beyond such innocent boundaries, then it’s worth thinking carefully about whether it’s worth forgiving the deception.

Every woman also has an innocent lie in her arsenal, which every man knows about, but at the same time he forgives:

• from a certain age, a woman begins to reduce it somewhat;
• in order to save the nerves of the other half, the fairer sex often lowers prices for purchased small things (lipstick, shoes, handbag);
• many embellish with various details when talking about some event;
• In order not to hurt a man’s pride, you can praise him for his appearance, although his shoes may not be polished.

Very often we need to try to find the reasons for lies in ourselves. But you shouldn't do this. You just have to sometimes perceive a lie as a way for the deceiver to protect your feelings. Then it will be easier to forgive.

Sometimes you just need to get over yourself and try to erase what happened. Over time, the pain of deception will dull and the lie will be forgotten.

Be that as it may, before you forgive a lie, you must decide whether you want to continue your relationship with the person who deceived you. And if your answer is positive, then you need to forgive, but not allow him to deceive constantly.

Realizing that a person has been deceived, a feeling of resentment, disrespect, humiliation and, to some extent, even shock comes to him. Such emotional shock in certain cases can cause a noticeable deterioration in a person’s health. Of course, the scale of the event is considered an important factor, because it is completely wrong to compare the loss of money through cunning and the betrayal of a loved one, for example. However, it can be noted that both of these events are not pleasant. So what to do in such a situation, how to continue to live with it? Should we forgive the presence of lies in a relationship between a man and a girl? Experts suggest thinking logically.

How to deal with the first reaction to a lie

A completely natural and expected reaction to a lie is often aggression, anger, and hatred. Often there is an irresistible desire to take revenge on the offender, and not only on him, but on his entire family, because you want to make him feel the same pain that he caused.

This bouquet is complemented, of course, by endless self-pity and the need to quickly forget what happened by any means necessary. Experts note that a deceived person should not blame himself for these “evil” thoughts, however, one should not follow their lead either. Otherwise, revenge can bring harm to both parties, not only physical, material, but also psychological.

The most reasonable and correct decision in a situation with revealed deception is considered to be the ability to keep oneself in a calm state. This does not at all mean artificially suppressing your anger, because the fact of deception occurs, and this should not be forgotten.

Further actions of the deceived person

Based on the advice and terms proposed by social psychology, experts note that one of the most destructive human states is a feeling of helplessness. This should prompt the victim of deception to take a sober look at the situation that has arisen and evaluate their capabilities regarding its correction.

For example, a person was deceived by an unscrupulous employer or seller. In this case, he has the opportunity and right to file a complaint with the relevant Supervision and Control Service. It is possible that the material and moral damage to the victim will not be compensated, but it can cause a lot of problems for the person who acted dishonestly, because the fact of treatment from consumers is in any case accompanied by checks.

Cheating a loved one

A completely different outcome occurs if the deception was associated with treason or betrayal of a very close person. Usually the situation cannot be corrected in any way, trust has disappeared between people, and it is incredibly difficult to regain it even if the “sacrifice” wishes. The only thing you can do here is to accept what happened as a kind of life lesson. It sounds pretentious, but it is precisely this attitude towards deception that will make it possible to adequately emerge from the role of a victim.

Experts advise not to wonder whether or not to forgive a deceiver and traitor. You just have to learn to treat him accordingly, given the trouble that happened between you. This will allow you to correctly determine the level of trust in building relationships in society. But as for the continuation of communication after deception, this is decided by the victim himself, and no one else but him.

Of course, we must not forget that usually close people deceive under the influence of weakness or fear, and not entirely from the desire to cause pain. The main factors of deception are described in detail below.

The main reasons for deception

So, most often people resort to deception for the following reasons:

1. To escape the responsibility placed on a person.
2. In the absence of mental and physical strength to do the right thing. Of no small importance here is the impact of society itself, which we load with a multitude of completely empty bureaucratic requirements and conditions.
3. When laziness prevails over the desire to work both physically and mentally. Therefore, it is extremely important for each person to find his place in life, his business, which will make him want to devote all his strength to its implementation and implementation. Only by being passionate about your work can you do it efficiently, honestly and without any deception.
4. Pursuing the goal of pleasing society, which demands the fulfillment of the rules and conditions it has invented. Also influenced by the fear of not fitting into the established framework, of being rejected for one reason or another.
5. Due to the presence of fear of being misunderstood by someone.
6. For the purpose of manipulating a person.
7. Those who have deceived want to hide certain actions they have committed, because they cannot be as they really are.
8. If you don't want to cause heartache. However, in this situation, you should always remember that the secret sooner or later becomes apparent.
9. In order to attract attention and interest. For example, with insufficient attention to children from their parents, their desires, needs and feelings.
10. With the goal of receiving praise, a reward that will clearly be undeserved. However, the very fact of receiving it is extremely important here, and often at any cost.

To summarize, it can be noted that deception is always unpleasant, painful, and offensive. However, how to survive this shock correctly, so as not to harm yourself and the people around you? Of course, you need to give yourself time to think about the situation and make the right decision in a calm state, and not rashly.

