Family triangle: “mother-child-grandmother. What to do so that grandmother shares wisdom, not irritation What did grandmother do when she

A grandmother buys her fifteenth Barbie for her granddaughter. The son cannot have sweets, and his mother-in-law fed him a kilo of chocolates. Mom limits computer games, and grandma's grandson spent all the holidays at the computer and never took a walk. Familiar situation? What to do if the grandmother pampers the child, and this makes the mother angry? Responsible Katerina Demina, consultant psychologist, specialist in child psychology:

Many young mothers go through this: they limit the child in some way, and grandmothers do everything the other way around, mothers forbid - grandmothers allow. What happens in this mother-child-grandmother triangle? Why do simple things and ordinary actions cause such a storm of emotions?

In fact, the main reason for such a conflict is two women who find out who has more influence on the child, who is more important. This is a power struggle.

In my opinion, this situation is completely normal. Girls need to separate from their mother, to realize themselves as a person. It is good if this separation occurred in adolescence, when children argue with their parents, dress strangely, run away from home. This is the process of separating from parents and finding yourself.

If this separation happened safely, relations with parents are improved on a different level. when adults communicate, but at the same time respect boundaries. If such a separation does not occur, then the crisis of self-determination occurs later. For example, when a woman becomes a mother.

Mom needs to establish herself as an adult, responsible person who makes decisions about her life and the life of her child. And the grandmother tries to keep her position as the head of the family, a wiser and more experienced woman. It is difficult for them to agree, each is sure that he is right. And the child suffers at the same time, he is frightened and confused. In his desire to please both his mother and grandmother, he can completely forget about his desires and begin to adapt only to strangers.

What can be done to restore peace in the family? Clearly and distinctly state who is responsible for the life and health of the child. For example, to tell the grandmother that the doctor forbade giving the child sweets, then his stomach hurts. Your child, your rules. And if they are violated, you have the right to apply sanctions. There should be no discrepancies here. If this happens, although you clearly stated that some actions are inadmissible, then next time you can refuse to communicate with your grandmother. Yes, it is unpleasant and even painful. But, I assure you, relations will improve, and the new rules of the game will become familiar. Patience, courtesy and consistency are important here.

But still, if you look at this situation from the outside, most of the problems are not as terrible as they seem. Your child's childhood will pass very quickly. And extra candy won't do any harm. What today seems very important and necessary will be forgotten tomorrow. The child will grow up, and you will begin to solve completely different problems. Take the opportunity to relax while your child is busy with grandparents. It won't last so long.

What is "spoiling a child"? It's like adding honey to his milk. Milk is the guarantee of an orderly and healthy life. What allows our children to grow, develop, not get sick. We feed children healthy food, walk in the park, limit TV viewing and computer games, and force them to brush their teeth. Because it is right, we are responsible for our children.

But sometimes it would be nice to add a spoonful of honey to milk in the form of entertainment and violations of the regime. It gives flavor to life. And it's good that there are grandmothers in the world who should not be brought up. They can only afford to indulge, because that's what they were made for.

There are other grandmothers too. With a reinforced concrete position that children should not be praised otherwise they will become arrogant, think of themselves and fall into the grave sin of pride. Children need to be criticized and pointed out their shortcomings, then he will study harder to achieve perfection. Grandmother is unshakably sure that modern children are spoiled and they have a bad upbringing. Her children were the right ones: quiet and obedient.

Such grandmothers need to be explained that children need praise and approval. Children need to talk out loud about how wonderful they are and how much they can do. Mention at the common table that “our baby has learned to tie shoelaces”, brag to a neighbor “and you know, the granddaughter makes the “swallow” herself.” Believe me, pride is brought up in a completely different way.

What to do when the grandmother does not help at all and does not take the children? Do not be offended and remember that relationships within the family are much more important. Your parents have already raised their children, fulfilled their duty to the human race, and now it is time for them to reap the rewards. It's not worth getting angry at them. It’s better to ask directly for what you need, but be prepared to refuse. Any nanny, even for a couple of hours several times a week, is better than a spoiled relationship with your parents.

Quarrels between family members are not uncommon. Still, relatives interact with each other for a long time, and their views on certain issues may differ markedly. Conflicts with the older generation, that is, with grandparents, are especially frequent, since their model of the world is completely different from the one that the modern generation adheres to. Therefore, it is so important to know how you can apologize to your grandmother, and in what cases this or that method will be effective.

Analysis of the situation

Why does a quarrel with a granny happen most often? Usually this is due to the absolute difference in worldviews. What is important for a granddaughter may be completely indifferent to a grandmother and vice versa. Moreover, in such situations, an elementary heart-to-heart conversation does not help, since people of different generations always have different views and attitudes towards life.

Most often, quarrels between grandmothers and grandchildren occur for the following reason:

You can be rude to your grandmother for a variety of reasons. Usually this happens as follows: a tired grandson returns from work or school, after which a representative of the older generation begins to give advice, ask something, ask again or lecture. As a result, such behavior necessarily leads to an explosion on the part of the child.

