If the son does not talk to his mother. My adult son does not want to communicate with me

The question is relevant for many parents (a question from Tatyana, a reader of our blog). Indeed, it often happens that children grow up, go into adulthood and stop paying attention to their parents, and some are not interested in their life at all. Of course, this is not entirely normal, to put it mildly. But, like any problem, this phenomenon also has its root causes, which we will consider in this article.

When you observe a situation that children, roughly speaking, “do not give a damn” about their parents who are no longer young, who can’t always take care of themselves, especially in old age, this causes at least sadness and regret, and often contempt for such ungrateful children overgrown. But this is a fact that many parents have to put up with if they do not know how to influence the situation and change it for the better.

There is another side to this issue! It must be said that quite often it is the parents, their inappropriate behavior towards their children, that is the reason for such a detachment of their children. And in order to change the situation and return the love and attention of your children, you must first of all start working on yourself for the parents themselves!

Reasons why children do not want to communicate with their parents

1. The obsession of parents, their excessive guardianship- often they are direct violence against the soul of the child, psychological pressure that absolutely no one likes! In this case, the child, small or large, will try to escape from such “care”. And right! Otherwise, he simply cannot learn to build his own life on his own.

And the constant pressure from the side of the parent will form in the child a steady rejection of his father or mother, up to hatred.Parents - do you need it?

2. Condemnation of any or many of your child's actions and lifestyle to the point of contempt for him! A parent, if he wants reciprocal gratitude and love from children, should strive to learn to love his children unconditionally and accept them as they are. And do not try to forcibly remake everything in the child that he does not like, showing his disgust, contempt, expressing condemnation in words and behavior. This will form an impenetrable shell, a wall between parent and child! And where there is - there is no love and gratitude, care and trust, warmth and affection!

3. Selfishness of the parents themselves! It usually sounds like this: - “You are an ungrateful pig, we took care of you, gave birth to raised, and you ....”, - when initially the parents have the position that the children now owe them the coffin of life, because they gave birth to them and brought up. Here you need to understand that the care of children, their gratitude can only come from their hearts, from feelings that should be born naturally. Such feelings can only be born as a response to the disinterested love of parents, and not to selfish love, when it seems that parents gave birth only for this, so that later, in old age, their children would nurse them.

Nothing will work out if you are trying to beat out gratitude, respect, love and care for yourself by force, from your children. These high feelings and sincere attitude must be earned by your correct behavior and attitude. By your example of this most sincere love, first of all!

4. Injustice shown in childhood and not only! A good parent should strive to love their children with unconditional love and at the same time try to be an impartial, strict and fair educator. This approach is the best heritage of the most worthy knightly and aristocratic families of the valiant past.

It is difficult for our children (actually any person) to forgive injustice and deceit. If, for example, parents rigidly demand something from the child, but they themselves do not fulfill it in life, this is not an example in this - the child always sees and feels falsehood, and simply, sooner or later, will lose faith in his parents, as in honest and fair people. Then, they will cease to be authorities for him, they will lose the respect of their children and a natural question arises: - "What is the point of communicating with such people?"

5. When children are simply not interested in their parents! Why? This happens when parents, when children appear, completely switch to them and abandon their own lives, that is, they stop taking care of themselves, grow personally, strive for a career, etc. As a result, children outgrow their parents personally, become charismatically, intellectually, energetically stronger than them, and they become not interested with their parents - there is nothing to talk about, there are no common interests, mutual understanding, respectively, is also less and less.

And if parents are progressive people, they care about children and do not forget about themselves, then children, as a rule, will always be interested with them, and respect for such parents is an order of magnitude greater than for those who do not want to achieve anything in life, after how the kids went.

6. When children were not taught to be grateful and appreciate what they have, including parents! Respect is given to the one who respects himself, and gratitude to the one who values ​​himself and his work.

Of course, gratitude and respect must be cultivated, and care for parents too (their value in the lives of children), but do this not intrusively, but by your own example. There is such a wise expression - "The luxury of human communication." Create such a luxury in your family and children will always strive for you, want to communicate and spend time together.

Nobody wants a jar of spiders, right?

What can you do to improve your relationship with your children?

1. On all of the above points, to realize where you were wrong and, first of all, before the Higher Powers that gave you your children. Read more.

3. Take care of yourself, set new goals in life and start developing yourself, start paying attention to your body and yourself!

4. If there are difficult situations in the past, psychological traumas and conflicts, etc., then it is best to work them out with a professional healer. Write to me if you are ripe for such a job, I will give you contacts of a good one.