Those who deceive those who trusted them suffer in the very last circle of Dante’s hell, because there is no sin more terrible. By betraying someone who trusted you, you are crossing the very last, extreme border. Because the one you betray suffers from despair and loses the basis of existence - love, hope and faith in people. It’s paradoxical, but it is precisely this violation of the faith of loved ones that people sin most often. Without thinking about the soul - neither about your own, nor about the soul of a loved one. It is much easier to betray someone who is initially determined to trust you and therefore does not expect a trick, than to betray a stranger. To paraphrase the classic, a loved one is happy to be deceived himself. The more vile such deception is, the more difficult it is to forgive it. Those who have been betrayed may have a question: is it worth forgiving? Is it possible to risk trusting again, having overcome the offense, or is it better not to? On the one hand, someone who has lied once can easily do it again. Therefore, it is safer not to contact him and break off all relationships. But on the other hand, you can’t give up on a person either: everyone should have a chance for forgiveness and redemption, because anyone can stumble. And a lot depends on the situation itself. Only in childhood for us the world is either black or white. In fact, it is full of halftones and uncertainty. You can commit an unpleasant act in different ways: out of stupidity, without understanding it, without thinking about the consequences, under the influence of the moment, out of fear or out of resentment. Or cynical, thoughtful, calculating. Perhaps you yourself somehow provoked the person to lie to you. Or maybe he was deliberately fooling around and using you. It is necessary to take into account the reaction of the offender. It’s clear that you can’t get into someone else’s soul, it’s your own and it’s dark. But still, try to understand: he himself is in pain, he is embarrassed, confused, lost, blames himself and tries to fix everything? Or does he not see anything special in what is happening, and certainly does not repent? There is one more important point that must be taken into account when making a decision. Are you able to forgive - that is the question. This is much more difficult than it seems. Not everyone is able to sincerely not remember grievances, continue to see the good in a person and believe him. Ask yourself: can I forget what happened? Of course, this episode can be completely erased from memory only if there is a history of sclerosis or amnesia. That's not what this is about. And about whether you can not remember, not return to this every day in conversations, not hint, not tease, not reproach. Do not replay what happened in your own memory, finding more and more reasons for resentment there. Don’t accumulate disappointment in your soul so that at the slightest reason you can summarize: “Well, there you go! I knew it!" Will you be able to say to yourself: “What happened is past, we must move on with our lives!” After all, the pain is sometimes so strong that it is impossible to “get over it.” The wound does not crust over and does not scar. Then, no matter what the guilty person does, no matter how hard he tries to make amends for his guilt, he fails. You can lose trust in five minutes. But to win... Doubt in a loved one is such a heavy thing that even the most long-term relationships can collapse and fall apart under this incredible weight. The fear that a loved one, without flinching, will betray you again, lie to your face again, is capable of knocking the support out from under your feet. For someone who begins to suspect a loved one of deception, a kind of concrete mixer turns on in their head. Thoughts go and go in circles - and with each new turn new details are mixed in with them. As a thinking being, you begin to scrupulously analyze long-past events. The nasty little fly grows to the size of a huge elephant, and there is no way to reverse the process. Doubts hidden at the bottom of the soul can make themselves felt literally at any moment, starting to gnaw at you over the most insignificant reason. As a result, a secret, hidden meaning is seen in every word, meaningless act, and innocent incident. Little things are given a different, menacing meaning, reservations grow to the size of insults, and a silent cell phone turns into indisputable evidence of treason. Mistrust kills, and additional torment is caused by the thought that there is still no absolute certainty of deception. This means that there is a possibility that, by slandering an honest person, you are trampling on sincere feelings and disposition towards you... Only those who have gone through this at least once understand the value of peace of mind and peace of mind. As a result, the situation can be resolved in a hundred different ways: you can get tired of suspicions, they can be confirmed, or, at best, dissipate. One thing is for sure: just as you can’t be a little pregnant, you can’t trust half. Either there is trust or there is not. If he still doesn’t exist, then does it make sense to continue the relationship? It would probably be more correct to try not to see, not to hear, not to contact. Perhaps someday, after thinking carefully, you will be able to calm down and “thaw out.” Time, they say, heals everything. The main thing is not to let one action become the yardstick by which you will begin to measure relationships with people for the rest of your life. Don't start a crusade against all of humanity if one person once failed to live up to your expectations. Author: Albina Nurislamova

It’s paradoxical, but it is precisely this violation of the faith of loved ones that people sin most often. Without thinking about the soul - neither about your own, nor about the soul of a loved one.

It is much easier to betray someone who is initially determined to trust you and therefore does not expect a trick, than to betray a stranger. To paraphrase the classic, a loved one is happy to be deceived himself. The more vile such deception is, the more difficult it is to forgive it.

Those who have been betrayed may have a question: is it worth forgiving? Is it possible to risk trusting again, having overcome the offense, or is it better not to?

On the one hand, someone who has lied once can easily do it again. Therefore, it is safer not to contact him and break off all relationships.

But on the other hand, you can’t give up on a person either: everyone should have a chance for forgiveness and redemption, because anyone can stumble.

And a lot depends on the situation itself. Only in childhood for us the world is either black or white. In fact, it is full of halftones and uncertainty. You can commit an unpleasant act in different ways: out of stupidity, without understanding it, without thinking about the consequences, under the influence of the moment, out of fear or out of resentment. Or cynical, thoughtful, calculating. Perhaps you yourself somehow provoked the person to lie to you. Or maybe he was deliberately fooling around and using you.

It is necessary to take into account the reaction of the offender. It’s clear that you can’t get into someone else’s soul, it’s your own and it’s dark. But still, try to understand: he himself is in pain, he is embarrassed, confused, lost, blames himself and tries to fix everything? Or does he not see anything special in what is happening, and certainly does not repent?

There is one more important point that must be taken into account when making a decision. Are you able to forgive - that is the question. This is much more difficult than it seems. Not everyone is able to sincerely not remember grievances, continue to see the good in a person and believe him.

Ask yourself: can I forget what happened? Of course, this episode can be completely erased from memory only if there is a history of sclerosis or amnesia. That's not what this is about. And about whether you can not remember, not return to this every day in conversations, not hint, not tease, not reproach. Do not replay what happened in your own memory, finding more and more reasons for resentment there. Don’t accumulate disappointment in your soul so that at the slightest reason you can summarize: “Well, there you go! I knew it!" Will you be able to say to yourself: “What happened is past, we must move on with our lives!”

After all, the pain is sometimes so strong that it is impossible to “get over it.” The wound does not crust over and does not scar. Then, no matter what the guilty person does, no matter how hard he tries to make amends for his guilt, he fails.

You can lose trust in five minutes. But to win... Doubt in a loved one is such a heavy thing that even the most long-term relationships can collapse and fall apart under this incredible weight. The fear that a loved one, without flinching, will betray you again, lie to your face again, is capable of knocking the support out from under your feet.