It is temperament that psychologists call the most common cause of family conflicts. In such situations, the grandson must understand that a person in retirement can be very bored. Communication with the younger generation is a chance to once again step into youth. That is why grandparents are so persistently trying to establish contact.

It is also always necessary to make allowances for age. In advanced years, it is difficult to maintain clarity of mind. Sometimes a grandmother takes her grandson out of herself, without even knowing it. She just asks something again, not realizing that she asked this question a few minutes ago.

To minimize insults and conflict situations in the family, you need to learn to restrain yourself. If the grandson does not respond to some question of a relative, but tries to explain the problem to her again and again, this can save him from a lot of unpleasant and awkward situations.

How to ask for forgiveness from your grandmother

If the conflict could not be avoided, it is necessary to decide on an apology. It can be difficult to step over one's own pride, but it is necessary to do this so that protracted quarrels do not arise in the family.

The first piece of advice that psychologists give is to try to get grandma to talk. Usually people in old age like to talk, remember their youth and former friends. That is why they will gladly answer some questions of their grandson, forgetting about the previous offense.

Old people love their grandchildren very much, so they are always ready to forgive them for any mistake. It is enough just to show tenderness or kindness to get ten times more warmth in return.

How to apologize with a gift

If it seems to a person that a verbal apology will not be enough, you can present a gift to a relative. How should you choose a present, and what features are important to pay attention to here?

If the grandson managed to greatly offend the grandmother, you can always arrange a pleasant surprise for her. For example, dinner at a restaurant. Older people rarely go anywhere. Such an invitation will be an opportunity for a relative to put on a new dress, meet interesting people. Such impressions will remain with her for the rest of her life, and the quarrel will immediately be forgotten.

You can also have dinner with your family. If the grandmother lives separately, such a surprise will be the best for her. Psychologists note that because of loneliness, people in adulthood often become ruder and angrier. But as soon as relatives are reminded of themselves, their hearts immediately thaw.

What to do if the grandmother does not talk to her grandson

Sometimes the resentment against a loved one turns out to be so strong that representatives of the older generation prefer not to contact their grandchildren at all. They stop communicating with them, lock themselves in their room and do not come out for many hours. By such behavior, old people try to arouse a sense of shame, and usually they succeed.

In such situations, the psychologist is advised to write a letter to the grandmother. It should detail why the grandson did exactly what he did, which made him lose his temper. It is also necessary to write a few touching words of apology. Usually this technique works flawlessly. Moreover, grandmothers then keep such messages for years as a bright memory of the love of loved ones.

Another way to achieve forgiveness is to arrange a surprise that Grandma simply cannot resist. For example, you can prepare a cake for her, on which words with apologies should be written with cream. It is also recommended to come up with a poem or a cute song for grandma. Having fulfilled it, the grandson will definitely deserve forgiveness.

Of course, you can just wait until the grandmother cools down and forgets about the grievances, but psychologists advise not to do this. The fact is that it is very important for an old person to realize his need, to have pride and independence. If a relative really offended a person of the older generation, he should not make excuses or sit out waiting for actions on his part. In such situations, you need to muster up the courage and say a few touching phrases about your own guilt.

Getting over a big fight with grandma

Sometimes conflicts in the family turn out to be so serious that it’s impossible to get rid of cakes and cute letters. If a person has done something unforgivable, such as hitting a grandmother or stealing money from her, it is necessary to behave as follows:

• do not wait too long, but immediately admit your guilt and apologize;
• in the coming weeks, it is necessary to show by all means that this will never happen again;
• you need to be with your grandmother all the time until she accepts an apology;
• you should make a relative a good gift in recognition of your guilt;
• you need to talk long and seriously about the reasons that made a person do just that.

Of course, situations in life are different, and sometimes grandchildren simply cannot stand long-term communication with their grandmothers. However, this by no means excuses them. Aggressive behavior towards the elderly is considered low, because a grandson is a priori stronger than a woman in old age.

By all means, a person should show that he repents, that this will not happen again. And most importantly, the grandson is obliged to inspire this idea not only to his grandmother, but also to himself, so that in the future he could not even think about a mean act.

To avoid serious conflicts in the future, the generation of fathers and mothers needs to awaken in children respect for elders from a very early age. In this case, it will be possible to minimize problematic situations. If a child knows from childhood that grandparents must be respected no matter what they do, they are much less likely to commit a mean act.

Old people very often piss off the younger generation. Almost always they do it not on purpose, simply because of the specific features of their age. However, there are times when grandparents deliberately provoke their grandchildren into a conflict in order to somehow attract their attention. The task of the younger generation in such a situation is to surround the elderly with care and love. Then quarrels, grievances and conflicts will remain in the past, and beloved grandmothers will be able to celebrate their old age with dignity.

Larisa, Pyatigorsk

There lived a grandmother and a granddaughter, in the same apartment. Contradictions of generations have become aggravated. The question arose before the granddaughter: how to ensure a happy old age for her beloved grandmother, and at the same time not go crazy herself?

“My grandmother is 84, her head and health are generally good, she reads books and even knits. But sometimes he suddenly stops doing something at all, washing himself, going out into the street. And I always have to persuade her. One day I thought: what if this is not necessary? Maybe she's just tired of living and has the right to go to bed and not get up? And I'm afraid of this, because my life will become more complicated?