5. Try to talk to the children, sincerely about everything, to really apologize for your wrong actions in the past. A sincere conversation can always melt the ice of resentment so that new or dormant feelings break through. But, for such a conversation, you need to be ready yourself.

Ecology of life. Psychology: If you decide not to communicate with relatives, then most likely this step was not easy ...

The last time I heard my mother's voice was when she scolded me through the answering machine. Before that, I had not heard from her for several months - this was my third or fourth attempt to stop communicating with my mother, and I learned not to listen to her hurtful voice messages, not to read or open her letters. To ruin my day, it was enough just to hear her muffled excited voice on the answering machine. But it also made me finally convinced that not talking to my mom was still the right thing to do.

If you are reading this, then you know for sure that not communicating with your parents or any other family members may be the right choice for you. Maybe you just avoid contact, maybe you just stopped talking to them yesterday.

Or maybe you are getting closer and closer to the idea of ​​limiting contact with a family member who manipulates, blames, in other words, causes emotional damage to your life, which without all this could be better. It doesn't matter what stage you're at, because you've already received enough feedback from both parents and the world at large about how they feel about your decision to cut contact. Perhaps friends and acquaintances have already told you that you are selfish and think only of yourself and that your parents do not deserve such treatment.

If you google the phrase “do not communicate with parents”, you will most likely find stories that tell either about calm parents who are confused why they were suddenly stopped talking to them, or you will find resources that are designed to create guilt and shame those who decided to stop communicating with their relatives. In general, in one way or another, children are called self-centered and selfish. However, this does not change the essence of the problem. And if you decide not to communicate with relatives, then most likely this step was not easy and, perhaps, you experience a feeling of struggle and pressure every day. But if you decide to do just that, then you should not blame yourself for this. And there are at least 5 reasons for this.

1. You do what is right for you.

I have every reason to believe that you did not come to this decision lightly. We live in a world in which it is sometimes very difficult to cut off contact with a family member, especially a parent. So what this step really means is that your relationship with your parent was so toxic that you simply had no other choice. Of course, some people will not be able to believe this. They cannot even imagine something that can cause a complete rejection of communication with a family member.

But it normal. Your life is not limited to what friends, colleagues or other family members can imagine. Your choice doesn't have to be "suitable" for a neighbor, a best friend. Your choice must be right ONLY for you. Only you know exactly what it's like to be with a person who hurts, labels, or accuses you, only you know the cost of this relationship, and therefore you are the only one whose experience matters in deciding what to do.

2. You are not alone. Just remember that you are not alone.

It may seem that you are the only one with this problem, but it is not. Google will help identify materials about parents with whom children have ceased to communicate, the Internet is teeming with communities that are full of support for people suffering from a toxic relationship with their parents. Including for people who completely cut off contact.

In such communities, people share empathy and this is really a gift of fate, because now I definitely do not regret anything. And I understand that my decision was correct.

A lot of books have been written on this topic (for example, Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward) and it helped me in my decision.

There are also tons of personal essays on parental alienation that can help you feel accepted and not alone. Here is a quote from one girl who described her life in the family and ultimately decided not to have contact with her parents: “It's okay to leave the family. Society tells us that the family is number one in our lives. Parents come first... They could do anything for you and you could do anything for them. But this is not always the case, because they are just people who are not infallible, they are not perfect, they can be bad, and even cruel, toxic, despite the fact that it is your blood. And it's okay to get up and leave a family that makes you uncomfortable. This is fine.”

3. You are the only one who knows what happened (or is happening) to you.

Emotional and manipulative parents often make children question their reality and experiences. Everyone in childhood had a lot of cases that can now be interpreted as problematic behavior of parents “no matter what happens”. And the point is not that “they did everything they could”, but that they traumatized us with events that have not happened yet, but “God forbid that this happened to you!”

But in general emotional control tool, which supposedly warns us against this or that event is called “gaslighting”. And people who have been influenced by this method for many years now no longer communicate with their parents, but nevertheless, sometimes they cannot distinguish real events from far-fetched ones.

In my life, my mother and I were the only people in our house, and any word I said against my mother led to conflict. But my mother did not limit herself to a simple discussion of the problem, she told me that I had a very short memory, that I mixed everything up, forgot, was deceived ... And as a result, at 33, I can hardly trust myself - starting from where I left the keys to moments of interaction with other people.