For someone who begins to suspect a loved one of deception, a kind of concrete mixer turns on in their head. Thoughts go and go in circles - and with each new turn new details are mixed in with them. As a thinking being, you begin to scrupulously analyze long-past events. The nasty little fly grows to the size of a huge elephant, and there is no way to reverse the process.

Doubts hidden at the bottom of the soul can make themselves felt literally at any moment, starting to gnaw at you over the most insignificant reason.

As a result, in every word, meaningless act, innocent incident, a secret, hidden meaning is seen. Little things are given a different, menacing meaning, reservations grow to the size of insults, and a silent cell phone turns into indisputable evidence of treason.

Mistrust kills, and additional torment is caused by the thought that there is still no absolute certainty of deception.

This means that there is a possibility that, by making false accusations against an honest person, you are trampling on sincere feelings and disposition towards you...

Only those who have been through this at least once understand the value of peace of mind and peace of mind.

As a result, the situation can be resolved in a hundred different ways: you can get tired of suspicions, they can be confirmed, or, at best, dissipate. One thing is for sure: just as you can’t be a little pregnant, you can’t trust half. Either there is trust or there is not.

If he still doesn’t exist, then does it make sense to continue the relationship? It would probably be more correct to try not to see, not to hear, not to contact. Perhaps someday, after thinking carefully, you will be able to calm down and “thaw out.” Time, they say, heals everything.

The main thing is not to let one action become the yardstick by which you will begin to measure relationships with people for the rest of your life. Don't start a crusade against all of humanity if one person once failed to live up to your expectations.

Unfortunately, lying has to some extent become the norm. Everyone, without exception, deceives each other. Only some people do this extremely rarely and in special circumstances (for good, as they say), while others practice deception every day and hourly. Gradually, this behavior becomes a habit and becomes a way of life. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a big lie or a small one, the main thing is that lies are constantly being told. And this is very sad. The fox man cannot be completely happy a priori.

"Do not lie to me!" - this is what those who have forgotten how to trust and build strong, sincere relationships say to each other. In fact, such a manifestation as a lie is always reciprocal. If you deceive a person, get ready for the fact that your relationship with him will completely deteriorate, and he will also begin to hide an important component of his life from you. The article will tell you why a person lies, what are the reasons and consequences of this phenomenon.

Defense reaction

Sometimes a person is forced to provide false information about himself. And she does this not at all to offend another, but simply cannot express her individuality in a certain environment. This happens because the so-called defense reaction is triggered. That is, during the conversation, a person’s internal mechanisms turn on, and he begins to tell lies. Why do people lie in this case? The answer is simple: in order not to seem stupid, make a positive impression. Sometimes a person feels so tense among his peers, colleagues and even relatives that he has to come up with various stories in order to skillfully hide the truth about himself. He just thinks she's unsightly.

What could this behavior lead to? To aggravate the situation, to the fact that the person will soon not be able to do without the help of lies. Deception will become a necessary tool of communication. Is it necessary to say that any lie undermines human relationships and deprives them of trust?

Diffidence

She always accompanies any liar. Why a person lies is not difficult to understand. He lacks the courage to express himself as clearly and directly in communication as his heart desires. If a person constantly lies, then he should understand the reasons for what is happening and talk frankly with himself. As a rule, behind the deliberate concealment of individual circumstances of life lies the intention to find happiness and become a complete person. Only the path to achieve it was chosen completely wrong. You cannot find friends if you are a cold and selfish person who thinks only about himself.

Insecure people often provoke others to quarrel and publicly notice their weaknesses and shortcomings. In fact, by doing so they emphasize their own weakness and signify their inability to find inner harmony in their soul. If such behavior is assigned to an individual, then she risks being left completely alone for a long time. The big lie leads to inevitable isolation. Who enjoys communicating with someone who constantly puts others down, ridicules and gossips?

The desire to appear stronger

Sometimes people lie to avoid forming a false opinion about themselves. They simply do not want to be considered weak and weak-willed. Therefore, in any difficult situation, they care, rather, not about resolving it, but about ensuring that no one thinks badly of them. The desire to impress is dictated by an internal fear of shame, and therefore they begin to demonstratively spread lies around themselves. Deception becomes their way of interacting with others. If a person constantly communicates like this, then soon he himself will no longer be able to distinguish truth from fiction, and will become entangled in his own made-up stories. You cannot demand from a person: “Don’t lie to me!” This is the choice of everyone.

Fear of judgment

When a friend or relative deceives you, not in all cases you will be able to notice it and take the necessary measures to neutralize this phenomenon. The first question that arises is: “Why does a person lie?” He must be very afraid that by telling the truth, he will not show his best side, demonstrating weakness and uncertainty. For many so-called strong people, this is like death. The fear of condemnation sits deep in their subconscious and often guides all conscious actions. Such a person is unlikely to allow himself anything extra, even if she really wants it.

If a person gets used to deceiving in society in order to make the right impression, then gradually his action becomes automatic. And now the person lies simply because it is more convenient than telling the truth. Tell me, why bother explaining something to your interlocutor when you can use the usual form of communication and demonstrate your imaginary worth?

Ignorance of your individuality

Each of us is, of course, unique and unrepeatable. Everyone has individual abilities, talents, goals in life. Only those who do not know their true essence are forced to rush through life in search of consolation and reassurance. Therefore, one has to resort to lies in order to prevent the realization of one’s own worthlessness.

This person does not try to look for his own individual path, but prefers to adapt to the opinions of others. It is impossible to achieve much with this approach. Yes, work colleagues, friends, acquaintances may be satisfied, but their own dreams and aspirations will be lost forever.

Distrust of others

This is perhaps the most serious reason why a person lies. When a person cannot openly express his thoughts because he is afraid of being misunderstood or ridiculed, a very serious problem arises. A person begins to hide his best aspirations and goals and does not realize his brightest dreams in life. Sincerity becomes impossible. So a situation arises when a person is simply forced to use deception in communication, even if it is disgusting to him. Of course, such an interaction can by no means be called truthful.