They also say that old age is wisdom. But nothing but grumbling and complaints about life, discussing TV programs like “Out loud”, and constant concern for my granddaughter, expressed in phone calls seven times a day, I have not yet heard from my grandmother. Although she is 84 and she lived a very difficult life.

But why is she silent? How to "dig" out of grandmothers their wisdom and worldly experience? Maybe it depends on me that my grandmother does not share with me?

We asked gerontologist Eduard Karyukhin (Regional Public Fund for Assistance to the Elderly “Good Deed”), an expert of the Expert Council of the Open Government of the Russian Federation, to comment on the request:

A big difference

Everyone knows the comparison of old people with children. But there is one big difference: the child is capricious, inept, mischievous, asking the same thing a hundred times, for mom - the main thing. All her life potential: biological, mental, spiritual, she invests in it, because the child is the future.

And old people are the past. And although they are similar in many ways to children and the methods of communication and care for them are also similar, for people, even relatives, they are something that is already passing. Therefore, the question arises at the level of motivation. After all, it seems that all the energy costs of the family invested in the elderly will not be justified in any way.

From a biological point of view, this is true. That is why in some nations there was (and in some places it has been preserved) the custom of killing their elders.

Today, society does not physically kill the elderly, but psychologically acts cruelly. Retired - deleted from society. Material wealth is reduced by five to six times. This leads to the humiliation of people and cannot but affect the subconscious perception of old people as inferior people, even if we think differently and sympathize with them with all our hearts. Don't underestimate the collective unconscious.

The cult of youth, strength, health, on the contrary, flourishes. So the couple: granddaughter-grandmother is in some way an antagonism, they are representatives of two different social groups, which cannot be ignored in our topic.

It is not possible to ensure a happy old age for one granddaughter living with her grandmother. Do not set yourself this super-task. The whole modern worldview, way of life, and your human limitations are against you. In addition, you are not responsible for the grandmother's character, personal characteristics, her current fate. Just do what you can, based not only on the biology of life, but also on your good desire to help, console, listen to the motives of your soul and grandmother's reactions.

Throw good into the water

As a gerontologist, I can say that living with a grandmother is no more difficult than with other family members. Grandma is the same “other person” in your life. And the difficulty in relations with her can signal something very important in your relationship with others.

The fact that it is not possible to touch the wisdom and worldly experience of grandmothers is largely a problem for children and grandchildren. But it is already very good when a person suspects that there is wisdom there. Old people are the information code of the clan, you just need to know it. Why is there no such live connection, transmission? Why is there no current in the system? Do we speak the wrong language? After all, the old man speaks not only with words, but also with a way of life.

Old people, like children, cannot be deceived. If we believe that they have outlived their usefulness and can no longer give us anything, they will not give anything. If we believe that they have outlived their usefulness and owe us only wisdom, they will not give wisdom (Hemanov’s “Three cards, three cards, three cards” is directly heard here). Only the living can communicate with the living, not the living with the obsolete.
But there is something that even the most unwise old man can give a person: the opportunity to give just like that, disinterestedly, without expecting absolutely anything in return. Throw good into the water.

Old people are a mystery. We often do not know what is happening there, in a seemingly feeble soul. The same, however, as in the soul of a baby.

Photo: basik.ru

Force or leave alone?

In ordinary cases, the main criterion for the correctness of your counter-actions in relation to an elderly person is his benefit. If you see that your grandmother has not washed herself for a long time, she has not walked, it is clear that this will not do her any good. Therefore, here, showing perseverance and patience, it is necessary to encourage, persuade the grandmother to maintain the correct mode of life. You can get some incentives. You can try to find out the reason for the reluctance: suddenly it became difficult for her to wash herself? Or go down from the house to the bench at the entrance? Then you need to offer help.

If the person is adequate, such a problem will be solved. It is only necessary to remember that a person may have a bad state of health, and an unimportant mood. It's okay, you're not in the army, you can skip it once or twice.

In general, in caring for an elderly person, it is dangerous to turn into a commander, a leader: a person is arranged in such a way that the compensatory function of his psyche will definitely manifest itself, and the grandmother will “fall into denial” out of the blue, will be stubborn not on business just to defend “personal freedom ".

Sometimes it is better, perhaps, not to touch the old person, let him be calm with himself, in his room, in solitude, this is often necessary, especially when relatives live together.

If there is a persistent and constant rejection of the most common rules of life, hygiene procedures, this may hide a disease, an organic lesion of the central nervous system, and mental functions. Here you need to consult a specialist.

obsessive reactions

If a grandmother calls her granddaughter ten times at work asking if she is doing well, or tries to make hour-long telephone conversations, well, be patient as much as you can, and then calmly and affectionately say that you need to work and say goodbye gently. And at home, be sure to ask not to call so often, otherwise you will not have time to do your job. In 99.9% of cases, if we are talking about the mental norm, this will help.

"Grandmother and grandson" (show "Ural dumplings")

Perhaps, by such behavior, an elderly person signals that he is, he can take care of you, take care that you are not alone, he is with you. Maybe he got lonely, scared. But you have to work, so do not be tormented by guilt, in this case false.