Of course, not all children who suffered from toxic parents were gaslighted. But many were. Your parents may have done this on purpose, or they may have used this method because they had mental health or other problems that kept them from empathizing with you or seeing the prospect of your development without their participation.

However, your feelings are real. And just because your parents claim they "did the best they could" doesn't mean they actually did - and even if they did their best, doesn't mean you have to be emotionally attached to them to the end. their days. You know better how your relationship with your parents has influenced and affects your present and future.

4. You must find your personal support system

“If you push your family away, then no one will ever love or support you.” This idea is a common threat and is widely used against children who try to cut contact, but this is a real misconception. Therefore, breaking up with toxic parents (and rejecting the toxic/toxic love they offer) can give you access to a life where you can receive true love and support, maybe for the first time.

In my own life, my mother's love held me by the throat; she regularly did everything she could to sabotage my friendships, loves, and professional relationships. Despite her threats that no one would ever take care of me except her, I still took a chance and began to build a life separately. And it allowed me to find real friends and a really loving man.

Your new support system can be anything: friends, a partner, people online or in real life, a psychologist or a psychotherapist - as long as they all help you. By the way, a good psychotherapist is trained to understand things about human relationships that are difficult for ordinary people to understand. And remember: you are not crazy to feel the way you feel, and there will definitely be someone who will be able to understand this.

5. You will be able to talk once

There is good news- your parents may want to try to change your relationship! Hooray!

And the bad news: you initiate contact because you are bored, but each time in communication the wound that brought so much pain will open and you can only save yourself from it by breaking off the relationship again). But it is not a fact that you will need not to communicate with your parents for the rest of your life.

You can use this timeout to calm down, to come to your senses. But it is also worth bearing in mind that if you initiate contact, you may regret it again. The desire to communicate with parents is a natural desire, do not blame yourself if this desire prompts you to do something that is ultimately bad for you.

And although I have kept my mother at a distance for almost 10 years, I regularly re-initiate contact with her - because I worry about her health, because I sometimes feel lonely, because I wanted to see our common dog with whom I grew up. And yes, the situation got out of control almost immediately every time, and I regretted that I tried to return everything again. But we should easily accept ourselves and our desires, especially when things like this happen. It's not your fault that you want to be happy but end up back where you started.

So remember that you are not alone. No one, even if it's the people who gave you life, is entitled to your time and energy if they hurt you. published

Join us at

Another mother, who complained about the taciturnity of modern teenagers, brought two brothers to classes. Once they touched on the topic of computer games, the guys said that a horror game about an abandoned house and a family of zombies had been released: “Now we are looking at reviews - then we plan to buy it.”

It was clear that the topic is catchy, I found a video about the passage of the game. And at two o'clock in the morning I'm sitting in the kitchen, on the screen the head of the zombie family treats the main character with someone's insides, and then attacks him with an ax.

Not the most educational hours of my life, but it was worth it: when during a conversation I mentioned a strange character from the second floor, the look of the brothers instantly changed. Because it suddenly turned out: adults can also be interested in what catches them; adults not only scold these "stupid toys", but can seriously discuss them.

But is it easier to be offended?

True, this takes time: to look at the review, read the comments ... It is much easier to be offended, because “offending” does not interfere with cleaning, washing dishes, mowing the lawn in the country, watching football: turn on the TV - and calmly suffer yourself.

And to be on the same wavelength with them, you need to strain. And you can’t watch a couple of videos in an evening, and then receive dividends until the age of eighteen.

I remember how I heard "Ivan Gay" for the first time in class - I had to watch a dozen videos on his blog. But already next year, this knowledge turned out to be absolutely useless: “What are you, Dmitry, no one is watching Ivan Gaya now!”

Photo source: ya-parent.ru

When the children are not even asked!

Of course, topics are not limited to bloggers and games. A friend says that she and her husband cannot decide where to go on vacation: they choose between Greece and Montenegro.

What does the son think?

He will definitely be better off in Greece.

That is, they did not even try to ask the child, but this is a great topic for conversation. He suggested - they asked, as a result, a day later, the parents received by mail (but what else!) An Excel file in which the son compared two options according to ten criteria and deduced the average scores for each of them.

It is clear that it will not work with everyone, in response to a request to discuss a vacation, you can easily hear: “I don’t care!” But there are other family topics: one of the children will be happy to help you choose a car or a computer, someone will take part in choosing a dress for mom to go to a corporate party. It seems that there is nothing special in these tips, but for some reason, many just forget about the simplest topics.