If a person gets used to constantly putting on a mask, then over time he begins to dissemble in front of himself. How does this happen? Self-deception is most often expressed in justifying one’s own mistakes.

How can you tell if a person is lying?

There are several characteristic signs that allow you to determine that your interlocutor is telling a lie. Firstly, he carefully hides his eyes from you. There is an unpleasant moment in a conversation when it seems as if he does not hear you or does not understand you. Secondly, the person starts fiddling with some piece of clothing to hide his excitement. He can endlessly straighten his hair or glance at his watch as if he is late for something. Thirdly, a liar always gives himself away by touching his own nose during a conversation. Why is he doing this? This is where the unconscious manifests itself.

Thus, a lie leads to the breakdown of all existing relationships and does not allow a person to live happily.

How offensive it can sometimes be if you find out that a loved one is deceiving. No, this does not mean treason, but “everyday” lies, both big and small. This is especially true for men. Why is this happening? In reality, every man has his own reasons for lying. But this is an unpleasant symptom: if a person is lying, it means he has it.

Lies are unpleasant for everyone. But sometimes the reason for this is the desire to protect a loved one from worries.

Women and men have different natures. But this knowledge does not reduce the number. Often we fail to agree on something. But different situations happen, and the reason for separation is often a lie on the part of a man. If we look at the root of the problem, then the stronger sex tends to conceal and distort information. But still, the reasons why they do this are different.

Early stage of relationship

At the early stage of a relationship, a man tries to score more points in your eyes with the help of lies. He lies about his own status. It happens that a guy calls himself a deputy director of a company, but in reality he is a deputy. on the economic side, that is, the caretaker. Or he says that he works as a manager, but in reality he is a salesman.

Men sometimes don't tell the whole truth. Situations where guys outright lie about something don’t happen that often. For example, he works as a driver for the general director, but he tells everyone that he is the general director. Heartthrobs, in order to seduce a girl, introduce themselves as writers, producers, directors. It happens that men lie about their age. Usually, when meeting people on the Internet.

Sometimes the stronger sex lies about some details of their own biography. He says that he has a higher education, but in fact he dropped out of college after the 2nd year. Or he says that he lives on his own in his own apartment, but ends up renting a room in a communal apartment.

But all such data can be verified. And when people come closer, they will sooner or later float to the surface. What do the stronger sex count on? First of all, men want to impress the ladies; they believe that once you become a couple, the truth will no longer scare you. But this approach doesn't work. Women are angry at the very fact of lying.

Fear of consequences

It happens that it is fear of the consequences of some action that makes a man lie. He is afraid that his behavior will cause anger or some kind of “sanctions”. For this reason, the stronger sex prefers to keep certain points silent or lie.

A typical example is when a guy does not tell the true amount of his salary, does not report bonuses, because in this case he will have to spend the money together, and he dreams of saving money for his pleasures. Some representatives of the stronger sex lie about spending their free time. He reports that he was at a meeting and was drinking beer with friends. Men often keep their communications with women (even official ones) secret, so as not to give rise to jealousy. But this will have the opposite effect.

Of course, lies about social status, wealth, or some event come to light sooner or later. And what makes you angry and upset is not the fact of what happened, but the fact that the person lied.

This can be explained by the fact that the young man does not want to spoil his relationship with you. It seems to him that having learned the truth, you will pour negativity on him. That’s why it’s more convenient for him to lie.

Lies and freedom

Men believe that lying gives them freedom. Most often unmarried people sin like this, but married people also do this. Such a representative of the stronger sex lies to a woman even in small things. He says on the phone that he is still on duty, and he is heading home. Or he says that he will have to work on weekends when he goes to visit his mother. What's wrong with this? But he doesn’t want to tell the truth.

If you notice that a person is lying without any particular motive, then he wants to get some freedom and not allow you to limit it. Lying gives you a chance to not feel in control. What to do in this case? , ask about the reasons. If you trust each other, there will be no need for lies.

Some facts about lying

Let's look at some interesting facts about lying:

• the average person lies from 3 to 8 times throughout the day (about matters in the family, at work);
• not telling everything does not mean deceiving. You should not tell your mother all the nuances about problems in the family or at work;

The bitter truth does not always bring benefits to relationships. Some points are worth remaining silent about.

• the truth even harms. Never tell your significant other about fans or lovers. There's no way;
• Women’s lies are more difficult to recognize, since the fair sex carefully invents them and prepares for them;
• On average, the stronger sex lies 5 times more than the weaker sex. And men are prone to exaggeration;
• Representatives of the fairer sex are better at microfacial expressions; they intuitively sense lies.

There are many reasons for lying. But it’s up to you to decide how to feel about this. The main thing is that this does not go far and does not develop into constant deception. Talk to your significant other, discuss the reasons and problems. Only complete trust will allow you to protect your relationship from lies.

Lying is never pleasant. But it’s one thing if a stranger lies to you, whom you will never see again, and quite another if the liar is your beloved man.

How to understand the situation and stop your spouse from lying? And is the “game worth the candle”?