Why so much negativity?

There is a certain critical bar in gerontology: 75-79, when people either become seriously ill and die, or, having gone through this period, especially after 80, they live more calmly. As a rule, people who have crossed the threshold of the 80th anniversary are distinguished by special resilience and the ability to adapt. They are worth a closer look, they are unique characters! After all, if you take the history of our country, look, they survived terror, and hunger, and devastation, and war, and the most severe brainwashing. So if your grandmother is 84 and she still reads books, discusses various modern problems with you, you have just a treasure trove of valuable vitality and qualities! And all these qualities are in your family, you potentially have them!

Of course, old people can often recall the terrible years, and not even directly, but emotionally involved in some kind of television programs discussing the fate of the country, government actions, theft of officials, etc. But one must understand that the psyche of any person is arranged in such a way that the bad is more strongly imprinted and lasts longer. And by saying this, a person unloads from his heavy impressions. But not only.

Focusing on the difficult, the old people are trying to convey their experience to us, they want to help, to warn. But you just need to be able to correctly decipher these codes, or at least understand their motivation. In the inability to discern this behind external grumbling, I see precisely the problem of youth.

Photo: basik.ru

The classic approach in psychology: if you want to understand another person, put yourself in his place. Grandmother, sitting at home all day alone, naturally absorbs some emotions from TV, radio, newspapers, and wants to share them with someone. Often these emotions are intertwined with internal, deep, and therefore even more intensified. But on another person, such a splash sometimes acts as an irritant. A compromise is needed here: try to somehow listen to your grandmother, but if you understand that she has gone in circles, you have the right to tell her that you are very tired and would like to rest. There can be no feeling of guilt here, you are not omnipotent. The main thing is not to show irritation.

With all due respect to the old man, living with him does not mean living by his rules. For a grandmother, compromise is often no less important than for a granddaughter. And a person within the limits of the norm, as a rule, wants it and goes for it. Not in one, so in another case. But the overall balance of concessions is maintained.

Should we talk about death?

A frequent question is whether to talk with the elderly about the death of their friends and acquaintances? It is difficult to give a definite answer here. Many after 80-85 years of age already have a philosophical attitude towards death. I have seen this among people of Soviet hardening, atheistic education. Internally, they resolved these issues for themselves. How? Sometimes it's a mystery. But they have no fear. Often they are so saturated with the length of life that for them death is a transition, not tragic, not dramatic, but necessary, as if it were another part of life.

Photo: basik.ru

But there are also examples to the contrary. And you need to take into account both, look at the reaction of a person. If it is negative, do not raise this topic.

And remember: not everyone can be disabled, but we will all be old people who live. And what will be our "age features"? Will there be a person nearby who is ready to endure us with love?

Question to the psychologist:

Hello, I have a very long story, I will try to draw the whole picture so that you understand.

In general, my grandmother will be 77 years old tomorrow, she has diabetes (this is what I heard, he eats the brain), and so it all started about two years ago. I sometimes lived with my grandmother, as she said that she needed help, before meeting her husband, and she had such "overshoots", for example:

I went to a friend, warned that I would stay with her. The next day I drive up to the house, my mother calls me, says where you are, my grandmother called the district police officer, writes a statement that you are missing. The district police officer called my mother, my grandmother also called her and many others, everyone except me! I come and say why didn't you call me? Why are you doing this, you know that I'm with a friend. She waved her hand, went into the room, I settled everything with the district police officer. After that, she became angry, tried to control me. I moved away from her so as not to spoil the relationship. Next situation:

I came to her with an overnight stay for a couple of days. A day later I come home after work, she begins to accuse me of allegedly stealing money (although I work from 10 am to 10 pm, I come and go to bed, I don’t even know where she hides them). In general, accusations rained down, I felt offended, I began to search, turn the whole house over, I find a newspaper in the trash, from which money sticks out (she put it there to give it to her sister, she went to pay the rent). I show her, she does not apologize, not a word. I'm leaving again and after that I no longer come to her with an overnight stay, for a maximum of a couple of hours to visit.