Just please, don't be squeamish

My dear, tell me, how is your day? What's interesting? What would you like to wear today? (better even, "clothes")

The fact that it does not work, once again I was convinced by the example of doctors. When one of the children gets sick, we invite Dr. Andrey - he instantly finds a common language with the child.

He does not lisp, does not ask how they study and what circles they attend - he initiates a conversation, shows medical devices from a magic suitcase, offers to hold a flashlight, explains how it all works and why it is needed. When the doctor once left for a conference, I had to turn to another doctor. And he began the dialogue with the usual:

And how old are you? Where do you study? What do you like to do?

Yeah, the child was just waiting to tell the unfamiliar bearded uncle about his hobby. Moreover, the doctor is absolutely not embarrassed that he asks the thirty-ninth question, and his patient has not really answered the first one either.

Be interesting to your child

My kids love spending time with their grandpa. He does not ask about grades and other production successes, but constantly tells something interesting.

We walk through the forest - about bugs and spiders, a plane flew by - facts from the history of aviation, then about ships and much more. Of course, in order to tell something interesting, this interesting thing needs to be accumulated in the head. And many parents are sure that their children should be fun and exciting just by the fact of birth.

Photo source: Alwaysbusymama.com

This only works in the first years of a baby's life, when we are the main source of information about the world around him. And then we have competitors: a TV, a tablet, Google ... Knowledge that a tree is something big, and a bush is smaller, is already not enough.

It is clear that the Internet will still know more, but we can select the most interesting and present it at the most appropriate time, we can express our attitude, listen to what the child thinks about this.

And we can joke - and this is a powerful tool.

Adults stubbornly want to be somewhere high, on the parental pedestal - hence the constant assessments, recommendations that no one asked for. What do many moms and dads do when a child complains about a teacher or a bully classmate? Hundreds of ready-made recommendations are immediately issued.

Were they asked? Or they just wanted support and sympathy, understanding, in the end: “Yes, son, it’s a shame,” “Masha behaved strangely, you’re right.”

Photo source: ottawayouthcounselling.com

Advice should be given when asked for. If you really want to, then without teaching, the easiest way is to talk about your experience: “When I was in the fifth grade, I had a difficult relationship with a math teacher ...”

In general, you need to talk more yourself. If the daily dialogue of parents is reduced to the exchange of interjections “well?”, “ygy” and “aha”, then where will the children get the desire to spend hours talking about how the day went.

We need to set an example!

We leave the cinema and do not ask what you liked the most, but say about ourselves: “The moment with the snail, of course, is the funniest…” From interrogation to exchange of opinions.

The same with evening conversations: when mom and dad tell each other who they met during the day, discuss the news, the child sees that this is possible, and gradually turns on himself. Moreover, during such a conversation, you can also ask about the school, but not about grades and tests: “How did that story with the physical student end?”, “My mother and I recalled that there was a guy in the class who got everyone. Probably, in every class there is one?

If the interest is sincere, the child feels it and makes contact. In the vast majority of cases. It was not enough to see children who would not want to talk to their parents. Usually they really want to! But it is to talk, and not to be interrogated.

The problem of conflict between children and parents has existed for centuries. Thousands of scientific works, literary works, films, works of artists and idle reflections are devoted to a sharp topic.

Despite the fact that a lot of time has been devoted to this issue, it has not been finally closed. The accumulated baggage of knowledge has not yet allowed us to get rid of conflicts and misunderstandings.

Moreover, it seems that the problem has grown and become more urgent. There is a natural explanation for this. The main cause of misunderstanding and conflicts is the scourge of modern society - selfishness.

People have lost the ability to listen and hear each other, have lost a sincere interest in the problems and personalities of the people around them, even very close ones. The only thing that interests modern man is his own problems, thoughts, feelings, desires. It is selfishness that does not allow.

Selfishness in relationships, as a rule, is a mutual phenomenon, but in this article we will talk about the causes of parental selfishness, how to fix already damaged relationships and keep them normal.

Sons. How much in this word for each of the parents. expect from them the embodiment of what they themselves could not bring to life. Mothers selflessly, selflessly love their children and wish them the very best. But as you know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The main cause of problems in relations with an adult son

In the life of every parent, there comes a moment when he must understand that his son has grown up and no longer needs you as much as he used to. He has become an adult, which means he must “play the role” of an adult. The body and psyche of the son signal in every possible way that he must be responsible, independent, have his own opinion, principles, the right to defend his interests, personal time and space. For him, as for a man, these are vital values ​​and a condition for survival.