• First of all, you need to understand why your spouse is lying. Possible reasons are “wagon and trolley”, but once you find out the main one, you will understand how to deal with this scourge. Lying may turn out to be part of a man (there are such dreamers for whom lying is an integral part of life), or he is simply afraid to be frank with you, or he answers you in the same coin.
• Is he lying only to you or to everyone? If only for you, then the reason should be sought in your relationship. Think about whether your family has enough mutual trust - and? Maybe you are not too honest with your spouse?
• Does he lie to everyone? And doesn't blush? It is almost impossible to rehabilitate a pathological liar. The only option is to find the true cause of his problem and, after talking seriously with his husband, make joint efforts to combat this addiction. Most likely, it will be impossible to do without the help of a specialist.
• Are you putting too much pressure on your spouse? Excessive control over a man has never benefited the family boat - often wives themselves push their halves to lie. If a tired man, on the way home, went with a friend to a cafe and diluted the dinner with a little alcohol, and his wife was already waiting for him at the front door with the traditional “Oh, you…”, then the spouse will automatically lie that he didn’t drink anything, that he was late at a meeting, or was forced to “sip a little” because “corporate ethics require it.” This also happens when the wife is too jealous. “A step to the left means execution” will make every man howl. And it’s good if he just lies so that you don’t get yourself worked up over trifles again. It's worse if he actually takes a step to the left, tired of being accused of something he never did. Remember: a man also needs rest and at least a little free space.
• He is afraid of offending you. For example, he says that this dress suits you very well, although he thinks otherwise. He theatrically admires a new batch of knitted bunnies or smacks his lips over a plate of soup with excessive enthusiasm. If this is your case, then it makes sense to be happy - your man loves you too much to say that there is nowhere to put rabbits, you still haven’t learned how to cook, and it’s time to buy a dress a couple sizes larger. Are you annoyed by such “sweet” lies? Just talk to your spouse. Make it clear that you are quite an adequate person to calmly accept constructive criticism.
• You are too critical of your spouse. Perhaps in this way he is trying to be more successful in your eyes (he slightly overestimates his own achievements). Let go of the reins. Be supportive of your loved one. Learn to accept it as fate gave it to you. Be objective and constructive in your criticism - do not abuse it. And even more so, you shouldn’t compare your significant other with more successful men.
• Lying about little things? Starting from the weight of the caught pike and ending with grandiose army tales? Never mind. Men tend to slightly exaggerate their achievements or even invent them out of the blue. Your “weapon” in this case is humor. Treat your spouse's quirks with irony. It is unlikely that these fables will interfere with your family life. Better yet, support your husband in this game of his - maybe he lacks your faith in him or the feeling of his worth.
• The spouse lies constantly, and the lies affect the relationship. If your other half comes home after midnight with lipstick on his collar, and convinces you that the “flying party has gone on for too long” (and with other serious symptoms), it’s time to have a serious conversation. Most likely, your relationship has suffered a deep crack, and it’s no longer about how to stop him from lying, but about why the family boat is sinking. By the way, .
• Cards on the table? If lies become a wedge in your relationship, then yes - you cannot pretend that you do not notice his lies. Dialogue is mandatory, and without it the situation will only get worse. If the lie is harmless and limited to the size of the pike, then conducting an interrogation with bias and demanding sincerity “otherwise it’s a scam” is unproductive and pointless.
• Want to teach a lesson? Conduct a “mirror” experiment. Show your spouse how he looks in your eyes by responding in the same way. Lie brazenly and without a twinge of conscience - demonstratively, openly and on every occasion. Let him change places with you at least for a little while. As a rule, such a demonstrative “démarche” works better than requests and exhortations.

What to do in the end?

It all depends on the scale and reasons for the lie. Exaggeration and fantasy are not a reason even for frowning brows (It’s unlikely that this bothered you when you walked in a wedding dress to the Mendelssohn march).

But a serious lie is a reason to reconsider your relationship. Dialogue is extremely important and recommended - after all, it is quite possible that the issue of mistrust, which is hidden under daily lies, can be easily resolved.

It's another matter if indifference is hidden underneath - here, as a rule, even a heart-to-heart conversation does not help.

Have there been similar situations in your family life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!

Wherever you find deception, and in whatever form you find it, people often hide behind it and use it, being unable to act differently, since they do not see the possibility of being in a winning situation without deceiving others. It would, of course, be wrong to condemn or speak negatively about deception; after all, lying has always been a part of people’s lives, and the more skillfully a person lies, the higher he can rise in life, not always and not everywhere, but often this is precisely So. However, there is an opportunity to rise in life, and without resorting to deception, maybe lying a little, since not everyone is ready to accept the truth among their moral and mental characteristics, but not through outright deception. True, in any of its forms, it is also not always appropriate; on the one hand, as we know, it is often subjective in nature, and on the other, it is simply inappropriate. However, I personally have always disliked all ways of deceiving people, for the simple reason that this is the lot of the weak and stupid.

And now, for me, any lie evokes contempt, because it is used very crookedly and toothlessly, sometimes trying to deceive in such a primitive way that it is frankly annoying. But people can look at lies through the prism of their stereotypes, you know how many people like to claim that if you don’t lie, you won’t live. And it’s true, they who claim this will not live unless they are deceived. Only now, if we are honest about this statement, at least for ourselves, then we should admit that if a fool does not deceive, he will not live, because not only does he not know how, but he is not going to find out about it. The fool is afraid of the truth, because he does not know what to do with it. That is why the road to power in our country is paved through lies, because lies are needed by weak and stupid people, who themselves want to live in a world of illusions; such people are controlled, and smarter and more cunning people mainly build their power on them. I have long come to the conclusion that in this world honesty in its pure form is impossible, while most people are weak, they themselves cannot make their lives good without any lies, and they also demand it in relation to themselves, because they are unable to accept the truth where they are exactly who they are from an objective point of view.

There are no fundamental laws by which we could assert the correctness or incorrectness of lies and truth, there is only the world that a person has drawn for himself. And as you and I see, in this world, often deception, intentional and sometimes terribly primitive, gives some people an advantage over other people. By resorting to lies, people gain an advantage over those who are unable to recognize it, thereby making their way over other people's heads. Initially, while studying the principles of managing people in power, I saw the cynicism of power in its deception of the people, and this prompted me to point out this deception to people. But then, I became more mature and more understanding when I came to the conclusion that people themselves crave to be deceived, they cannot live without it, they do not need the real world, in which people act who are not at all favorable to a weak person laws. And this gave rise to a general ideology that lying is an excellent means of survival, both in terms of using it for one’s own purposes and in relation to its use against oneself. They say that honesty will leave a person without trousers, but what kind of honesty are we talking about, what kind of truth, in which a person loses?