Then there was the same situation with the fabric. I got pregnant, she wanted to sew diapers, she didn’t find the fabric, she started blaming me for taking her. Then she called and apologized. Then it turns out that she needs supervision and we have a child, it’s a little expensive to rent an apartment, she says move in with me, we are doing repairs, during the repair she is weird again. Then he calls at ten o'clock at night, cannot find the remote control for the split system (almost crying, says that he is suffocating from the heat). I arrive and find it in the most prominent place on the chest of drawers! Then we asked the code not to temporarily put anything on the new linoleum in her room, because he needs to lie down, he drags a table with old iron wheels that do not spin through the whole room. He tears the linoleum a little (at the same time, he cries that everything hurts and she can’t even lift a two-liter kettle, joints, arms, all that), throws tantrums from scratch, brings me to tears while pregnant, says nasty things ... C grief over the fires completed the repair, especially for her, a cabin was installed in the bathroom, because. it’s hard for her to get into the bath with good intentions without dividing anything into yours or mine. At that time, she put my old kitchen table in my room, put my refrigerator in my room, buy yourself a new one, put my kitchen cabinet on my balcony, I will put the cans there. Well, of course, we tried to explain that it was superfluous both for good and for bad, but it was impossible to convey anything to her. They did what she wanted. Just the other day, the situation was noticed that sometimes when we are not at home in our room, something is out of place. We installed a webcam, left, we arrived, we looked, she climbed all the closets, just looked, and stuffed the dirty bag that was on her closet into clean linen in the closet. You see, she doesn’t need him, he interferes. I calmly approached her and said why are you doing this, he is dirty in clean linen, you don’t need him, well, I would put him on the floor in the room. In response, she began to kick me out of the room with the words "went to" three letters "(I'm sorry). After that, the next day (we teach the child to fall asleep without motion sickness in the crib himself), before that he fell asleep without problems, namely yesterday he began to act up , wants to be shaken. They picked him up, tried to calm him down, it didn’t work out, they just decided not to pay attention to him with her husband, no one has died from tears yet, until he is capricious and falls asleep (the whims were no more than 3 minutes). She enters room, starts screaming take it calm down, you are mocking the child. I try to explain to her, she does not allow me to insert a word and says that this husband does not allow me to approach the child, that he is a tyrant, so he didn’t cry all day, but he came, he started crying and stuff like that. I try to reason with her to explain that this is not so and nonsense (my husband is calmer than I am and loves his son very much, he allows what I do not allow) and she knows this very well, she starts screaming that she will call the police so that we terminated parental rights for bullying. In general, the son is already asleep, she screams, barely kicked her out of the room. Today I went up to her and explain: "You raised your children the way you wanted, we bring up the way we need, don't interfere and don't interfere and don't you dare insult my husband anymore and say such things about him." In response, I hear "Yes, I ****, once again he will cry, I will call the police, let's go to **** out of the room." She starts pushing me and grabbing my hands very hard, it naturally hurts me (I’m not tall 1.60, I weigh 50 kg and she is 98 kg taller than me), I break out, she starts waving her arms, fighting with me, hitting, scratching, scratched everything hands and face a little. I pushed her a little and ran out of the room, closed herself in mine, while in the process she called me obscenities and her face was so angry and diligent and she waved her hands as if nothing hurt at all, not every guy waved like that can. I was very scared, because the apartment is hers, we are here on bird's rights, and she threatens to kick us out. We took out a loan for repairs and won’t pull it off, my husband only works, I’m on maternity leave, I’m crying all day, I don’t understand what’s wrong with her, why she behaves like that ... I talked to her sister, she also complained about her, she says, that when her grandmother asked her to buy her apples and bring them on the same day, she refused her and her grandmother freaked out, sent her and hung up. She also said that this is not the first time she asks for something and wants it to be done at the same moment, and if they do not do it according to her, she is offended and does not talk. Her best friend's neighbor also said that her grandmother sends her during a conversation if she says something that, in her opinion, is not right (the fact is that my grandmother is a believer, even in a sect, from which I barely pulled her out, and her neighbor is an atheist , on this basis they have disputes). So often she heard such phrases from her as "went to ****", "went out", "shut up" and she was repeatedly made comments about this, she brushed it off. How is it possible, after all, they have lived together with this neighbor all their lives, until now they go back and forth to each other all day long, drink tea together, eat at the same table. This neighbor brings her the essentials (bread, kefir), since I cannot leave my son unattended, and my husband comes in the evening. In general, this is the problem. Help, please, what should we do? What does it look like? How to behave with her?

The psychologist Lelyuk Alina Vladimirovna answers the question.

Christina, hello!

Sympathize with you. Your situation is tense and exhausting.

Unfortunately, relationships with elderly relatives do not always develop peacefully and cloudlessly. And it is not always possible to perceive everything calmly and evenly. Sometimes they can bring to a boil and frenzy.

It is important for you to decide what exactly you want in this situation. I must say right away that you can no longer change your grandmother. You can change your attitude towards this situation. And thereby make your relationship more acceptable to you.

"What it looks like?" - I can’t say for sure, psychologists don’t make diagnoses. Perhaps, indeed, a change in behavior is associated with the disease. And perhaps all at once - illness, age, lack of attention, a feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Maybe grandma wants more care and warmth. To make a diagnosis, it is better to consult a specialized doctor.

You wrote that the changes with your grandmother took place 2 years ago. What happened in grandma's life at that moment? What influenced her behavior so much? Think it might help you accept her behavior.

You can try to build a relationship with your grandmother by talking to her about her past. Show interest in your grandmother's life. Get into the habit of drinking tea together, for example. Perhaps the grandmother does not have enough attention and therefore she receives it in this way.

Be prepared for the fact that the grandmother will constantly talk about the same thing. Don't brush it off. Just listen quietly. All you have to do is nod and nod. You can think about something of your own at this time. Grandmothers just need the opportunity to speak out.

Try asking your grandmother for help with little things. This way she will feel needed and may become calmer. Be sure to thank her for all her help. Discuss any domestic problems with her. Consult. You don't have to do what Grandma says. But she will be pleased that her opinion is important to someone.