And now imagine that you continue to hold him "by the umbilical cord" and encroach on what is so important to him. What kind of reaction will you get? How does a person behave when they encroach on the values ​​necessary for his survival?

There are two possible reactions.

First option. The guy will fold his arms on his chest and submit to the parental will. It seems to be good for parents, the child remains under guardianship and control. But this option is fraught with serious problems of social adaptation in the future. It will be difficult for your son to adjust in the adult world, start a family, build productive friendships and work relationships. In this case, he will remain a child in all contexts of life, with all the ensuing consequences.
Second option. Protest and struggle. You become the opponent of the son. There will be no winners in this rivalry.

It will have to be for the reason that this is your child, you love him and wish for the best. And the best thing would be to let him go, let him be independent and give him the opportunity to fill his own bumps. This is a natural process, almost all parents go through it, and those who do not go through are doomed to go through the above options.

No one suggests that you withdraw yourself and become an indifferent spectator of your son's life. You remain the closest and dearest person to your child, but for the common good, you need to adhere to the rule of communicating with an adult.

Basic rules for a good relationship with an adult son

Stop giving advice when it's not asked for. By giving advice, you acknowledge and point out to the person their inexperience, incompetence, and inability to make their own decisions. Independent decision-making implies further responsibility for it. So when you give advice, you make two mistakes.

The first is that you recognize the failure of your son and deprive him of the right to get his own experience. It is unlikely that this will cause delight in any adult.

Second, you take responsibility for the outcome of your decision. If the result is negative, you risk receiving a generous portion of reproaches and claims.

So only give advice when asked to. If the parent's heart is torn to pieces, and loving eyes fill with tears looking at how the son "steps on the rake", the only thing you can afford is to ask: "Do I need my help?"

Do not criticize his choice. The same principle applies here as in the case of advice. Evaluation should only be given when asked. But even if your opinion has become interesting to him, then try to do without critical assessments. This is especially true of the guy's relationship with the opposite sex.

You are his parents and despite the fact that he is already an adult, your opinion matters. Most likely, the son will act in his own way, but he will take into account your negative opinion and next time he will think carefully before turning again. Nobody likes to be criticized for their choices. With your "honesty" you set the offspring against yourself. Respect the choice of your son, even if he, in your opinion, is not the best, but this is his choice.

If you want to convey thoughts, then contact through the "I-message". I-message is a message in which the speaker informs the other about his thoughts, emotions and desires without reproach and pressure.

In communicating with the son through the I-message, parents send a message to him, and not against him. For example: “You constantly ignore what I tell you” is an accusation. “Your opinion and attention is very important to me, but when they don’t listen to me, it’s unpleasant for me” - I-message. I-messages will prevent conflicts and mutual insults, help your son understand yours, and will not destroy trust and understanding. Communication in this style will also teach your son to correctly and tactfully convey his thoughts and experiences to you. I-messages qualitatively replace even constructive criticism.

Put yourself in his place.

Remember what was important to you, your values, anxieties and desires. This approach will help or allow you to approach them thoughtfully and.

Don't push. Newton's third law states that the force of action is equal to the force of reaction. So next time, before you press your son, remember that this law of physics works in interpersonal relationships as well. The stronger the pressure, the stronger the resistance.

Instead of insisting on what you need, try convincing your son that he needs it too. Communicate your needs through the I-message. It's a painless way to get what you want.

Advise and ask for help. A good effect for building relationships with an adult son is turning to him for advice and help. These appeals will give your son a sense of his significance and importance to you.

Admit your mistakes. In any conflict, each side considers itself right, but if you look at it, both sides are to blame. Left unanswered, any aggressive attack is extinguished. Therefore, if a conflict arose, then you were either the aggressor, or you responded in kind.

Think, in communication with your son, recognize them for yourself, and then talk to your son, apologize for these mistakes. Tell him that all the mistakes made are due to parental love and care for him. Make a promise that from now on you will be restrained in the manifestation of emotions, you will begin to respect him as a person and treat him as an adult.

To normalize relations, first of all, parents need to understand that the guy has grown up, and the style of parent-child relationship needs to be changed to adult-adult.

In conclusion, to reduce tension, here is a quote from Stanislav Yanovich Yankovskiy (Russian humorist and mathematical engineer) about the relationship between fathers and children: “Old farts differ from young stinkers only in terms of experience and experience.”

Love and understanding to you with your own children.