For me, the truth is that if a person deceives, and thereby gains something for himself, then he simply does not have the intelligence not to deceive and still benefit, this is the truth. In the world of big business, where there are practically no suckers as such, where people are realists and will not allow themselves to be deceived just like that, they are able to negotiate in such a way that both sides remain winners. Let's just say that people with intelligence share the good in direct proportion to their very mind, but lies are used in inverse proportion to a person's mental abilities. It is obvious that a person with greater strength and power, according to the laws of this world, should have a slightly more privileged position than one who is weaker. Understanding this, smart people come to an agreement or not, for example, business sometimes does not reach an agreement with the authorities, after which individuals flee abroad. Consequently, it is not so much deception that should take place in an agreement between two actually smart people, but rather a competent assessment of each other’s capabilities and, as a result, the most sober approach to a compromise.

Either/or, this does not apply to lying, either I will lie, or I will have nothing. Why not consider a situation in which you won't lie, but won't lose anything? Moreover, such a formulation of the question solves some problems that arise during life, for the long term. We see deception everywhere, today and always it has been, and this deception is the result of a large number of weak people who do not know how to give, who only know how to take, take away, ask, demand. And yet, despite this, honesty is also not uncommon, isn’t it, let’s say I don’t use all sorts of psychological tricks to manipulate my readers, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading something unusual in my articles and what is unusual for you, but what you want to read. If all people were weak, or their moral principles did not consider lies from a negative point of view, I am afraid, friends, our lives would turn into a nightmare. On the news they like to tell us about negative manifestations of human behavior, on the one hand, this is in demand by the people themselves, since they show interest in negativity, which means they need it, and on the other hand, it is necessary to keep people in excitement so that they do not relax.

So they tell us about the lawlessness of doctors, about medical errors, they talk about the crimes of the police, about the lawlessness of officials, and so on and so forth. One gets the impression that we live in a complete hell, in which we cannot trust anyone and in which it is very dangerous to be honest ourselves. You really shouldn’t trust anyone, not because there are no people you can trust without negative consequences for yourself, but because we cannot see the whole inside of a person, even if we know psychology well and have a lot of life experience. There is no need to be honest either, this is very stupid, you just need to be a realist, a person who understands who is in front of him and how to behave with him. Whether a person will deceive you or not is unknown, but this is not the main thing, the main thing is just to know that we do not live in hell, that not all people lie, they fib - yes, it happens, but they do not lie, like little children. Of course, amid all this abundance of lies that surrounds us, we tend to be more wary than to a relaxed state, when we have faith in good people, so to speak, we don’t need kind people, we need smart people.

There is no need for kindness, no need for honesty, just be strong, then there will be no need to hide your true desires and intentions behind stupid and primitive lies designed for outright idiots. I personally know doctors who honestly did and are doing their job, saving people from death, I know police officers who honestly do their job and really protect the peace of citizens, and I know the president who, having come to power, raised the country from its knees, and in overall improved people's lives. Compared to the previous president, weak and stupid, this president is strong and smart, but he does not tell the truth to the people, because the people are not ready for it, and do not know what to do with this truth. But this president does not act like a weak person who deceives solely for his own good, as many tend to do, he is, let’s say, more humanistic, not because of higher morality, but because of a higher level of personal development. However, the very system he controls is false and aimed at exploiting the majority by the few.

When I see deception that is obvious to me, it disgusts me, not because it is deception as such, I understand that people want to use the trust of other people for their own purposes, for our life this intention is natural and to some extent even justified , given the recklessness of the majority. But I believe that the weakness of people who exclusively use this method to achieve something and come to something, without thinking about the consequences, does not deserve respect. I am not going to condemn anyone, this is exclusively my position in life, and I understand that everyone lives to the best of their abilities, one lies, another lies, the third may not be absolutely sincere, but, in any case, does not lie blatantly, and who -he always and everywhere tells the truth, albeit his own, but the truth. The last one is also wrong. There is nowhere in this life without deception, but it should not be total, this is obvious, otherwise our life will become simply unbearable. I clearly see in total deception the weakness and baseness of the person who uses it, since you need to deceive only when there is nothing else left, and not when you want to. After all, the deceiver clearly shows everyone that he does not know how to interact with people otherwise and most likely does not want to, which already indicates that he has a rather limited view of life.

Sometimes, seeing how people try to deceive and use me, believing that I don’t see it, it certainly irritates me, sometimes even insults me, but it doesn’t surprise me. What can I say, in front of me in such cases, there are simply weak people who are unable to solve their problems and make their dreams come true, not through deception, but through mutually beneficial cooperation. They want a one-sided benefit where you get and get, but give absolutely nothing in return. With this approach to life, a person will be able to surround himself only with not very smart people who can be constantly deceived and those who will also constantly deceive him. Deception is a good weapon, but a very bad tool for friendship and cooperation. Therefore, it is not necessary and can be applied to everyone.

A person should not be condemned for wanting to deceive others. No one has to be what we want them to be for ourselves. But I don’t consider it necessary to indulge such weakness and sometimes even stupidity, which is why I will never sincerely help those who set themselves the goal of achieving something from me solely through deception. By deceiving, a person essentially commits violence against the one whom he is deceiving, and who will like it when a violent action is committed against him, and even such a rotten one that you don’t suffer from it so much as it stinks. And if you see when they lie to you, then this is exactly how it turns out, you simply become disgusted or irritated. After all, not only does a person not find the strength to resolve his issues honestly with you, but he is also too stupid to lie properly, and in general to understand who can lie to and who cannot. So he stinks of disgusting rotten meat, reflecting the baseness of his character, which is the time to deceive him himself, playing along with him a little. This apparently has formed in me recently an extremely negative attitude towards lies, namely the understanding that lies are intended for people who are narrow-minded in life, living in a world of illusions, and you are considered just such a narrow-minded person when they blatantly lie to you.

But all this is visible, all these childish manipulations, all these cheap tricks that people use, and therefore you want to deal with serious, adult people who are responsible for their words. The great thinkers of the human race pointed to the unconsciousness of people, in which they do all those acts that are bad for themselves, without completely understanding what they are doing. I completely and completely agree with this, I would only add to this the weakness of people as a reason that encourages them to commit actions that are not the most reasonable for themselves. Some of my childhood friends moved into the world of crime, in which, of course, there is also deception, but unlike the legal world, so to speak, there deception is judged much more strictly. Many people do not live to see their old age, only because they do not want to interact with other people on equal terms, in such a way as not to be rats, in order to honestly fulfill their obligations. A person can live happily and in abundance, and at the same time not deceive other people, I declare this with full responsibility. I won’t say that I myself am completely frank, there is no need for this, because there are no prerequisites for this, who needs what kind of truth, people themselves don’t know this and I see it. But using dirty and primitive methods of manipulation is completely unacceptable for me.