It's normal for grandma to forget things sometimes. Older people have such a feature that they remember the events of their youth to the smallest detail, but forget what they were told 10 minutes ago. It's a side effect of old age.

Imagine that senile memory is like a notepad. Notepad is already filled. There is not a single free line. And everything that is happening now - there is simply nowhere to write it down. Therefore, it is not remembered. Although it seems that a person perceives everything carefully and adequately and naturally should remember.

Perhaps that is why your grandmother announced your wanted list and called the district police officer. She may have simply forgotten that you warned her. As in other similar cases and situations.

Think about the fact that older people begin to feel helpless with age and illness and get angry about it. And they pour out this evil on those around them. Think about the fact that this is not a grandmother screaming and swearing at you, but her illness and helplessness. You can repeat this mentally every time she argues with you. This will distract you from swearing, and you will not be so involved in this process.

At times like these, pay attention to your breathing. Try to breathe deeply. Or count to 10, 20 or 100. This also switches attention, and you will not react so sharply to everything Grandma said.

Taking into account the fact that you have nowhere to go and you need to hold on to this living space, try to perceive the statements of your grandmother in an abstract way. That is, to listen, but not to delve into and not be impressed. Let grandma talk. Perhaps when the grandmother sees that you are not involved in the conflict, she will lose such a passion to cling to you.

The fact that everyone speaks of the grandmother is not very good - it should not be so important to you. If you are not going to put her in a hospital - stop looking for confirmation that the grandmother is insane. Otherwise, you will wind yourself up so much that it will be completely unbearable and scary to be on the same territory with her.

Try to find the good in your grandmother. She's always been so mean and mean. Perhaps she has something to be thankful for. When you treat your grandmother without evil and fear, you will perceive her behavior in a completely different way. And perhaps the grandmother's behavior will also change a little.

Think about the fact that someday you will grow old. And you don't know what kind of old lady you will be. Try to treat with understanding and acceptance of age-related changes in your grandmother's behavior. Do not dwell on your resentment, irritation and anger. Otherwise, you yourself will bring to a nervous breakdown.

Try to neutralize resentment. There are many ways on the Internet how to do this. Choose exactly what is right for you. Do not accumulate evil, irritation and resentment in yourself.

Give yourself time - how much more you have to endure until you have the opportunity to move out and live separately from your grandmother. When there is a goal and a deadline, you can go a little calmer towards it.

And you may not want to leave your grandmother if you manage to build a relationship with her. Perhaps she will also be your assistant-adviser.

Patience to you, Christina, and wisdom in making decisions!

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From whom does the most common variant of a grandmother in our conditions - “an intervening grandmother” come from? She grows out of a mother who does not want to admit that her children have matured. That they have a separate life, that they make independent decisions, and these decisions are not at all obliged to please her. That they are old enough to bear children and raise them. Such a mother can interfere in everything and be dissatisfied with everything: her children (adults!) eat not like that, and spend money not like that, and rest not like that, live with the wrong people and not like that - yes, anything. And when grandchildren appear, even a less interfering mother believes that here she must certainly somehow participate. So the appearance of grandchildren is a catalyst for what is already in our adult relationship with our parents.

Of course, mothers of adult children do not intervene out of malice. It is very sad and difficult to admit that your child has grown. The mother of an adult child and the mother of a small child occupy a different place in the life of children. And children of different ages occupy a different place in the life of mothers.

And the letting go of children from oneself is connected with the meeting with such important questions: - What else, besides children, do I fill my life with? - What other meanings are there in my life besides them? - Do I feel my value when children need me less and less? - What does it mean to be a mother of an independent adult?

These are quite a few difficult questions.

It's good that we decided to talk about this not in 20 years. I want to prepare myself to be a contented grandmother.

Unfortunately, it is often very difficult for middle-aged women who are very used to investing in children, actively taking care of them, to find some other, new meanings in life when the children have matured and started their own families. And then, having become a grandmother, such a woman can actively engage in the life of adult children and grandchildren because she has nothing else to do. Children and grandchildren are the main meaning of life for her. And this is a heavy burden for both children and grandchildren - to be someone's meaning of life, especially the only meaning. But after all, this is the grandmother's task - to organize her life in such a way that, in addition to the family of children, she has other applications of her strength and aspirations.

Or it is very difficult for a woman to feel her value and importance. Just like that, from the inside, the value and importance of your life. The life of, for example, a 55-year-old woman. In a good way, internally we get this feeling from our parents in childhood. And if this is not received (unfortunately, this is very often the case, or a feeling of conditional value is received, that is, I am valuable only when I do something, I am good at something, I help in something, for example), then in adulthood we we will pull it from spouses, from children, from grandchildren. And be offended if we are not appreciated and not loved.

It is even harder when the grandmother not only tries to be valuable, but also competes with her parents in who is more important and more important. A woman who raised her son for herself, in order to be the main and best woman in his life, will she silently give him to some young bitch? Will she be satisfied with the way her daughter-in-law is raising her grandchildren? Never!