Firstly, you can’t really get much from it, unless you start from short-term goals, which you and I have seen and are seeing. The same “MMM” lined its pockets quite well thanks to people’s trust, but we know how it all ended, because high-ranking people had their eyes on this feeding trough, they saw where the dog was buried, so they closed the shop. And therefore, if you consider your goals in the long term, then there is no point in lying, because over time the lie will reveal itself. Secondly, who can we deceive, unless, to put it mildly, very smart people, who themselves are largely to blame for being deceived. It is impossible to deceive an intelligent person; he can only allow you to do this in a number of certain circumstances, or at his own peril and risk, having first assessed this risk for himself, consciously trusting you. Then an intelligent person can be deceived, just like a conscious person who sees everything, notices everything, understands everything perfectly, but does not resist the stupidity of the one who is trying to deceive him. It is obvious that the losers will be the one who deceives, because he is already turning people against himself, smart people, to be more precise, they will not let him off the hook.

And therefore, I don’t want to limit my audience to exclusively narrow-minded and gullible people in this regard, I want to deal with smart people, and the smarter they are than me, the better, for me this is God’s grace. Communicating with people who are much smarter than me is the best thing in the life of a person who wants to grow. Such people will not pay attention to an outright liar, he will seem to them a fool and a weak person, and since I have set myself the goal of teaching people to be strong, then is it really possible in this case to hide behind a lie and be weak yourself? Many adults can see teenagers’ lies without any problems; experience alone makes it possible to see their deception, while teenagers themselves naively believe that their lies are impeccable. Adults can also be very obvious in their lies; if you are a sufficiently intelligent person, if you are familiar with psychology, then any lie, no matter how sophisticated, will be visible to you. You will even be able to understand the motives of this lie, you will be able to see the goals that the liar pursues, you will even be able to look at the world through his eyes, understanding all his weaknesses. Deception not only gives out modified information, it also helps to understand what a person wants to hide and why he wants to hide it.

Extreme attentiveness and observation, total presence in every moment, which we actually call awareness, allow us to see all types of deception, all its baseness. You don’t have to be educated and well-read, you don’t even have to know psychology, except perhaps only very superficially, in order to be as attentive and therefore aware as possible, to see all the deception around you, and the weakness that it hides. This is how I taught my wife to see deception, because before I simply told her that this is not true or that, but you can’t teach something, you need to put a fishing rod in a person’s hands so that he himself can try to catch a fish. And so I taught her to be extremely attentive and observant, to notice all the subtleties and flaws in the observed material or person, to wonder about the motives and purposes present in the material being studied or in the speech of another person. Afterwards I asked her what conclusions she came to by studying the words of people, written or seen in her life. Her assessment of deception, as information that hides true intentions, as information that deliberately does not reflect reality, was impeccable, although she was only superficially familiar with psychology.

This indicates that in order to deceive a person, it is necessary to make him susceptible to deception, he must be inattentive, hold unnatural beliefs about trust in people, in general be weak in order to be willing to be deceived, in general he must be inadequate and I think he's not a real person. A real person will not look at the world through the screen of illusions generated by his weakness, there is no point in plunging into this world of illusions in order to survive, he is quite capable of surviving in the real world. Do you think politicians deceive people, no, they don't, they just find deception in people's heads, telling people what they want to hear, what resonates in their minds, and everyone seems to be happy with it. I’ll tell you this, you want to grow above yourself, you want to learn something, you want to become stronger and achieve something, then look for a person with whom you will feel uncomfortable, who will tell you not what you want to hear, but , which will irritate you, frighten you, and destroy your beliefs. Well, why the hell do you need chatter that puts you to sleep, that finds acceptance and peace within you, you want to grow, and for this you need something new, heavier, sobering, disgusting and even stupid, which is not so easy to perceive, since it is new, straightens your point of view towards reality.

No one will be able to deceive you if you don’t want it, if you yourself are interested in reality, and not in the illusions that we are all fed with today, convincing us of false justice, false freedom, false love and other false beliefs. . There is no good in all these illusions, there is a crookedly laid out social worldview conviction, adhering to which people do nothing but paint unrealistic pictures for each other, thereby limiting their own possibilities. For example, boys and girls confess their love to each other, even having no idea what it is - love, driven by the growing sexual instinct, they hide their desires with their understanding of love. It’s not love that you have, my friends, you want sex, but love must be felt by other organs and understood, such a feeling does not arise at first sight, only passion arises at first sight. Businessmen deceive the people, and sometimes so cynically that the state, as a more or less responsible organization represented by the most reasonable people, it must be admitted, has to regulate the relationship between ordinary people and business. And in general, in what ways are we full of deception, if you look closely at our lives? Obviously, this is any relationship between people in which you and I, as “reasonable” and “responsible” beings, try to deceive each other for our own benefit. But is this how we should build relationships among ourselves? Is it beneficial for us to lie to each other?

In every niche in this life, there will always be someone, there will be people playing the role of thieves, murderers, the role of the dregs of society, the role of politicians and the role of workers, the role of masters and the role of slaves. And each role needs its own reassurance, it needs its own screen of lies, through which they contemplate this world in a way convenient for themselves. I have presented to you my ideology of attitude towards deception, which is not limited to weak and base manifestations of human nature. This ideology originates from those goals that cannot be achieved if you do not follow certain beliefs, in which lying is the lot of weak and stupid people. If we want to be strong, no matter who you are and where you are, I want to be strong, and if you too, if you are with me, then deception cannot be for you and me the cover it serves for the weak and stupid. Those who need lies, let them take it in abundance, there are plenty of people who want to give it to them, but being in a circle of strong and smart people, we cannot use those techniques in relation to each other, noticing which we can immediately put an end to a person as a fool and a weakling , unwilling to cooperate. We need lies for enemies who define themselves as such, do not come to my house with a sword, and I will not consider you an enemy, do not try to deceive me, and I will not see in you a pathetic and insignificant creature, which I will then deceive myself. In this regard, I remember the words, if I’m not mistaken, of Sun Tzu: war is the path of deception, and deception is the path of war. The one who deceives us challenges us and we simply have no choice but to go on the warpath.