I want to warn those who think that they see through the grandmother with all her "black" motives and want to tell her about it: if you still want peace in the family, you should not engage in motives and "psychotherapy" of loved ones, it's no good does not lead. Adult education is also not worth doing, in my opinion. Leave the grandmothers responsible for their lives, but it’s better for you to take on your own. Things are enough.

I am talking about the motives of the "grandmothers" not in order to expose them. It seems to me important to be aware, as far as possible, of one's own motives in relations with a child, whether small or adult. Because the task of a parent is to promote the separation, the maturation of their children. Although this is a difficult, painful task, especially for moms. Children, on their part, also internally laid down the tasks of growing up and separating from their parents. Parents can either help (not interfere, at least) or hinder in this. If they interfere, then growing up is delayed and goes much beyond the boundaries of adolescence.

What to do if grandma interferes

And still. Favorite question “what to do?” when a grandmother does not want to recognize her children's right to independent decisions and intervenes and intervenes? My opinion is this. Regardless of whether your mother coped with your growing up or not, whether she accepted it or opposes it in every possible way: if you are an adult, especially enough to give birth to children, it is your responsibility to separate and take the place of an adult child in a relationship with your mother.

For example, after all, take the place of the head in your own family. The boss makes the rules. The ones that suit him in his family. For example, if it does not suit him that his mother or mother-in-law / mother-in-law criticizes him, he talks about it. I will speak from my personal experience. It is important for me that my husband and I, as parents, are the main ones in our family. And this means that we make some decisions regarding the child together. And at the same time, we decide what decisions we can entrust to grandmothers. By the way, there are a lot of them, but they all relate to the time that Pasha spends with them. All the time that he is with us: how he is dressed, what clubs he goes to, what regimen he has, treatment, which school he will go to, and so on - this is exclusively our decision. My husband and I are quite tough in this: we stop any criticism or unsolicited advice from grandmothers.

How exactly?

Words. As a rule, I talk about how I feel about uninvited intervention (“I am angry at such and such”), I talk about what does not suit me (“I don’t need advice now”, “I don’t you have to criticize me”), and I say which option suits me (“Just listen to me”, “We will have such a rule”). I react with humor to some specific manifestations of care and anxiety (“Do you even have anything to eat?”, “Does Pasha dress warmly?”) I react with humor. This is generally a master husband, he very funny begins to reflect to my mother her concern: “Dear mother-in-law, I am also very worried about how you eat? Do you have enough?" In general, in different ways.

What to do if grandma doesn't want to be a grandma

Let's talk about another option - about a grandmother who does not want to be so actively involved in the life of her grandchildren, as her children want from her. Here I personally rather have a question about children - “parents”. What is this insult about? Just imagine, a woman of 50-60-70 years old actively lives her life, she has her own values, her own interests. Beauty, no?

At least I would like to be just such a woman. And her adult children say: “Why are you living your life? Why don't you want to live our life and the life of our children?

You know, when children are small, they generally see their mother as a function. The function of a mother is to give children: love, acceptance, support, attention, etc. And children evaluate their mother precisely as a function, based on how and what she gives them or does not give, based on this, she is a good mother or a bad one. Only becoming psychologically adults, they become able to see their mother as a person, as a woman. Which is not only a mother, but also a separate person, a separate woman.

In a situation where an adult child wants from his mother that she better perform her function as a “grandmother”, and is offended that this does not happen, I have such a hypothesis that he did not receive something for himself from his mother in childhood. Maybe mom was not around when her support was needed, maybe the child didn’t feel that he was very valuable to mom (and not just her job, hobby, man, etc.), maybe there wasn’t enough concrete help, and the child had to do too much, not for his age, on his own. And as if now, with the help of their children, the “parent” child is still trying to get it from his mother.

Then it’s better to think about what claims, what grievances there are against your mother. These are all important processes: to understand what touches me so much, to understand what it causes me, what feelings. Can I or my mother now fix what happened or did not happen in childhood? Do I still expect my mom to finally be the perfect mom for me? Can I just tell my mother about how I was as a child and how I perceive her behavior now? Can I get angry and sad about something that I didn’t have and maybe don’t have something important, something that I don’t get from my mother? Can I ask my mother, while admitting that she has every right to refuse me, and to live not only my life?

There was no such model of "grandmother" in our childhood. This is very difficult to comprehend.

Everyone had different models in childhood, not necessarily about the grandmother from the “House in the Village”. It is more important to look not at the models of childhood or the models of friends and neighbors, but at your feelings. After all, what are feelings-emotions? This is our personal, unique indicator of what is important to us, what touches us, what our needs are and whether they are being fulfilled.

There is, for example, a grandmother who comes to the house of her adult children, cooks there, cleans, walks with her grandson. And for one parent, this will cause a feeling of gratitude and appreciation, because this is exactly the help that he wanted. The other one was angry, because he only asked to take a walk, and did not ask to interfere in the household, or even asked not to do anything around the house. For him, this grandmother's initiative, this "good" - this is a call without asking for his territory. And then some general model will not help us in any way. And only understanding will help, what does it mean for me personally when my grandmother does this? Is this what I want or not? And this can be solved only by paying attention to the feelings that we have. If there is anger, then something is wrong. For you personally. And let for all neighbors and friends - this is the most "that", for you it is not.

About the feeling of guilt before the grandmother

Further it is even more difficult. Here one person has anger and another. Only one can be angry, and he does not feel responsible for his mother's feelings, and can directly say: "Mom, I'm angry, don't do this." And for another, this anger is accompanied by a huge sense of guilt, because he is to blame for the fact that his mother, for example, was offended, or her blood pressure jumped, or something else. There are many specialists in manipulation among mothers. And then what will be the model of relations between one and the other? Answer: different. Therefore, I am in favor of focusing on what arises within us. And what we now have the power to change. If there is a mountain of guilt and responsibility for mother's feelings, it is unlikely that it will be possible to quickly build some kind of adult relationship.

Everything is clear, but what about parents

I know from myself and from the stories of friends and clients how difficult it is to “turn off” from these relationships. Often not only grandmothers to us, but also we do not trust grandmothers to communicate with their grandchildren the way they want. In general, this is understandable. Because we, as children, often suffered from such relationships ourselves. It seems to me that our personal feelings are a good indicator of where it might be worth intervening.

As for me, I used to be constantly “on the alert”: how do they communicate, what does my mother say to Pasha, how does Pasha answer her? I was always third in their relationship. But I don’t want this at all, I believe that if you don’t interfere, they will build some kind of their own, acceptable relationship for them. Therefore, what they are talking about now, what they are doing together is only their business. The only time I intervene is when I understand that something Pasha or my mother told me makes me angry. Most often, when I hear about some kind of manipulation. Pasha, by the way, catches them perfectly, much faster than me. And he himself can let his grandmother know that he does not like it. And if I find out about this, then I also tell my mother about my anger, and that I don’t want to. And although she does not like it at all when I am angry with her, I understand that she hears me.

I would also intervene in cases of some kind of threats, the use of physical force, punishments - something that is absolutely unacceptable for me either in relation to myself or to my child. And it’s also personally unacceptable for me when someone sets a child against one of the family members: whether criticizing (“oh, well, your parents are completely!”), calling for hiding some information (“just don’t tell your mother”) , frightening with someone's punishment (“I'll tell dad!”), etc. I don't want this to happen in my family, and if it does, I angrily fight back.

I also often hear that parents get angry when grandparents do something that, for ideological reasons, seems wrong to parents: they feed “the wrong” food, teach “the wrong” method, give “the wrong” books, and so on. Personally, I take this very calmly, I even see the benefits for the child in this.

Grandparents show him something that his parents don't show him. At the same time, he has the opportunity not to follow the only “that” ideology of his parents, but to see different things and choose what he likes. But this is my position, of course, in each particular family, parents themselves can decide what is acceptable or not for them in the communication of grandmothers and grandchildren, and when it is worth interfering.

I heard from friends about cases when visiting their grandmother, their children can do everything that mom forbids. Mom is offended. It turns out that my mother becomes such an evil aunt, but my grandmother is good. She can have a chocolate bar, and a bunch of sweets, although her mother warns that one should not give a lot.

I don't see anything wrong with grandparents pampering their grandchildren. Or let them not indulge, but they have different rules. About the image of the "evil aunt" - is it my mother's fantasy that she looks like this compared to her grandmother, or is this what the grandmother does? If the grandmother, albeit unconsciously, competes with her mother and gives sweets with the message: “Well, the evil mother will not pamper you like that,” then yes, of course, this is not about healthy relationships in the family, and the grandson “thinks” this. And not necessarily, by the way, as the fact that the "sinister mother" may, on the contrary, not fall in love with her grandmother.

And if she just gives sweets, because she loves her grandson very much and for her this is an expression of love and tenderness - then what's wrong with that? Unless, of course, the child is covered with a rash from sweets or all his teeth fall out. In this case, you can tell your grandmother and show that it is harmful for him. And if there is no harm, and mom loves like this, dad loves like this, and grandmother like this, and parents have the same rules at home, and grandparents have different ones - this is about the diversity of people, about the difference in the manifestation of their feelings, that's all very important for the child.

But often parents themselves are not just with their own parental authority and with the fact that they forbid something to the child. Deep down, they even feel guilty that they are so strict. And then more "kind" grandmothers are perceived as a threat. But whose problem is this? Not grandmothers, not grandchildren. It is important for parents to figure it out themselves, why is it so difficult for them to take parental authority and introduce their own rules? What is it that worries or angers them so much that other people may have different regulations?

What to strive for in a relationship with grandmothers?

Ideal relationships in the family are those that suit you personally. For me, this is a relationship in which everyone has a clear place. For parents - parental, that is, the main thing in this family, which determines its rules. Grandmother has a grandmother's place, a place not as responsible as a parent's, because she does not make important decisions regarding the child. And that is why her love can be completely free from any conditions and anxieties, she no longer has to show herself as some kind of super-parent, she has already raised her own children. And she can give a lot to her grandchildren due to this. And the children have a children's place. Where it is clear that you can rely on adults. Where you can eat different love from everyone. Where they see that no one pushes the other from his place, and therefore it is very calm for them to be a child in such a family.