Isn’t this position reasonable, from the point of view of the capabilities of each of us, because having fucked a person once, you can then expect a similar answer from him in your address. Cunning and deception, as you know, are good precisely in war, where there is an enemy who must be deceived if you want to defeat him. But I think many of us want to live not like in war, but like people live in peacetime, where they cooperate and interact with each other, without holding a blade behind their back. People fight when they cannot reach an agreement, when they cannot resolve their issues and disagreements peacefully, they lack intelligence, so they have to fight. And in a war there will definitely be a loser and a winner, and the loser in this case will be a fool, since he did not see that he would lose and did not resolve his issues with the opposite side peacefully. A person can use deception as his weapon, then he must understand all the consequences of its use, because he thereby violates the peace, which means either he or him, and if a person’s assessment of his capabilities was not objective of the situation, he will become a victim of his own deception . In fact, in this case, a person will die from his own sword, because by using deception in relation to someone who did not deceive you, you thereby encourage him to have a negative attitude towards you.

If you rely on deception and do not look for opportunities to have an equal relationship with a person who does not need it, then deception will be more harmful than useful to the one who resorted to it - this must be understood. Yes, if there are suckers who, due to their laziness and weakness, do not want to live in the real world, then, as one of my friends said, why not cut their hair? But you have to be a very smart person to understand who you can feed a spoonful of lies to, and who to do this is fraught with consequences, not everyone has the ability to understand people, but many people like to deceive. As I already said, deception not only allows you to make a person’s life luxurious, which is why many unscrupulous people use it to achieve their goals, but it also does not allow you to meet old age if it is used incorrectly. However, the truth also often shortens life. Therefore, you need to be able to use both. I do not consider myself, of course, to tell each of you what to do, whether to deceive other people or not; I am not so selfish and unreasonable as to do this. Many tend to consider all criticism of base human manifestations as a means of keeping the lower classes in obedience. Although if you look closely at the impact of deception on these lower strata, it is obvious that it is the deception used by people against each other that interferes with the high organization of people from the lower strata.

Be reasonable in your choice, have an understanding of what your capabilities are based on when you make it, because an exclusively selfish approach to forming your choice will have a negative impact on the person who adheres to it, unless of course he is a genius of deception. And if you really want to deceive, not to lie, but to deceive, then learn how to do it properly first, politicians are your example in this case. After all, if you want to use lies as a weapon that can make you stronger, because it will allow you to mislead those whom you have identified as your enemies and whom you want to bypass, then learn to control this weapon. If your life is a war, with a clear definition of who your enemy is, then of course deception will help you. But in times of peace, there cannot be a lie, because it creates enemies, and if there is a lie, if people deceive each other, then this is not peace, this is war.

Maxim Vlasov

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Trust is a feeling of comfort and complete security next to a person. If you have lost this feeling, first you need to decide whether your relationship is worth spending time and energy on. Trust between people can only be restored if both sincerely want it.

If your relationship has a chance and you believe in it, you should try to fix it. The main thing is to find the strength to forgive your loved one. These tips will help.

1. Understand that forgiveness takes time.

This may take months or even years. If after a few days a person hopes that you will forget everything, it means that he does not realize what pain he caused you.

However, if a loved one really wants to correct the situation, then you should not constantly remind him of the mistake. Make it clear that you need time to think and sort out your feelings. And if you manage to forgive him, do not perceive the offense as an ace in the hole with which you can manipulate this person in the future.

2. Wait for a sincere apology.

If a loved one made a mistake and realizes his guilt, he will ask you for forgiveness. A sincere apology should not sound like this: “I’m sorry, but it only happened once.” These are the words of someone who is trying to justify his behavior and present himself in a favorable light.

Such an apology or even an attempt to blame you for the current situation is unlikely to make you believe in the sincerity of the feelings of the offender. Hearing from a loved one: “Come on, this is nonsense,” you will harbor resentment deep inside, and someday it will burst out.

A sincere apology is an acceptance of responsibility, remorse for your pain and a desire to improve.

3. Make sure the person is predictable and reliable

Trust in a relationship is based on three pillars: predictability, reliability and confidence. To ensure that a person is predictable and reliable, it is necessary to observe his behavior after making a mistake and apologizing. If he is not secretive or selfish, but open and honest with you, then he can regain your trust. If, even after his offense, he does not fulfill his promises and throws words to the wind, it means that he is not fully aware of his guilt.

Don't be silent and tell the person what you expect from him.

Determine together what needs to be fixed. The person himself is responsible for his behavior, but both should discuss the current situation.

The offender must sincerely desire to correct what he has done. Proof of this will be his actions, which are aimed at improving your relationship and gaining your trust.

4. Focus on the present moment

After a loved one has been deceived or offended, it seems that trust can no longer be regained. Perhaps you do not dare to live here and now, but are in the past or looking to the future.

Constantly reminding yourself of unpleasant things or worrying about the future of your relationship will only make the situation worse.

If you catch yourself thinking such thoughts, try to return to. Take a closer look at how a person behaves right now. Soberly assess your current situation and your relationship with him.

5. Take the plunge

Gaining confidence in a person is the most difficult and important part of the process of rebuilding trust. Confidence is the belief that a person will love and respect you.

To make sure of this, you need to take a bold step and become vulnerable. Then you will understand whether your loved one is capable of letting you down again. Otherwise, you may not have a chance to test whether you can trust him completely.

To make sure that you are completely safe around this person, you must give him a certain degree of freedom. If a person sincerely wants to correct his mistake, he will not hurt you again.